Reality hits hard

 It crushes, my Dear Void, it really does.

Yesterday I got the results back from my blood test and its not good news. I have to go back to taking medication for my diabetes because my body cannot cope on its own. When I got the news, I completely broke down. My hopes were so high so I my fall was long and painful.

I somehow knew it before I received the call. My daily glucose reading have been slowly creeping up, but I didn't give up the hope. I thought that maybe I can blame the rise on stress, bad sleep or god knows what. But no. It's because my body needs help. It has really nothing to do with me eating properly and sticking to the program or my strong willpower. My body, my pancreas is just tired and can't do it without help.

I'm feeling little better about it today. Still disappointed, obviously, but the will to carry on making healthy choices and sticking to the plan is stronger than ever.

It's coursing through my veins.

 Blood, yes sweet blood is coursing through my veins Dear Void.

Quite morbid-sounding start to this post, I have to admit. I'm struggling again with the blood sugar. I have followed my program for exactly 6 months and a day now and next week is my big blood test appointment. I am terrified. I was taken off the medication because the levels were good. BUT that was with the help of the medication. I haven't had any in my system for 3 months now and I don't know what the results may be now. I would be absolutely devastated if I had to go back to taking pills every time I ate. I know, I know Void, that there are no guarantees and I knew it when I started that there is a chance to get off the medication but I so much want it to be true for me for a long term. Diabetes is with me for life, like an invisible backpack I carry on my shoulders. A silent killer (if to be extra dramatic and even more morbid).

The way I manage my eating and all seems somehow be more of a problem for everybody else but myself. Strange isn't it? The way I eat now and what I eat is a habit for me now, thus it's easy. It takes some thinking ahead sometimes but its alright. I'm not losing my sleep over things I can not eat anymore. My family finds it a bit hard to fathom. Not even the family here, but back home. They feel somehow that I have to sacrifice the tasting-pleasures of all kinds of sweet delicacies. I have never once told them that I miss anything yet they feel that I somehow harbour some deep yearnings. It is actually quite humorous at times.

I go to my bedroom and stand in front of the mirror and I look at myself. With true honesty, I can tell you dear Void, I like what I see. I have worked so hard. It has not been smooth sailing all the time. Being able to work on myself and delve into myself and seeing results is worth million more than a piece of cake (even the words most delicious one).

Stuck.

 Dear Void, I'm stuck. Stuck in my mind, stuck in my body.

I feel like an old person who's body is giving up on them. My knees hurt and my back aches when I wake up. My other health issues are giving me nothing but grief.

This morning I woke up with a raging migraine. Finding out that laying down in bed only intensifies my pain, I decided to quietly get up, gather my things and leave him sleeping. I made my way into living room, seeing all kinds of haze in my eyes. Feeling dizzy and reeling from the pain I stretched myself and did some calming pilates exercises. That made me feel little bit human again.

Nowadays I try not to overthink. Which is really difficult for me, being chronic over-thinker. I remember reading someplace that most of our health problems stem from our mind, from the negative thinking. I guess that may be right, at least in my case. Where did my migraine come from? Definitely last evenings events contributed a lot.

It's never good idea to have an argument before sleep. My brain takes it all in like a sponge and starts to process it during my sleep and thus gives me less than a little sleep. I may appear sleeping but my brain gives me no relief. I wake up tired as ever.

It hurts me hearing that I'm not able to give someone what they want and need. It frustrates me the same time. It's the time where I need to weigh out what I need (not really what I want, but need - both mind and body) against what others want and need. I don't know if I can go against myself this time. I feel that I have been doing it for so long time that it has become second nature. My body and my mind are screaming at me to start thinking about myself and truly delve into what is it that I need. It is devastating seeing people that I love telling me that I'm not giving them what they need, seeing this anger and frustration in their eyes and hear it in their voices. The blame game, finger pointing, unnecessary insults.

I wish the life could be easier. Life as it was long time ago. When there was no worries, no existential crisis moments. Of course there were worries, for a person I was back then, but looking back now, they were nothing. Worries back then were not even slightly similar or serious of the worries I have now. I wish I could look back and tell the person I was back then to relax and just be herself, to brace myself for whats yet to come. No, actually I wouldn't say that. I would want her to know that there is nothing bad happening to her, to enjoy the life she has now, to let her know the smaller world worries could easily be overcome. To hug her and say that she is enough.

Right now I don't feel that I am.

I feel gas-lighted. Under appreciated.

The other day, birds were singing outside in the blossom tree. I closed my eyes and it took me back to quiet streets in Karlova. Lilac trees were spreading their sweet scent. I was walking, tall grass brushed against my ankles, balmy wind touched my cheeks and sun rays broke through the canopy of old trees. I was happy. Hakuna Matata.

Be still my mind

 Good morning my Dear Void.

Last time I posted, I actually posted from my phone instead of typing here. I used the microphone function and then later manually spell checked. It was easier than I thought. It felt weird to talk out loud though. I even started to over think and my talking went all clunky. I prefer typing here. My fingers are nimble and fast. I guess talking my thoughts out loud is not the greatest option for me. I remember someone saying along the lines of when you put your thoughts and feelings into words and say it out loud, they become more real. The quote was longer than that but that part, it really made me think. I agree. I have some heavy thoughts sometimes, some life changing thoughts sometimes, that I am afraid to say out loud. Hearing them back from myself seems frightening somehow.

Today among all the spring-time, my mind travelled back a year. Thinking what I was dealing with one year ago. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Just like Charles Dickens started his "Tale of two cities". It truly was for me. Dealing with all what I had to brought me to the brink of collapse. I didn't collapse though. I couldn't. I honestly do not know what held me up and together because I sank into darkness, even thinking about it now makes me all choked up inside and I feel the stress welling up like a gargantuan wave. 

Looking back I do not know how I managed to finish that year in school. How I managed to finish on high. After all my burning out and diabetes surprise in June. Person closest to me telling just to be like other people and do my thing - if others can do it, so can I. (To be fair, he didn't know any better and is not most eloquent on mental health front. Forgiven.) 

I feel that I have gained back some of what I lost. Somehow feeling more fragile than before. Feeling that I'm holding it together but knowing that one big blow will send me crumbling.

I have a huge vase of tulips and daffodils next to my computer and I lean over to bury my nose among the petals as I type. The promise of spring and promise of tranquillity is just what I need. Is this what they meant by: stop and smell the flowers? Anyway, here is some for you as well.

Strict weekend

 My dear Void,

This weekend I have completely grabbed the bull by the horns. What exactly do I mean by that? Well, let me tell you.

Amongst of all the good things that have happened to me because of the diabetes program, I have come across a big struggle.

Something happened that I simply couldn't  explain - my daily blood sugar readings started to creep up again and considerably over the safe limit. I can't express how shocked I was because I have been doing everything, absolutely everything by the book. I racked my brains thinking where did I go wrong. I still don't know.

So my only and best strategy was to strip everything down and be completely strict with myself. I started marking everything down when and what I ate. I stopped snacking in between the meals. One of the most important thing, considering eating, is to let myself feel the hunger - not eating until I actually feel that my stomach is empty and I need food.(I read a really good article about modern day lifestyle and how it is affecting our eating).

I feel that I have been successful the past 2 days. These heightened readings really shocked me to my core, I don't want to go back to taking medication. I want to fully be able to control my condition with my lifestyle and eating behaviour.

And to be honest my dear Void, it's easy to stop eating if you know that you might hurt yourself, hurt your health if you continue. 

I feel myself moving further and further away from comfort eating and closer to conscious eating. And as usual I've had to learn the hard way.

Operation Motivation

 My Dear Void, 

I am struggling these days to find motivation to do anything. And I mean anything. Even the little things need such a push, to get myself up and going. Someone is holding down the brake inside my head. Not me.

I have thought about one rule I definitely can implement. IF it takes less than 5 minutes to do, get up and do it now.

I have been reading poetry. I have 3 poetry books called something like poetry of underground. These are very sad poems. I read and I cry. I feel these feelings resonating inside and strangely, I feel more alive.

Reading poetry reminded me of one class I had in university. It had nothing to do with poetry itself but it was a class of pedagogical communication. We all took turns to read one poem to find ways to give it more meaning. I would like to write it here. Its a poem written by Estonian poet Doris Kareva and its called Lõpp (the end)

Doris Kareva - Lõpp

Ma ootasin sind sellel külmal päeval. Ma tean, et sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: ma ootasin sind. Sellel külmal päeval. Ei, vabandama tõesti sa ei pea. Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid. Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii. Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid ma teadsin, sa ei tule nagunii. Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud, kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid. Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud. Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid.

I want to feel the spring.

 Good afternoon my Dear Void.

I don't really know where to start. I haven't been here for such a long time and I feel like the whole world has passed since I made my last visit. It feels more than those 2 years, lifetime.

In a nutshell, what has happened...

After leaving my year 4 Jays, I changed my workplace to a lovely school.

I was a teacher for a whole year for year 1 students. It was a lovely time, when I look back. Its strange how people tend to forget the bad situations and the negative thoughts somehow fade away. My practical work was amazing, I learned so much and I gave so much. The love I gave to those children and the adoration and joy I got back make my eyes well up with tears. I miss it. I even see children in my dreams, children that I don't know, dreams of teaching again. I can't foresee the future to see if I would ever be doing it again.

During this year of teaching my lovelies, world-wide pandemic hit. Corona virus put us all in lock-down. We stayed in our homes and only dreamed of outside. I carried on working throughout the times, also working from home and teaching children from my sofa. We made it through the year. The paperwork almost killed me, indirectly it did. In 2021 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I also got the virus - twice - luckily it was mild and I recovered, once at home and once in Poland, in a nursing home.

Then my epilepsy dragged me down and made me unable to work and live my normal life. Don't really want to dwell on it for the sake of my poor mental health. It made me stay home, not being able to do anything that I love. I struggle every day. Luckily my diabetes is well-behaved and I have managed to lose weight and get it into remission with the help of one great support program.

Completely different jump here, unbelievably there is war in Europe. Russia has invaded Ukraine. Don't really want to talk about that either. Makes me anxious, so very anxious.

Now about today.

The springtime is here. Truly here. The trees are covered in these delicate and fluffy blossoms. I just want to dive in, marvel the beauty of nature.

I used to feel. 

Feel so much, the beauty of the creation. 

I somehow feel less. As if there is a wall in front of me that I cannot see. 

I feel the whole world is muted.

I'm dying to feel again!

How can I get this invisible blanket off that covers me from head to toe?

One of my dear friends said that he would like to go back in time, have the times where life seemed simpler. World was smaller, but it didn't bother me. I was content with how things were.

Times where we had time to talk about the world and what we think. Just sit in candle light, with a cup of tea and roll out our own philosophy. Who can forget the fish finger sandwiches.

I miss having conversations where no one gets angry and defensive. With someone who can put themselves into different positions and see the world and situations from another angle. Just discuss, discuss anything. 

Without prejudice, without aggression, without upset.

I sit here watching the golden afternoon sun stream through the blinds. Hot herbal tea steaming in my cup. Herbs from Estonia, foraged by my mum. This feels like a link to my home. More and more is Estonia becoming my home again in my head. 

I want to be like my mum.

Tingling toes.

I came here today and to my surprise I discovered a draft that I wrote more than 2 years ago. I'm literally speechless. Where have all those years gone?

But to be fair, I will publish it now.

It was written on 15th December 2019. 

Good evening my Dearest Void,

It feels like coming back to an old and dear friend, sitting down, looking into their eyes, smiling and knowing deep inside me that nothing between the two of us has changed. Its the feeling of being assured of existence, that if everything in this world all of a sudden descend into an utter chaos, this will be one constant thing that would remain the same. It feel good, so damn good.

I have the toe-tingles. And I will tell you why. Its the feeling of excitement. I'm travelling in couple of days to see my family and my loved ones for Christmas in Estonia and I literally cant wait!!

So much has happened since I wrote. I know, I know, I say it every single time because its true. I cant pin point a reason why I don't come and write more often but when I do I have so much on my mind that my fingers cannot move fast enough. My mind speeds ahead and my fingers try so hard to catch up....

The past year I have been working as a teacher in one school. And the last 4 months I have been with one class. My Jays. We have had really fun times, we have had tough times. There are times (yes, Void, more than one) that I have cried. Not just few tears rolling over the cheeks but true sobbing. At work. Because of work. It has been a roller coaster, an adventure, not knowing where we started and where is the destination but now...

Tuesday, day after tomorrow, is my last day with them. It makes me sad. I stood in front of the class on Thursday and I told them and I felt all these emotions welling up inside of me that the other teacher had to take over for a little bit. It will be heartbreaking to go but that's life. In January, I will begin a new journey in a new school.

I don't want to think about it now, its a feeling as if I was leaving part of my little family behind. Those kids drive me absolutely nuts but they bring such smiles to my face as well. Love them.
I hope these days will be busy.