Brain and heart on the battleground.

Tomorrow is the last day of this year. People consider this to be a time for looking back on the ending year, evaluating yourself, your actions, your successes and your misfortunes.
I dont want to turn this post into a speech of pathos but I have had time for myself on these days off from work to think about myself, to really look in the mirror and not necessarily wishing to change anything, just to think about myself and my life.

I consider myself old enough to know what I want from life, yet I have discovered that my soul yearns for things as it did when I was much younger. Like I have a 20 year old Me living inside my heart, though the brains belong to the 28 year old me. Havent I grown up even a bit?
I dont mind feeling like that, who would actually mind feeling younger than their age, but part of me is scared that this young-at-heart me would make the same mistakes as I did when I was actually younger. Its like a situation when 2 people are sitting in a car, and both want to drive. And when the car is already at full-speed, they fight who gets to hold the wheel, making the car swerve. Pretty dangerous situation, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes its like I observe myself from a far as I see myself acting certain way and theres nothing I can do about it. Im not talking about the professional life here, Im talking about the matters of the heart. Thats when the 20 year old jumps to the drivers seat and floors the gas pedal. And a quiet voice keeps telling me that I should watch what Im doing, to be more cautious. But I keep somehow relapsing into this emotional turmoil, wanting to give my all to a person whos in my heart, knowing at the same time that it may come off as too intense,  too aggressive and maybe even scary and the least I want to do is be intimidating. I just feel there so much love I can give. And I want to give it. Like I have lost the breaks, to keep it nice and slow and steady. Because I dont want to overthink, I know Im prone to do that quite often. Maybe I have been on my own too long to know how to properly function in the start of a relationship.

I feel Im ranting and nobody wants to read that. Dear Void, am I really being too intense? About everything.
And now when I read it from the beginning, you might think that I have some sort of a split-personality going on and I should see a specialist. But its always hard when your brain and heart meet on the battleground.

Racial shitstorm

No. I wont give you any. Im not racist. But many of my fellow countrymen appear to be.

Why Im writing about such matter so early in the morning? Because today I have an early start and I always consume online news with my morning coffee and porridge. And one article got me to write about racism.

There was a news story about an estonian singer who recently got married to an indian man, they even had wedding pictures next to the article. Indian syle wedding with her dressed in a red saree and all the colours and flowers and whole nine yards.
I dont understand why was that article in estonian news website.
Dont get me wrong, its always lovely to read about people who have found love and spiritual connection. But I consider it a really wrong move to put it up there for all the estonians to read because when I clicked on the comment section, there was a real racist shitstorm brewing.

For those who dont know about Estonia and the locals here, our country is a tiny speck on the earth, its really small and there are about 1,2 million of us here. Yes you read right. 1,2 million. And we dont really have much foreigners here so the people here are racially 99% white. And I dont know why its such an issue in recent months when estonian women marry out of their own country or race. Then those women are automatically labelled as not good (I dont want to contaminate my blog with bad words because those people dont really use that term - not good - they use some other words) and traitors of their country (when they happen to move away to live with their other half). I really dont understand that intolerance and hatred.

You dont even know that person, why do you make their private life your business? Live and let live how ever they see fit. Nobody wants to hear your bitterness against...well..anyone.

Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to badmouth estonians, I am one of them. I love my people but sometimes their narrow-mindedness makes me sad. I understand its some sort of a defense reaction towards everything that doesnt look or act like them in order to preserve their kind, their culture and language.
Not all people here are like that. Far from it but you know how the more extreme ones always shine through even though they are a minority.

And this subject is personal for me because I was married to someone out of my own country and race. And my marriage didnt end because of the cultural or traditional differences as people here would like to say. It ended because of different personal reasons. But thats completely another subject.

And to sum it all up, heres a quote from C. Dickens "Christmas Carol", its about Christmas, but I think it nicely illustrates how I feel about this race issue in general.

".. think of people as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys."

Something amazing!

I promise this will be something extraordinary!

Well, maybe for me since I am all over in music myself. But quite accidentally I have found someone awesome in youtube. One group called Pentatonix. They are an a cappella group but their music has all the bells and whistles (not literally). I mean they make it all happen with just using their voice.

And the past days, I have completely voluntarily been saturated in their music, whatever I could find in youtube. Im amazed by their joy and passion they put in their music, I almost wish I could sing like that. So I have this professional envy going on.

Listen, my dear Void, I know you will love it!!
This group goes on their 2nd tour next year, but unfortunately they dont come anywhere near me.

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Its Christmas Eve and so far it has been nothing but pure magic!

Im sitting in my old room at my parents home, peace is flowing over me, my stomach is full and soon I will enjoy my favourite Christmas movie with my parents that I told you about yesterday. Today when I mentioned it, my sister said that its in tv tonight.

I have got my prensents already, I got more than I expected, guess I have been really really good this past year. I truly hope that my loved ones liked my presents to them as much as I loved making them.
And one thing that made my heart sing and made me want to cry was the moment when we all sat in the livingroom, sang christmas carols, my mom playing the piano, dad guitar and sister violin to accompany the singing. That was truly the moment I wish I could carve into my mind to remember forever. Pure bliss and sense of love and togetherness.
And to my parents, grandma, sisters and all my friends near and far...I love you!

P.S my yule-log tasted awesome!! I was little afraid that it was going to be too sweet, but theres definately the bitter-chocolate taste from the dark cocoa.

A night before Christmas...

Its not really night before Christmas, its one day before Christmas Eve.
You know,  people claim Christmas to be just a holiday of immense consuming. Buying things that they dont really need, giving gifts for the sake of it, not really thinking about the whole meaning of Christmas. I dont want to steer it into a religious talk, because I dont view Christmas as religious holiday. For me, Christmas is a time for family to come together. That gives me the feeling of togetherness and love. Thats Christmas for me.
And one of my favourite Christmas movies is Christmas Carol, based on Charles Dickens. One reason I love this movie in addition to the great storyline and amazing voices is the music. Already the opening piece makes me feel like Christmas no matter the time of the year. Hope you like the music and the movie, its really worth watching.

But the other reason for writing this in the middle of the busy day is that I finished my Yule-log!! Yay!

It gave me some hard time because I had never made sponge before. But it worked out just fine. I got the idea and the recipe from sortedfood.com. Go and check their page out, those guys have tons of other awesome recipes and tutorial videos. Their yule-log had Baileys Irish Cream in it, but since I wanted to make non-alcoholic one I made a substitution. I used strawberry curd-cream and whipped cream in 50:50 ratio. So its made of chocolate sponge, strawberry curd-whipped cream filling and chocolate buttercream covering it all. I'll see how it tastes tomorrow. 

I know my Yule-log doesnt look like it came out of a bakery, but it looks great for the first time. I put couple of pictures here, first is my sponge all rolled up and cooling and the second one is the final product. I hope it makes your mouth water, dear Void!

That sucks!

What sucks? Let me tell you dear Void.

My Christmas rush at work is over. I had my first day when I could relax already yesterday. BUT you know what happens to you body when the stressful time ends?  It gives in and gets ill. And that really sucks!

I was all ok during this hell I went through, not even a slight cold. Sure, my head was hurting occasionally, but that is besides the point. I was completely fine. And now when I could be happily setting off for lovely Christmas, I get ill. Yesterday already my throat started "itching" and in the evening it was hurting so it was really painful to swallow and this morning my nose is runny and I have a tiny ulcer on my lip, inside. My body, my closest allie is turning against me. Not really, but I dont understand how it can push through so much and then give up.

I will spend my Christmas with my parents. I was discussing things with my mother and we decided that I will bring the cake and I will be making a Yule-log, first time in my life. I will let you know how it turned out.

Here we celebrate on Christmas eve, we have nice lunch or dinner and in the evening we open the presents. We dont just open them, one of us is in the role of Santa who takes the gifts out of the bag and whos name is called has to redeem it by doing something, either sing, recite christmas poems or something of the sort. And its really lovely when we sing together, all of us, my parents, sisters and grandmother. THAT is the feeling of Christmas that I will alway cherish.

End of the world is drawing near...

or not.

I tend to decline towards the NOT. Its already 4.30pm and no Nibiru in sight.

I had a hectic day at work starting right after I walked in the door. I managed to settle all that was needed and did my 3 lessons and hit the road, not home, but shopping centre where I spent a whopping lot of money on Christmas things and for other things, mostly deepfrozen things for the coming weeks.

Here I am, feeling full of potatos and cranberry chicken and lime-mango cake. Today is also the day when my tiny winter-holiday starts so I felt like celebrating a little.
Now Im laying here, listening to lovely Christmas music on piano and feeling content. Its truly great feeling to be satisfied with my work during the past week, though I dont think I ever want to go through the hell-house again. And something inside me tells me that I probably wont.
Other frontiers are calling!!

But for now, dear Void, let me get saturated in the music and Christmas warm fuzziness.

Winter is here!!

I just checked the weather and my mouth literally dropped open. Its 19 below zero but it feels like 27 below zero. It hasnt been that cold this winter yet. Yesterday, in the evening when I walked home from work it was clear and moon was shining. Whenever its clear, its cold. It wasnt so bad to walk but when the windgusts came then it felt like it was stabbing me in the face. Really bitter and strong. They say that theres no such thing as bad weather, theres just wrong clothes, but I cannot dress my face. The rest of my body is fine, just the face will be all red from the cold pinching my cheeks and nose. And god forbid when your eyes should water, if you know what I mean, with such cold.
Maybe I should get myself a ski-mask or something?

6 done, 4 more to go.

Dear Void,
I wanted to write something here yesterday but I was really exhausted. Yesterdays party was ok, I got a lovely gift, box of Guyliani chocolates. And I saw that the parents had really given it a thought because it wasnt just a first chocolates they found. Its name was Opus. And the chocolates inside were named after famous composers and also designed to look like their famous masterpieces. I loved it! And the though behind it!
You may want to know how can you make a chocolate look like a classical music masterpiece. Well, let me tell you. One of them was Puccinis Madame Butterfly, beautiful butterfly shaped one, Beethovens Moonlight Sonata round shaped, half of it was white chocolate moon and the brown part was starry sky, Verdis Aida, triangle shaped like the Pyramids with the sphinx infront. I was simply just wow.

My day at work yesterday was quiet, apart from the rehearsals in the morning that went quit awry and when I knocked my teacup over, all over my desk and keyboard. It was a full cup. Other than that, it was fine.

Today I have 2 parties. I hope I survive.

I only have to hold on til the end of Friday. After that I have 11 days off. Can you believe it, dear Void? I still cant grasp it completely! Then the next day I will be going to work is 2nd of January.

Of course when the End of the World doesnt get me first.

5 done, 5 more to go..

Im talking about my work. Thats all I live and breathe nowadays. Im a music teacher in kindergartens and during this festive season, we (me and the other teachers) we have put together something for parents that we show them as a Christmas party. So kids along with the teachers and me, we put together a little show for parents and then Santa comes to give presents. And since I have 10 classes of kids, I also have 10 Christmas parties. And I have been practicing for those parties for a month ( at least).

You may think, dear Void, that I can just take same songs and dances to all those classes. I wish it was that easy. Kids are different in age and they all have different themes for their parties. So there are only couple of things I can use in more than one party.

I wanted to write here yesterday already, but I was too dead for that after I came back from work after 7pm.  I had 2 parties yesterday and I feel that it was little too much for me. Dont get me wrong, they turned out well and I was really proud of kids for pulling it off (and not forgetting all their lyrics and dance steps). And I even got to talk to Santa because there was a present for me too. I told him a little childrens rhyme about reindeer and just normal deer who get a kiss from their mother for Christmas. And then the Santa asked if he could get that kind of a kiss (infront of all the parents). I pretended to be shy and said: "But Santa, I am not a deer-mommy". And everybody laughed, including me. It was really nice party.

Today theres no party with kids but one with my colleagues from one workplace. We learn to make sushi. But before I get to enjoy party, I have a dentist appointment.

P.S. I wish I could use emoticons here because they liven up things that you want to emphasize. Especially the kissy part and the dentist part in this story...

Are you serious?

Yes, my dear Void. Are you?

Im sitting here with my morning coffee. Didnt sleep so well last night, I remember seeing lots of people, choirsingers, on a hillside singing our national anthem. They were all wearing some sort of uniforms, all but me, and my dad was conducting the ochestra in the front.
Anyways, lets get crackin`!

I dont mean mood-wise serious. I mean really meaning what you say to other people. Especially on those subjects that are serious (Have you noticed, I have used that word a lot recently, at least I have thought about that word alot). When people tell you something, I expect them to actually mean it. Im not saying about the silly little things, I mean the things of bigger importance, like feelings.
Am I making sense or not? Maybe its just too early in the morning. Or maybe Im just being too harsh. Or I expect too much of people, thats possible too.

I know that people can change their minds but when that change happens too quickly, that just leaves you wondering wether those big words they told you before were even true. Maybe they just said those to emphasize something or I dont know. And then they wonder why I dont believe what they say when they claim to be serious. But its really hard to take someones big words seriously when you have seen them change so quickly.

And I have to quote my grandma here who always used to say one thing when I was still a little girl, especially when I was a angry and was saying mean things to my brother: word is like a bird that flies out of your mouth and you cannot get it back in. I used to hate it when she said it because I knew deep down that its true.
And maybe thats one of the reasons I dont really say really big things without being absolutely sure that I mean them. Beacause I dont want to be the one who changes her mind, looking like a douchebag.

Because Im not.

Fire in my bathtub

Yes, my dear Void, you heard it right. There was a fire in my bathtub. I set that fire but let me explaine before the panic sets in.

No, I am not a pyromaniac, I was in the middle of my DIY project of cutting glass.
Since Im always short on vases, I decided to take on the home glasscutting and cut some old empty winebottles into vases. Just taking the top off and tadaa!!! There you go, metamorphosis! A vase!

Really all you need is a woollen yarn, nailpolish remover (I think anything with acetone would do), a glass bottle, matches and a bucket of cold water. You soak the yarn in the nailpolish remover, wrap it around the place on the bottle where you want it to break and set the yarn on fire. Then you wait until the flame dies and quickly dunk the bottle in the cold water. You should hear a loud cracking of the glass and there you go. Just be careful not to cut your hands with the shards that may have broken off.

But my larger fire (not just the soaked yarn) happened because I had accidentally spilled the nailpolish remover on the bottom of the tub. And when I lighted the match, it was boom! Bigger fire than I expected, but Im all safe and sound.

Now all I need is some sandpaper to smooth the edges of the new vases I made. Dont you just love DIY projects dear Void?

Forever alone?

I dont really have a clear plan on what to write here today. I just feel inside that I should, that I need to get some things out of my system.

I was listening some music just little while ago (I dont know why I sense myself and my life through music all the time) and I remembered a conversation I had last evening with one of my dear friends. We started talking about time and it came out that we have known eachother for almost 10 years. And we also talked about change, how much we have changed over the time and I said that I cant really say specificly about myself because I cant be objective in this, observing myself from afar. And he said that he likes me more now than he did 10 years ago. I guess that was a big compliment. Thank you.

And this morning, listening those songs, really silly romantic songs, I started to think that I think I have changed over the years but deep down inside, in my heart, Im still a hopeless romantic. Which is really out of place in nowadays world. Its like being endangered species. That somehow makes me feel that Im destined to eventually end up alone only because the norms I apply to myself dont apply to other people. For example, if Im being honest with people, completely out in the open, how can I ever be sure that they are doing the same? I actually have no idea why more and more people decide to go down the road of deceit instead of just being honest with the others.Who would actually benefit from deceit? Nobody. And no true relationship can start with a lie. I dont understand why people prefer to make themselves "better" with concealing the truth and hiding or just by telling plain bs. Because its not really better. And if you plan to stay in someones life, dont you think that your web of lies will come out one day? But then its the other case, then it just hurts like hell and creates a real snowball effect. The other person who got hurt will find it much harder to trust again without having the need to look over his shoulder all the time.

And as much as I tell people that I want them to be honest no matter what, they still somehow think that its ok to conceal and lie.Whats wrong with people? Just get over yourselves and be real. I would anytime have someone not like me because of who I am than love me for someone Im not.

Birthday!!

My dear Void.

Today is my birthday. And today is also a day with no internet whatsoever. So here I am, typing this all as a normal text file so I can copy-paste it when I get my precious internet back (stress on the word „precious“. Those who havent watched LOTR, then just nevermind). And hopefully that happens tomorrow. Atleast tomorrow someone from the internet company should come and fix my calamity here.

Enough about internet. Today is my birthday. Today is soon over too, little over 3 hours is left of it. Im officially..I dont know if I should even say how old I am anymore, the numbers are growing so quickly. Fair enough, Im 28 now.

I had a lovely birthday at work, I got a card, kids sang to me, hugged me, wished me happy birthday and they all said how pretty I was. Yay for that! I also had a little sit-together with my colleagues over some lovely salted salmon sandwiches, fruit, oatmeal cookies and coffee, all made by me expect fruit (because I never planted those apples or bananas) and of course coffee.

And after work my family came over for dinner,which they brought with them since they didnt want me to worry about anything. My fridge is almost empty nowadays to prevent me from binge-eating. Though now when I look at the mountain of chocolate boxes on my kitchen table...NO! Just kidding. (I almost wrote just kissing, I wish I had that). I dont really feel so hungry or tempted to stuff my face. I have been working hard on myself. Building the character. Lets see how quickly it falls into pieces when I encounter my next emotional hurdle of my life. Just „kissing“ again.

Theres really no drama in my life. And I love it. People bringing the drama, please, stay away or when coming to see me, just leave your drama behind the door where you can grab it when you leave.

I got gifts. But as I get older, those gifts dont really matter as much as they used to. I just enjoy being around people who love me. Not just love me but love me no matter what.

Thank you.

P.S. I enclose couple of pics I made to show off my new vest/bolero I managed to finish just in time for birthday :)

  

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Feast

My Dear Void, yesterday was the celebration of my fathers birthday (and mine aswell) and after enjoying amazing musical theatre, Mary Poppins, with my sister all of my family went out for dinner.

Last year we all gathered into an italian pizzeria La Dolce Vita. I really recommend it if you want to have an authentic taste of Italy. Because the owners there are actually italian and they dont stroll around the place in their suits overlooking the action, they get their hands dirty, in this case floury. But enough about last year.

This year we looked towards The Orient. We went to the place called Asian Chef. They serve all kind of asian food, I think, because in their extensive menu, they had indian food, chinese food and even thai food. And they have chefs from India and Nepal, so they really know what they are doing. (I dont want to think about chicken biryani I once ate at a place called Taj Mahal. I guess thats the reason they went out of business).

I already knew what I wanted before we went there because I had checked their website and their menus. I wanted lamb spinach from the indian part of the menu. The rest of my family ended up ordering chinese food because my mom and sis and grandma, they are little afraid of the spices and like that sweet and sour thing. And my dad ordered something with 3 peppers behind it in the menu (here they indicate the spicyness of the dish by putting little chillipepper pictures behind the dishes name) and he wanted to have something really fiery. BUT my lamb ended up having more oomph than his chicken. And since I tried all of their dishes aswell (since they all came in little bowls that you can share with everybody) I realized how different the chinese and indian flavour profiles are in comparison. I definately like indian spice palette better. And my lamb spinach was loooooooooovely!!!!

It was truly a wonderful day. The real winter has arrived. And Im glad that I will have snow on my real birthday coming on next wednesday.