It's coursing through my veins.

 Blood, yes sweet blood is coursing through my veins Dear Void.

Quite morbid-sounding start to this post, I have to admit. I'm struggling again with the blood sugar. I have followed my program for exactly 6 months and a day now and next week is my big blood test appointment. I am terrified. I was taken off the medication because the levels were good. BUT that was with the help of the medication. I haven't had any in my system for 3 months now and I don't know what the results may be now. I would be absolutely devastated if I had to go back to taking pills every time I ate. I know, I know Void, that there are no guarantees and I knew it when I started that there is a chance to get off the medication but I so much want it to be true for me for a long term. Diabetes is with me for life, like an invisible backpack I carry on my shoulders. A silent killer (if to be extra dramatic and even more morbid).

The way I manage my eating and all seems somehow be more of a problem for everybody else but myself. Strange isn't it? The way I eat now and what I eat is a habit for me now, thus it's easy. It takes some thinking ahead sometimes but its alright. I'm not losing my sleep over things I can not eat anymore. My family finds it a bit hard to fathom. Not even the family here, but back home. They feel somehow that I have to sacrifice the tasting-pleasures of all kinds of sweet delicacies. I have never once told them that I miss anything yet they feel that I somehow harbour some deep yearnings. It is actually quite humorous at times.

I go to my bedroom and stand in front of the mirror and I look at myself. With true honesty, I can tell you dear Void, I like what I see. I have worked so hard. It has not been smooth sailing all the time. Being able to work on myself and delve into myself and seeing results is worth million more than a piece of cake (even the words most delicious one).

Stuck.

 Dear Void, I'm stuck. Stuck in my mind, stuck in my body.

I feel like an old person who's body is giving up on them. My knees hurt and my back aches when I wake up. My other health issues are giving me nothing but grief.

This morning I woke up with a raging migraine. Finding out that laying down in bed only intensifies my pain, I decided to quietly get up, gather my things and leave him sleeping. I made my way into living room, seeing all kinds of haze in my eyes. Feeling dizzy and reeling from the pain I stretched myself and did some calming pilates exercises. That made me feel little bit human again.

Nowadays I try not to overthink. Which is really difficult for me, being chronic over-thinker. I remember reading someplace that most of our health problems stem from our mind, from the negative thinking. I guess that may be right, at least in my case. Where did my migraine come from? Definitely last evenings events contributed a lot.

It's never good idea to have an argument before sleep. My brain takes it all in like a sponge and starts to process it during my sleep and thus gives me less than a little sleep. I may appear sleeping but my brain gives me no relief. I wake up tired as ever.

It hurts me hearing that I'm not able to give someone what they want and need. It frustrates me the same time. It's the time where I need to weigh out what I need (not really what I want, but need - both mind and body) against what others want and need. I don't know if I can go against myself this time. I feel that I have been doing it for so long time that it has become second nature. My body and my mind are screaming at me to start thinking about myself and truly delve into what is it that I need. It is devastating seeing people that I love telling me that I'm not giving them what they need, seeing this anger and frustration in their eyes and hear it in their voices. The blame game, finger pointing, unnecessary insults.

I wish the life could be easier. Life as it was long time ago. When there was no worries, no existential crisis moments. Of course there were worries, for a person I was back then, but looking back now, they were nothing. Worries back then were not even slightly similar or serious of the worries I have now. I wish I could look back and tell the person I was back then to relax and just be herself, to brace myself for whats yet to come. No, actually I wouldn't say that. I would want her to know that there is nothing bad happening to her, to enjoy the life she has now, to let her know the smaller world worries could easily be overcome. To hug her and say that she is enough.

Right now I don't feel that I am.

I feel gas-lighted. Under appreciated.

The other day, birds were singing outside in the blossom tree. I closed my eyes and it took me back to quiet streets in Karlova. Lilac trees were spreading their sweet scent. I was walking, tall grass brushed against my ankles, balmy wind touched my cheeks and sun rays broke through the canopy of old trees. I was happy. Hakuna Matata.

Be still my mind

 Good morning my Dear Void.

Last time I posted, I actually posted from my phone instead of typing here. I used the microphone function and then later manually spell checked. It was easier than I thought. It felt weird to talk out loud though. I even started to over think and my talking went all clunky. I prefer typing here. My fingers are nimble and fast. I guess talking my thoughts out loud is not the greatest option for me. I remember someone saying along the lines of when you put your thoughts and feelings into words and say it out loud, they become more real. The quote was longer than that but that part, it really made me think. I agree. I have some heavy thoughts sometimes, some life changing thoughts sometimes, that I am afraid to say out loud. Hearing them back from myself seems frightening somehow.

Today among all the spring-time, my mind travelled back a year. Thinking what I was dealing with one year ago. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Just like Charles Dickens started his "Tale of two cities". It truly was for me. Dealing with all what I had to brought me to the brink of collapse. I didn't collapse though. I couldn't. I honestly do not know what held me up and together because I sank into darkness, even thinking about it now makes me all choked up inside and I feel the stress welling up like a gargantuan wave. 

Looking back I do not know how I managed to finish that year in school. How I managed to finish on high. After all my burning out and diabetes surprise in June. Person closest to me telling just to be like other people and do my thing - if others can do it, so can I. (To be fair, he didn't know any better and is not most eloquent on mental health front. Forgiven.) 

I feel that I have gained back some of what I lost. Somehow feeling more fragile than before. Feeling that I'm holding it together but knowing that one big blow will send me crumbling.

I have a huge vase of tulips and daffodils next to my computer and I lean over to bury my nose among the petals as I type. The promise of spring and promise of tranquillity is just what I need. Is this what they meant by: stop and smell the flowers? Anyway, here is some for you as well.

Strict weekend

 My dear Void,

This weekend I have completely grabbed the bull by the horns. What exactly do I mean by that? Well, let me tell you.

Amongst of all the good things that have happened to me because of the diabetes program, I have come across a big struggle.

Something happened that I simply couldn't  explain - my daily blood sugar readings started to creep up again and considerably over the safe limit. I can't express how shocked I was because I have been doing everything, absolutely everything by the book. I racked my brains thinking where did I go wrong. I still don't know.

So my only and best strategy was to strip everything down and be completely strict with myself. I started marking everything down when and what I ate. I stopped snacking in between the meals. One of the most important thing, considering eating, is to let myself feel the hunger - not eating until I actually feel that my stomach is empty and I need food.(I read a really good article about modern day lifestyle and how it is affecting our eating).

I feel that I have been successful the past 2 days. These heightened readings really shocked me to my core, I don't want to go back to taking medication. I want to fully be able to control my condition with my lifestyle and eating behaviour.

And to be honest my dear Void, it's easy to stop eating if you know that you might hurt yourself, hurt your health if you continue. 

I feel myself moving further and further away from comfort eating and closer to conscious eating. And as usual I've had to learn the hard way.