Going back to my childhood...

Dear Void, something happened to me. Something that hasnt happened for years. I saw something in my dreams and I woke up crying. Even now when I think about it, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
I saw my children and my colleagues that I left behind. I saw that I was back there, just for a visit though, and they all were so happy to see me. I miss them alot. I love them alot. And I do think about them a lot, especially when the new kindergarten-year is starting.
I woke up, it was before 6 am and I opened my computer and wrote one of my colleagues and kids an email. That made me feel little better, little lighter in my heart, but that doesnt really stop the tears.
And you know, when you were a kid and you had night-terrors, you could be sure of your mom coming your bedside and cuddling you and stroking your hair til you fell back to sleep. But now, its just me. Nobody else here.

My first!

Just a quick word before I go to bed.
Remember, my Dear Void, I told you about one site I joined for mail exchange with other people. And today is the day I got my first postcard via postcrossing. I am so excited! Its really nice card of one painting and it came to me from Moscow, Russia. Im falling more and more in love with snail-mail. Imagine me doing a happy-dance over here!

But now Im off to bed. Sweet dreams!

Who knew...aka I blame the beets!

My Dear Void, who knew that sleeping too much can make me feel so groggy. I think I must have slept almost 10 hours. Obviously too much. I remember waking up around 5am because it was too quiet (!) outside. Really unusual for my neighborhood especially after Saturday night partying (which I didnt hear either). I laid there, pondering, weather to get up or continue sleeping and I decided to roll over and catch some zzz which came with some interesting dreams about travelling and trains.

But now as I think about it, the reason why I feel the seismic activity in my stomach could be something I ate. I blame the beets. I bought some boiled beetroot from one eastern european shop the other day and when I tasted them, they were drunken of vinegar. I thought that they were just boiled beets (like my mother used to do at home) and if you dont know, simply boiled beets have this nice sweet taste to them. Maybe Im trying too hard, but I try to find or recreate the tastes of home, something I know. Because I do get homesick every now and then. Even though I know that moving here was the best option I had. Well, Dear Void, I dont want to get all sad here today, so no more talking of homesickness or my mother and her home-cooking.

I better go and get rid of the yucky beets and boil some normal ones.

Ghost from the past..

Yes, the ghost I willingly invited in, despite my conscious telling me not to but this time my curiousity won the battle. It might seem like nothing but it made me feel so strange inside, choked me for a moment and left me somehow empty and aching.

I came across photos of someone who is now with someone who used to be dear to me not so long ago. The mere sight of them together, it hurt me to my core. I know what you think Dear Void, you think its plain old jealousy. But thats when you are wrong. Im not jealous of him being happy with someone new. What is it, that makes me feel such a failure when I see someone, who used to be part of me, moving on with their lives and being happy. Is it this green monster of envy that lives in all of us and the moment you lose your grip on it, it raises its ugly head? I dont want to be with him because frankly, we didnt have much to talk about and when we broke up, the things I missed were mostly the physical attributes of him (nothing sexual) and the way he conducted himself. The way he made me feel safe and appreciated. I guess thats what I miss.
We all want to find someone who fills our hearts with joy and as much as I would want to deny it, it hurts me that he has found it before me.

And one thing more, my Dear Void, do you think Im the only one who does this. That you see a hurtful photo and you keep looking at the others aswell, instead of just closing the page, putting the photo away and leaving?

5th season has arrived...

My Dear Void. Do you know what season it is here? No? Let me tell you. Its bee-season. Every day for the past week, Im dealing with bees and wasps who come to my room, uninvited, though the window and refuse to leave. Like some people who invite themselves over, stay for far too long and give exeptionally bad excuses not to leave.

Something happened to me today, something that hasnt happened over 10 years, if I may say so. Believe it or not, my Dear Void, I was stung by a bee. Yes. A real bee, one of those chubby bumblebees. And all I can think about is that I hope it didnt die because of it. 

And it happened when I was at home, getting my things together to go out to run some errands. I grabbed my fan from the windowsill and felt the sharp prick on my finger. At first I thought it was a splinter (since the core of the fan is made of wood) but then I turned the fan over and there it was, bumblebee who had somehow got stuck to my fan. My finger was pulsating in pain while I carefully tapped the fan against the windowframe for the bee to get free. 

I still went out, because I had to get few things from the centre. Through all this time, I felt my finger swell and my fingertip to go rock-hard and completely numb. I was afraid to look at it, because it felt twice the size of other fingers (and I believe it was). It reminded me of the time when I was around 4-5 years old and I was running barefeet among blooming clovers and accidentally stepped on a bee. The whole sole of my small foot swell up so much and turned rock hard, just like my fingertip.

Thankfully Im not one of those people who will have an anaphylactic shock when they get stung by bees. 

By the time I got home, my finger felt better, though its still visually bigger than the others and still painful. 

Its late afternoon here and Im enjoying the rest of my Sunday, tomorrow will be a busy day for me but for now I will commit myself completely to laying in bed and watching the clouds float by.