Don't worry my Dear Void, its not going to be anything too deep or abstract. Its about my last day to be as old as I am because tadaa! tomorrow is my birthday. And no worries, it's not going to be a post about existential/mid-life crisis either.
I remember the times I have written here and there were several times I have done so around or on my birthday. And I feel that the setting I was in has changed, I live in a different country now than I did then but overall I feel the same. I am still the same me. Maybe more experienced and sadly more cynical, but still me.
I'm transcending into this deeper conversational level when I write here sometimes. It almost feels, strangely enough, like an outer body experience. I feel that I haven't had such a conversation in real life, face to face for far too long. As time goes by, people tend to get more superficial and shallow, maybe myself as well.
I miss it, Dear Void, I miss it so much. Being able to sit across the table from someone, with a hot tea/coffee in my hand and talk. Not about the weather or tv or for the sake of it, situation in politics, but about life, deeper meaning of things. Talk about out inner selves, about out feelings, emotions and aspirations without fear of being judged or taken the wrong way. I feel as if I need to do this again or soon I wont be able to, that I wouldn't know how to talk about these things anymore. It may sound ridiculous but I feel the physical need for these emotional-philosophical-intuitive conversations. Its like part of me is fading away because I haven't found an outlet to it.
And, no offence, I don't think that talking to you Dear Void is the complete answer either. It helps, it definitely does, but it sometimes turns into this aimless rambling, which I really rather avoid.
On the happier notes, I will spend my birthday most of it at work (not really that happy tone) and the afternoon I will meet my friend with whom I will spend a lovely afternoon and catch up. I cant wait, I have so much to tell her.
Then a nice evening with my other half who will take me for dinner the day after !
To be honest, Dear Void, it did turn into an existential crisis sort of ramble at some point...but I brought it back!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Friday, November 9, 2018
Feeling the deep calm over me
Good evening, my Dear Void.
My working week is over and I'm heading straight towards weekend. This weekend will be busy for me, I'm going to my choir rehearsal and then the day is done. Nowadays there is so little daylight that day seems to be almost like cut in half and it only gets worse still. The winter equinox is more than a month away and so is the change towards days getting longer again.
This week has had its ups and downs, these last few days have really brought a smile on my face. Its been busy and full of things to do but I have powered through and now I have this sense of relief and peace coming from within me.
There is something about children that is so special. The little ways they appreciate you as a teacher. And I, I am a teacher that is new, the one they don't know but somehow so far I have always managed to bridge that gap and get them on my side.
There is something heartwarming when they tell you that you are really good teacher and they would like you to come back. I know it might be only words, so simple, but I would like to believe that they are sincere. It probably sounds cheesy, but it makes me feel that my efforts haven't been in vain, because, speaking for myself, I really try.
Before I left the school on Wednesday, I was handed couple of drawings and I was also a recipient of a big hug.
These past two days I have been in a wonderful all-girls school.
The people there are so nice, I am absolutely lack of words and the children, how inquisitive and clever girls go to that school. I have seen them before when I past their school on the bus, how they walk to school or from school in their most adorable uniforms. ( Seriously, these are the cutest uniforms I have ever seen, blazer and dress, not forgetting those little hats with bows on it). Think about Madeline, exactly like this, only different colour.
I had such a wonderful time with those girls, all the questions they asked about out topics and life in general, were really a good starter for a deep conversation. And when they ask you in the end of the day whether they see you next week, you really want to say yes, but I actually never know if I am sent back. I truly hope I will have that chance.
And in case you don't know who is this Madeline I speak of, here is a little video.
My working week is over and I'm heading straight towards weekend. This weekend will be busy for me, I'm going to my choir rehearsal and then the day is done. Nowadays there is so little daylight that day seems to be almost like cut in half and it only gets worse still. The winter equinox is more than a month away and so is the change towards days getting longer again.
This week has had its ups and downs, these last few days have really brought a smile on my face. Its been busy and full of things to do but I have powered through and now I have this sense of relief and peace coming from within me.
There is something about children that is so special. The little ways they appreciate you as a teacher. And I, I am a teacher that is new, the one they don't know but somehow so far I have always managed to bridge that gap and get them on my side.
There is something heartwarming when they tell you that you are really good teacher and they would like you to come back. I know it might be only words, so simple, but I would like to believe that they are sincere. It probably sounds cheesy, but it makes me feel that my efforts haven't been in vain, because, speaking for myself, I really try.
Before I left the school on Wednesday, I was handed couple of drawings and I was also a recipient of a big hug.
These past two days I have been in a wonderful all-girls school.
The people there are so nice, I am absolutely lack of words and the children, how inquisitive and clever girls go to that school. I have seen them before when I past their school on the bus, how they walk to school or from school in their most adorable uniforms. ( Seriously, these are the cutest uniforms I have ever seen, blazer and dress, not forgetting those little hats with bows on it). Think about Madeline, exactly like this, only different colour.
I had such a wonderful time with those girls, all the questions they asked about out topics and life in general, were really a good starter for a deep conversation. And when they ask you in the end of the day whether they see you next week, you really want to say yes, but I actually never know if I am sent back. I truly hope I will have that chance.
And in case you don't know who is this Madeline I speak of, here is a little video.
Im off to enjoy my Friday evening with a lovely mug of strawberry-mint tea.
Enjoy my Madeline, Dear Void, and sweet dreams!
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Be gone, little voice!
Good morning my Dear Void.
Its Tuesday and I am at home. My agency didn't call me in today and its fine. I will make the most of the day, doing things around the home and soon heading out as well. My agency has the clause that I have to be ready to be called in until 11am.
Sorry, I think I have forgotten to mention that I work as a supply teacher through an agency. In a way it is better for me. I get to experience different stages in primary school, get loads of different experiences and then figure out where I want to anchor myself down.
Only there is a downside. I have to be on a "phone-watch" from 7am. That is the time when they start calling me and sending me to schools. Most of the time I don't know where I am going until they tell me after 7am and then I have to be prepared to step out the door immediately to make my way to the school and reach there by 8.30. Some days they let me know a day before where I would be going but so far its mostly being morning calls.
I have been doing well with it. My Dear Void, you know that I have been a morning person all my life and I like to be prepared. So all I need to do in the morning is get dressed, put my lunchbox into my bag that I have prepared the night before, put on shoes and jacket and off I go.
I would eventually like to stay put somewhere. Some schools have expressed their interest in taking a teacher from the supply staff that they have had in their school but so far I haven't been chosen for a permanent role.
And I discovered one thing, my Dear Void, something I struggle with and something I have to tackle right away. Its my soft heart. I honestly didn't think that I would even encounter such a thing while being a supply teacher but I have.
It's rejection. Maybe it sounds silly or overreaction or me thinking too much. Maybe its me getting my hopes up high and imagining way ahead of myself but it's really tough sometimes.
When you have gone to a place knowing that they are looking for someone permanent and you are one of the possible candidates and finding out the next morning that you weren't called back. When you already got to know the ways they do things and you got to know the children.
I know, my sound head tells me that it's not because they didn't like me, I just was't the one they were looking for. But there is something inside of me that whispers that I just wasn't good enough. After I figure myself out and shake it off, I understand that it is silly and I shouldn't have taken it into my heart but at that moment this little voice is piercing.
I have battled this little voice all my life and as I grow older, this voice grows smaller. I just wonder if it will ever be so tiny that it feels completely insignificant that I won't even notice it anymore.
Its Tuesday and I am at home. My agency didn't call me in today and its fine. I will make the most of the day, doing things around the home and soon heading out as well. My agency has the clause that I have to be ready to be called in until 11am.
Sorry, I think I have forgotten to mention that I work as a supply teacher through an agency. In a way it is better for me. I get to experience different stages in primary school, get loads of different experiences and then figure out where I want to anchor myself down.
Only there is a downside. I have to be on a "phone-watch" from 7am. That is the time when they start calling me and sending me to schools. Most of the time I don't know where I am going until they tell me after 7am and then I have to be prepared to step out the door immediately to make my way to the school and reach there by 8.30. Some days they let me know a day before where I would be going but so far its mostly being morning calls.
I have been doing well with it. My Dear Void, you know that I have been a morning person all my life and I like to be prepared. So all I need to do in the morning is get dressed, put my lunchbox into my bag that I have prepared the night before, put on shoes and jacket and off I go.
I would eventually like to stay put somewhere. Some schools have expressed their interest in taking a teacher from the supply staff that they have had in their school but so far I haven't been chosen for a permanent role.
And I discovered one thing, my Dear Void, something I struggle with and something I have to tackle right away. Its my soft heart. I honestly didn't think that I would even encounter such a thing while being a supply teacher but I have.
It's rejection. Maybe it sounds silly or overreaction or me thinking too much. Maybe its me getting my hopes up high and imagining way ahead of myself but it's really tough sometimes.
When you have gone to a place knowing that they are looking for someone permanent and you are one of the possible candidates and finding out the next morning that you weren't called back. When you already got to know the ways they do things and you got to know the children.
I know, my sound head tells me that it's not because they didn't like me, I just was't the one they were looking for. But there is something inside of me that whispers that I just wasn't good enough. After I figure myself out and shake it off, I understand that it is silly and I shouldn't have taken it into my heart but at that moment this little voice is piercing.
I have battled this little voice all my life and as I grow older, this voice grows smaller. I just wonder if it will ever be so tiny that it feels completely insignificant that I won't even notice it anymore.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Leap into the unknown.
My Dear Void.
It may seem that I have completely forgotten you but thats not true. I very often talk to you in my head and want to write down my thoughts but I simply doesnt find a moment to sit down, breathe and take my time to voice whats in my head.
Nowadays all that life seems to be is a circle that spinning faster and faster and I don't have a way to slow it down. I remember that years ago, life didn't seem to revolve only about work and home. I had time to do all the other things that I really enjoyed but now...its like I have become a hamster in a wheel that going round and round and there's no way out. I have to keep up with that wheel or I will be thrown off by the pure strength of the centripetal force.
One stage of my life is ending. I'm setting off sails into the unknown. I have stayed in my workplace for 2 and a half years and I'm taking on a new challenge as a teacher in school.
There times when I feel absolutely petrified about this. There are times when I'm excited, nervous, joyful, anxious, the whole kaleidoscope of emotions. I am overwhelmed. I know that this is something I have to do, to take that next step towards personal growth, to spread my wings but I am terrified. I had my induction yesterday with all the other teachers in that agency who have already taught in this position. It didn't make me feel any better about this whole situation. If anything, it made me feel even more overwhelmed. I felt like the odd one out because I have no experience what so ever teaching in schools here. I know deep in my heart that I will be fine. I will take my time to settle but ultimately I will be alright. It is like my mum said the other day that she knows that I will be fine no matter what because I am a fighter. I may not look like one, but I am.
I will say my goodbyes to my children in the nursery next week and I have a week to breathe before I head out to the choppy waters of schools. I guess that can be compared to a ship that's sailing out of the safe port, not knowing what lies ahead behind the horizon.
Wish me luck my Dear Void and wish me strength, both physical and emotional.
God willing, I will rise up and plough through whatever comes my way with my head held high and smile on my face.
It may seem that I have completely forgotten you but thats not true. I very often talk to you in my head and want to write down my thoughts but I simply doesnt find a moment to sit down, breathe and take my time to voice whats in my head.
Nowadays all that life seems to be is a circle that spinning faster and faster and I don't have a way to slow it down. I remember that years ago, life didn't seem to revolve only about work and home. I had time to do all the other things that I really enjoyed but now...its like I have become a hamster in a wheel that going round and round and there's no way out. I have to keep up with that wheel or I will be thrown off by the pure strength of the centripetal force.
One stage of my life is ending. I'm setting off sails into the unknown. I have stayed in my workplace for 2 and a half years and I'm taking on a new challenge as a teacher in school.
There times when I feel absolutely petrified about this. There are times when I'm excited, nervous, joyful, anxious, the whole kaleidoscope of emotions. I am overwhelmed. I know that this is something I have to do, to take that next step towards personal growth, to spread my wings but I am terrified. I had my induction yesterday with all the other teachers in that agency who have already taught in this position. It didn't make me feel any better about this whole situation. If anything, it made me feel even more overwhelmed. I felt like the odd one out because I have no experience what so ever teaching in schools here. I know deep in my heart that I will be fine. I will take my time to settle but ultimately I will be alright. It is like my mum said the other day that she knows that I will be fine no matter what because I am a fighter. I may not look like one, but I am.
I will say my goodbyes to my children in the nursery next week and I have a week to breathe before I head out to the choppy waters of schools. I guess that can be compared to a ship that's sailing out of the safe port, not knowing what lies ahead behind the horizon.
Wish me luck my Dear Void and wish me strength, both physical and emotional.
God willing, I will rise up and plough through whatever comes my way with my head held high and smile on my face.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Hospital
Its my second day in the hospital under the surveillance in telemetry ward. I'm sitting in my bed on the 7th floor, looking over the rooftops of the houses across the square. I love London, it has always had a certain charm with its old townhouses, crooked back alleys, quirky attic apartments. Its a medley of my fascination about Dickensian-Victorian London and seeing my mum reading novels by Barbara Cartland (an later following her footsteps) about young love an life of aristocracy in 19th century England and London.
And now sitting in bed, gazing out the window over those narrow metal staircase curling and winding up to the attic floors of the houses opposite my window get my old fascination stirring and imagination is taking flight.
I know, I know my Dear Void, there is nothing special happening in those houses, just everyday people living their everyday lives, but I cannot help wondering what happens behind those windows, what sort of people climb up these narrow stairs.
I turned my gaze out the window to see the big snowflakes slowly falling and twirling down on the bustle below, it doesn't reach my window, its quiet here and I can enjoy this temporary solitude, looking over the rooftops and letting my imagination fly with the falling snow.
And now sitting in bed, gazing out the window over those narrow metal staircase curling and winding up to the attic floors of the houses opposite my window get my old fascination stirring and imagination is taking flight.
I know, I know my Dear Void, there is nothing special happening in those houses, just everyday people living their everyday lives, but I cannot help wondering what happens behind those windows, what sort of people climb up these narrow stairs.
I turned my gaze out the window to see the big snowflakes slowly falling and twirling down on the bustle below, it doesn't reach my window, its quiet here and I can enjoy this temporary solitude, looking over the rooftops and letting my imagination fly with the falling snow.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Time spent on travelling is time well spent.
My Dear Void.
I have taken some time off from writing here, to be honest, I wasn't quite sure what to write here. You know the times when you really want to say something but nothing seems to be coming out, like your fingers stumble to write and all your thoughts all of a sudden feel scrambled in your head...
I have had a busy second half of the year in 2017. I returned to work and have been doing well so far. I have had some struggles here and there but I have come out of them on top and rolled with the punches.
The end of my last year was full of travels. I was so filled with wanderlust, I visited places I have never visited before such as Barcelona, Cyprus and Brugge. I had such a wonderful time and I had such wonderful companions to make my travels amazing, thank you to both of you.
I like travelling either way, whether I am travelling together with someone or alone. Companionship is always welcome but I have realised that travelling alone, being just you with your thoughts and ideas, can be really enlightening. I would highly recommend travelling if you need to do a bit of a soul searching. One of my big wishes is one day to travel and keep an actual diary-blog while Im travelling. I have never been able to do it before, for material reasons but now it is actually possible and I cannot wait for the chance to come, when I can take out my suitcase and set off to, not sunset, but someplace exciting, some place that's beckoning, tempting me to go....I can actually imagine myself sitting someplace quiet, with my whatever-techy-gadget out and writing, recording all what I can see, hear, smell, taste and feel...it almost feels as..reaching for my favourite book again. If you remember Dear Void what it is....yes..."Under the Tuscan Sun"..maybe that's what should be my next travel destination..what do you think?
I have taken some time off from writing here, to be honest, I wasn't quite sure what to write here. You know the times when you really want to say something but nothing seems to be coming out, like your fingers stumble to write and all your thoughts all of a sudden feel scrambled in your head...
I have had a busy second half of the year in 2017. I returned to work and have been doing well so far. I have had some struggles here and there but I have come out of them on top and rolled with the punches.
The end of my last year was full of travels. I was so filled with wanderlust, I visited places I have never visited before such as Barcelona, Cyprus and Brugge. I had such a wonderful time and I had such wonderful companions to make my travels amazing, thank you to both of you.
I like travelling either way, whether I am travelling together with someone or alone. Companionship is always welcome but I have realised that travelling alone, being just you with your thoughts and ideas, can be really enlightening. I would highly recommend travelling if you need to do a bit of a soul searching. One of my big wishes is one day to travel and keep an actual diary-blog while Im travelling. I have never been able to do it before, for material reasons but now it is actually possible and I cannot wait for the chance to come, when I can take out my suitcase and set off to, not sunset, but someplace exciting, some place that's beckoning, tempting me to go....I can actually imagine myself sitting someplace quiet, with my whatever-techy-gadget out and writing, recording all what I can see, hear, smell, taste and feel...it almost feels as..reaching for my favourite book again. If you remember Dear Void what it is....yes..."Under the Tuscan Sun"..maybe that's what should be my next travel destination..what do you think?
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