Operation Motivation

 My Dear Void, 

I am struggling these days to find motivation to do anything. And I mean anything. Even the little things need such a push, to get myself up and going. Someone is holding down the brake inside my head. Not me.

I have thought about one rule I definitely can implement. IF it takes less than 5 minutes to do, get up and do it now.

I have been reading poetry. I have 3 poetry books called something like poetry of underground. These are very sad poems. I read and I cry. I feel these feelings resonating inside and strangely, I feel more alive.

Reading poetry reminded me of one class I had in university. It had nothing to do with poetry itself but it was a class of pedagogical communication. We all took turns to read one poem to find ways to give it more meaning. I would like to write it here. Its a poem written by Estonian poet Doris Kareva and its called Lõpp (the end)

Doris Kareva - Lõpp

Ma ootasin sind sellel külmal päeval. Ma tean, et sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: ma ootasin sind. Sellel külmal päeval. Ei, vabandama tõesti sa ei pea. Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid. Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii. Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid ma teadsin, sa ei tule nagunii. Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud, kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid. Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud. Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid.

I want to feel the spring.

 Good afternoon my Dear Void.

I don't really know where to start. I haven't been here for such a long time and I feel like the whole world has passed since I made my last visit. It feels more than those 2 years, lifetime.

In a nutshell, what has happened...

After leaving my year 4 Jays, I changed my workplace to a lovely school.

I was a teacher for a whole year for year 1 students. It was a lovely time, when I look back. Its strange how people tend to forget the bad situations and the negative thoughts somehow fade away. My practical work was amazing, I learned so much and I gave so much. The love I gave to those children and the adoration and joy I got back make my eyes well up with tears. I miss it. I even see children in my dreams, children that I don't know, dreams of teaching again. I can't foresee the future to see if I would ever be doing it again.

During this year of teaching my lovelies, world-wide pandemic hit. Corona virus put us all in lock-down. We stayed in our homes and only dreamed of outside. I carried on working throughout the times, also working from home and teaching children from my sofa. We made it through the year. The paperwork almost killed me, indirectly it did. In 2021 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I also got the virus - twice - luckily it was mild and I recovered, once at home and once in Poland, in a nursing home.

Then my epilepsy dragged me down and made me unable to work and live my normal life. Don't really want to dwell on it for the sake of my poor mental health. It made me stay home, not being able to do anything that I love. I struggle every day. Luckily my diabetes is well-behaved and I have managed to lose weight and get it into remission with the help of one great support program.

Completely different jump here, unbelievably there is war in Europe. Russia has invaded Ukraine. Don't really want to talk about that either. Makes me anxious, so very anxious.

Now about today.

The springtime is here. Truly here. The trees are covered in these delicate and fluffy blossoms. I just want to dive in, marvel the beauty of nature.

I used to feel. 

Feel so much, the beauty of the creation. 

I somehow feel less. As if there is a wall in front of me that I cannot see. 

I feel the whole world is muted.

I'm dying to feel again!

How can I get this invisible blanket off that covers me from head to toe?

One of my dear friends said that he would like to go back in time, have the times where life seemed simpler. World was smaller, but it didn't bother me. I was content with how things were.

Times where we had time to talk about the world and what we think. Just sit in candle light, with a cup of tea and roll out our own philosophy. Who can forget the fish finger sandwiches.

I miss having conversations where no one gets angry and defensive. With someone who can put themselves into different positions and see the world and situations from another angle. Just discuss, discuss anything. 

Without prejudice, without aggression, without upset.

I sit here watching the golden afternoon sun stream through the blinds. Hot herbal tea steaming in my cup. Herbs from Estonia, foraged by my mum. This feels like a link to my home. More and more is Estonia becoming my home again in my head. 

I want to be like my mum.

Tingling toes.

I came here today and to my surprise I discovered a draft that I wrote more than 2 years ago. I'm literally speechless. Where have all those years gone?

But to be fair, I will publish it now.

It was written on 15th December 2019. 

Good evening my Dearest Void,

It feels like coming back to an old and dear friend, sitting down, looking into their eyes, smiling and knowing deep inside me that nothing between the two of us has changed. Its the feeling of being assured of existence, that if everything in this world all of a sudden descend into an utter chaos, this will be one constant thing that would remain the same. It feel good, so damn good.

I have the toe-tingles. And I will tell you why. Its the feeling of excitement. I'm travelling in couple of days to see my family and my loved ones for Christmas in Estonia and I literally cant wait!!

So much has happened since I wrote. I know, I know, I say it every single time because its true. I cant pin point a reason why I don't come and write more often but when I do I have so much on my mind that my fingers cannot move fast enough. My mind speeds ahead and my fingers try so hard to catch up....

The past year I have been working as a teacher in one school. And the last 4 months I have been with one class. My Jays. We have had really fun times, we have had tough times. There are times (yes, Void, more than one) that I have cried. Not just few tears rolling over the cheeks but true sobbing. At work. Because of work. It has been a roller coaster, an adventure, not knowing where we started and where is the destination but now...

Tuesday, day after tomorrow, is my last day with them. It makes me sad. I stood in front of the class on Thursday and I told them and I felt all these emotions welling up inside of me that the other teacher had to take over for a little bit. It will be heartbreaking to go but that's life. In January, I will begin a new journey in a new school.

I don't want to think about it now, its a feeling as if I was leaving part of my little family behind. Those kids drive me absolutely nuts but they bring such smiles to my face as well. Love them.
I hope these days will be busy.