I honestly don't know.
I don't know what to make of myself and things around me.
I don't know what I am doing here. I don't know what am I supposed to be doing.
Dear Void, have you ever caught yourself doing things that you actually don't want to be doing, things that make you hurt inside, but you still do them to...sort of keep up appearances?
Last months I have sensed my life starting to slip away from what I always wanted it to be. And I don't know how to fix it. Even now writing about it makes me choke a little, to have a catch in my throat.
I feel powerless. I feel that things around me are spiralling out of control and there's nothing I can do to stop.
Have you ever found that the person who you have relied on for so long and who's supposed to be your strong shoulder, all of a sudden start working against you? Making me feel misunderstood and not accepted, thought of being deceptive....
And why, my Dear Void, do I ALWAYS want to fix things?? I always want to at least try to make things better...and not just for me, for everybody involved..
Maybe this time, for the sake of my own sanity, I should just let things unfold...
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Fight Song
Dear Void, I heard a song today over a very long time. It was my fight song, the song that got me through so many things, tough times, when I first came to London and left all my life behind.
I heard this song and it really resonated within me, moved me, gave me comfort. I think it's time to bring my fight song out again because I feel the need for courage and comfort, something to get me through the tough times and I can already see some stormy weather ahead.
Do you remember, my Dear Void, when I was pondering here over one particular figure of speech - it's better to be alone than lonely. Now I have learned once again the true meaning of this. Technically I am not alone but inside I feel more lonely than ever. Imagine the scene of a dinner where most of the conversation dies down after talking about "how was your work today" and afterwards the other half dives into his phone and pretends to watch news on tv as well as on his phone.
Imagine the scene when you feel you need to walk on eggshells and keep things to yourself out of the fear of being shouted at completely out of the blue, because of smallest of things that shouldn't really matter or be a big deal to get upset over.
I have been feeling strange recently, unsettled and uneasy. And yesterday I was finally able to put my finger on it. I'm hungry. Not physically, but my heart and soul is hungry, absolutely famished and starving. I have been worried so much about the exterior and what goes on outside that I have completely neglected what goes on under the surface, in my heart and in my soul.
I have to take better care of myself. Take care of my heart because I only have one. I have to "feed" myself, believe in myself, raise myself up and say to myself that God willing, I will be strong again. I will be bulletproof, titanium.
I heard this song and it really resonated within me, moved me, gave me comfort. I think it's time to bring my fight song out again because I feel the need for courage and comfort, something to get me through the tough times and I can already see some stormy weather ahead.
Do you remember, my Dear Void, when I was pondering here over one particular figure of speech - it's better to be alone than lonely. Now I have learned once again the true meaning of this. Technically I am not alone but inside I feel more lonely than ever. Imagine the scene of a dinner where most of the conversation dies down after talking about "how was your work today" and afterwards the other half dives into his phone and pretends to watch news on tv as well as on his phone.
Imagine the scene when you feel you need to walk on eggshells and keep things to yourself out of the fear of being shouted at completely out of the blue, because of smallest of things that shouldn't really matter or be a big deal to get upset over.
I have been feeling strange recently, unsettled and uneasy. And yesterday I was finally able to put my finger on it. I'm hungry. Not physically, but my heart and soul is hungry, absolutely famished and starving. I have been worried so much about the exterior and what goes on outside that I have completely neglected what goes on under the surface, in my heart and in my soul.
I have to take better care of myself. Take care of my heart because I only have one. I have to "feed" myself, believe in myself, raise myself up and say to myself that God willing, I will be strong again. I will be bulletproof, titanium.
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