Compulsive whatever...

Today, over a long time, its really spring-like weather. That, if nothing else should make me happy. No.
Tell me, Void, how on earth should I ever get over it?? Over the fact that She is still in the picture. Not in Our picture, but still in our world, because she is working with him. And nowadays quite often, as I found out. I believe that there is nothing happening behind my back anymore. BUT I dont want to give her any change what so ever to do anything. I want her totally out of our life. But that is impossible at the moment, because I cant say that hey, leave your job. And the same thing to my husband. Its hard to find a job anyways even for a person who speaks the language. So I dont think He would find any other job. But I hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate that they work together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I even see or hear her name first reaction is that I feel paralyzed, then I feel sick in my stomach and then I just want to kick her face in. She ruined 4 months of my life and I can never get them back...Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that He is innocent here, but I can handle Him. But I have no idea what goes on in her head, maybe she is making up some strategy as we speak how to get him back...or whatever...
Sometimes I just feel like Im falling apart. I look in the mirror in the morning and I didnt see the beautiful woman I thought I was. I saw a wreck. A woman who is still not good enough. Not beautiful enough, not thin enough. That starts to sound like some eating disorder. And you know, I constantly want to eat. If I didnt control myself, I would. I would push the frigde into my room and then just shove food into my mouth. I know that its just my brain that tells me to do so. Like I would get some comfort out of it. I know I wont get any of that. Food is not that powerful. If I would do what my brain tells me, I would just end up more miserable than I already am. And more pathetic.
Maybe I should seek professional help...what do you think??

Oh, and I almost forgot. I got a job. Real one. Im now a music teacher in a kindergarten. Hooray for me.

Busy life..

Life is busy at the moment. But that is not exactly the reason I havent written here for a long time. Yes, things have gone way better but there are still battles to fight. Mostly inside myself. Sometimes I feel that theres something so much bigger inside me that I just dont manage to fight. Something that threatens to suffocate me from time to time unless I dont stand up to it. And even so I feel powerless. Though I try to become stronger. I wish there was that kind of magic potion with the label "STRENGHT" on my shelf. I would keep it with me 24/7 just in case.
One day I was thinking (well, dont get me that I normally dont think) and I started wondering wether the people who knew me years ago would even recognize me, I dont even mean the outside, more like from inside. Because I feel that I have changed at lot. And it all hasnt been free-willed. I feel that I have become someone I dont want to be. I dont feel this towards all of me, but just some sides that I have discovered, and what now bother me.
I was talking with Him the other day about changing. And I said that you cant blame it all on the crappy childhood. Everybody has had bad things in their previous life, but you cant put all the blame of your present actions on those bad experiences and bad influences. I know that people CAN change. I have done it myself in my recent years. I understand that you cant maybe change the basics of your character, but you can surely do some modifying. So theres really no need to come and tell me that: Hey, thats just how I am, I cant change my self. Because I know that this is all bunch of BS and people just say it because they are too lazy to figure themselves out and work on getting better.

And here are 2 poems that I really like, NOT my own, I must say. I wish I could write like this...

ja ma ei lahku kuni seda palud
on võlutud mu jaoks see tühi rand
teeb ikka imelikult palju valu
kõik mida ükskord oled armastand

puud laotusesse tõusevad kui oiged
kus pilveõite lõppematu ränd
teeb ikka imelikult palju haiget
kõik mida on su hingus puudutand

kõik mida puudutanud on su hingus
on saanud mulle pühitsetud maaks
su igatsusi minu sisse imbus
ja ma ei lahku isegi kui saaks

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Ma ootasin sind sellel külmal päeval.
Ma tean, et sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea:
ma ootasin sind. Sellel külmal päeval.
Ei, vabandama tõesti sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljspool meid endid
ma teadsin, sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid.

(Doris Kareva)