My Dear Void, thats something I have been thinking the past couple of days. Until now I have regarded these kind of matters somewhat universal. But now I realise that they are not. There are as many different definitions to it as there are people in the world since there are no mold for people. They are born unique, life smooths the rough edges but they are still unique inside.
So what is the act of showing love in everyday situations? How do you let your special one know that you love them? Its somewhat rhetorical question because there are no answer that could be singled out as I said before. And I guess you have to thank God if you happen to find that person who matches with you in this matter. Since if the match doesnt happen, one thinks that there are no love being shown and the other wonders why their gestures (that are supposed to show their affection) only seem to lead to unhappiness.
I am a person who appreciates little things. I dont necessarily need enormous gestures to feel loved. (Though I wouldnt mind something like a serenade under my window and candles spelling out how much that person loves me, well, who wouldnt like something of the sort). I like these little reminders every day, little spontaineous acts to see/hear/feel that someone is thinking about me and misses me. I like sweet and simple things, calling that someone out of the blue just to say that you are thinking about them.
I dont know really how to describe things like that. But I have experienced it firsthand when you do all these things (that I would like seeing done for me and what would make me happy) and yet you see that special person disgruntled and doubting wether you have any feelings for them at all.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Disgustingly joyful
Well, my Dear Void, I wouldnt really call myself that. Though that term was used once to describe me. Actually that happened quite long time ago.
The reason why Im writing here this early Monday morning (my absolute least favourite morning) is my father. No rant this time. But something he said made me think and brought back something a friend told me few months ago.
My father called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to join him for a ride. My gut feeling told me what it was about but I still went. And it was right. It was exactly what I thought it would be about. We sat in the car and as he was driving, he was talking aswell only this time I felt that there was a change in his character. Maybe I need to thank my mother for that as my dad mentioned that mom had spoken with him.
We didnt talk for a very long time but he did tell me his thoughts but in a more mellow way. He said that Im always welcome home and that he and my mom see that im unhappy as my life isnt exactly going as I have imagined.
He said that he can see that Im unhappy. That brought back the conversation with one of my friends who came to visit me few months ago. We sat here, had some coffee and he said something like : my God, all those things you have been through in your life, no wonder that you are depressed and unhappy..
But Im not.
I wouldnt describe myself as a exhilaratingly happy but Im not depressed and unhappy either. Yes, I have had a rocky past and some things have gone completely wrong. Hey, I thought that by the time Im 25, I have my own home, loving husband and maybe one child aswell. That just shows how many turns life can take. But when I think about my life, I dont see it as being down in the gutter. I have had ups and downs, but I see my ups more than my downs.
My life has been a journey and I have met some wonderful people on the way. And there are people who have it worse than me. Im not doing that thing that my friend Ben described as "schadenfreude" because theres no such word in english. I just know that people have it worse than me, so what is there for me to complain. Maybe thats something that relates to my previous post when I said that Im not feeling defeated when facing obstacles or going through rough patches. Because I know they wont be forever. Obstacles, I mean. And I refuse to be unhappy.
The reason why Im writing here this early Monday morning (my absolute least favourite morning) is my father. No rant this time. But something he said made me think and brought back something a friend told me few months ago.
My father called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to join him for a ride. My gut feeling told me what it was about but I still went. And it was right. It was exactly what I thought it would be about. We sat in the car and as he was driving, he was talking aswell only this time I felt that there was a change in his character. Maybe I need to thank my mother for that as my dad mentioned that mom had spoken with him.
We didnt talk for a very long time but he did tell me his thoughts but in a more mellow way. He said that Im always welcome home and that he and my mom see that im unhappy as my life isnt exactly going as I have imagined.
He said that he can see that Im unhappy. That brought back the conversation with one of my friends who came to visit me few months ago. We sat here, had some coffee and he said something like : my God, all those things you have been through in your life, no wonder that you are depressed and unhappy..
But Im not.
I wouldnt describe myself as a exhilaratingly happy but Im not depressed and unhappy either. Yes, I have had a rocky past and some things have gone completely wrong. Hey, I thought that by the time Im 25, I have my own home, loving husband and maybe one child aswell. That just shows how many turns life can take. But when I think about my life, I dont see it as being down in the gutter. I have had ups and downs, but I see my ups more than my downs.
My life has been a journey and I have met some wonderful people on the way. And there are people who have it worse than me. Im not doing that thing that my friend Ben described as "schadenfreude" because theres no such word in english. I just know that people have it worse than me, so what is there for me to complain. Maybe thats something that relates to my previous post when I said that Im not feeling defeated when facing obstacles or going through rough patches. Because I know they wont be forever. Obstacles, I mean. And I refuse to be unhappy.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Dry waterfall
Its actually a reply to a post from my dear friend and his thoughts on it made me think. I love it. I love when something or someone provokes me to think. And Im not meaning a negative provocation.
I loved that comparison that he made. Dry waterfall - a part of a life cycle when pleasures, love and happiness seem to disappear through the cracks in the ground and leave the riverbed barren and dry. Dryspells that last for long. Desert in your throat, heart yearning for something that you thought was permanent but what still disappeared like a mirage in a Sahara.
It got me thinking about my own life. And about possible differences from his way of looking at his own life. I started thinking about my own dryspells. Have I really had any? Probably. Do I see them as complete droughts? No. I view my life, my story ( stress on the word view, since I refuse to bow down to the hits I get from life) as a river that sometimes swells up to size of the river Nile, sometimes dries smaller, at times really small, leaving only a trickle. But It never dries. Never. I refuse to let it be so. As soon as I see that the rain has stopped, creeks that fed it have dried, I get into action and I have always managed to keep that little trickle flowing. Maybe the life has been kind to me, maybe Im just lucky but I dont count that as my doing, someone up there has kept me in the hollow of His hand and assured me that the water will come. He has made my river to be fed by many creeks and He never lets them all dry at once. And I guess that is something that has always kept me as I am, kept me going.
Hold on my friend, water is on its way!
I loved that comparison that he made. Dry waterfall - a part of a life cycle when pleasures, love and happiness seem to disappear through the cracks in the ground and leave the riverbed barren and dry. Dryspells that last for long. Desert in your throat, heart yearning for something that you thought was permanent but what still disappeared like a mirage in a Sahara.
It got me thinking about my own life. And about possible differences from his way of looking at his own life. I started thinking about my own dryspells. Have I really had any? Probably. Do I see them as complete droughts? No. I view my life, my story ( stress on the word view, since I refuse to bow down to the hits I get from life) as a river that sometimes swells up to size of the river Nile, sometimes dries smaller, at times really small, leaving only a trickle. But It never dries. Never. I refuse to let it be so. As soon as I see that the rain has stopped, creeks that fed it have dried, I get into action and I have always managed to keep that little trickle flowing. Maybe the life has been kind to me, maybe Im just lucky but I dont count that as my doing, someone up there has kept me in the hollow of His hand and assured me that the water will come. He has made my river to be fed by many creeks and He never lets them all dry at once. And I guess that is something that has always kept me as I am, kept me going.
Hold on my friend, water is on its way!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Long time no see..
Cant believe, my Dear Void that the last post here was more than a month ago. Thats exactly what I ment when I once said that I seem to do this blogging in waves. Sometimes I write alot and then for some time theres absolute silence. One of my dear friends asked me that why havent I been writing. And I paused and thought about it. Why indeed? I guess I didnt have anything wise to say. Because I strive to write about things that matter to me, that play on my heartstrings, or simply about things that happen to me that are unusual and funny.
Many things have happened to me during this time of absence. I dont even know where to start but one thing is sure - some things have become more clear to me yet some things are more tangled and some stay untouched.
One decision I took was to move. Move back with my parents. It makes me sad because I truly value my independency but I have no choice. I have decided to relocate and living here alone wont let me prepare for it, financially. It does make me really sad because this place here, its my home even though its only a rental apartment. When I broke the news to my landlord he was sad too because I have been a good tenant. I dont throw loud parties, I dont mess up and trash the place, I always pay my rent and bills on the right time (sometimes I remind him that he needs to come and collect the rent or send me the electricity bill because he just forgets).
Im afraid. More clearly than ever I realize one of my biggest fears. Confrontation. I am a peaceloving person. But I know that when I move back home, I need to face my father sooner or later. Dont think that he is some sort of a monster. Not at all. He is as strong-willed person as I am. But I know he has his beliefs and opinions. I remember some days ago when I called my mother and asked if I could move back home and she said that we need to talk to dad too. I said straight away that Im afraid and I dont want to. She asked me why and I said that I love dad but I already know what he wants to say about this, about all my plans. Since every time we talked about it, it quickly turned into his monologue with me just sitting there choking back the tears and him talking alone.
And so I said to my mom that I appreciate his opinion, I just dont want to hear it all over again since I know already what he wants to say. But when I move home, I have to hear it sooner or later. So my mom said that she will talk to dad. I texted her later to ask what he said and she answered with the sweetest message ever, that Im always welcome home. It still bring tears to my eyes.
Dont get me wrong, I dont cry about everything. But when something touches me deep or I deal with the matters or people that are the most important to me, I do get emotional.
But so far, I have my plans set for summer, for the relocation. I cant imagine fitting my whole life into 2 suitcases again....de ja vu moment.
Many things have happened to me during this time of absence. I dont even know where to start but one thing is sure - some things have become more clear to me yet some things are more tangled and some stay untouched.
One decision I took was to move. Move back with my parents. It makes me sad because I truly value my independency but I have no choice. I have decided to relocate and living here alone wont let me prepare for it, financially. It does make me really sad because this place here, its my home even though its only a rental apartment. When I broke the news to my landlord he was sad too because I have been a good tenant. I dont throw loud parties, I dont mess up and trash the place, I always pay my rent and bills on the right time (sometimes I remind him that he needs to come and collect the rent or send me the electricity bill because he just forgets).
Im afraid. More clearly than ever I realize one of my biggest fears. Confrontation. I am a peaceloving person. But I know that when I move back home, I need to face my father sooner or later. Dont think that he is some sort of a monster. Not at all. He is as strong-willed person as I am. But I know he has his beliefs and opinions. I remember some days ago when I called my mother and asked if I could move back home and she said that we need to talk to dad too. I said straight away that Im afraid and I dont want to. She asked me why and I said that I love dad but I already know what he wants to say about this, about all my plans. Since every time we talked about it, it quickly turned into his monologue with me just sitting there choking back the tears and him talking alone.
And so I said to my mom that I appreciate his opinion, I just dont want to hear it all over again since I know already what he wants to say. But when I move home, I have to hear it sooner or later. So my mom said that she will talk to dad. I texted her later to ask what he said and she answered with the sweetest message ever, that Im always welcome home. It still bring tears to my eyes.
Dont get me wrong, I dont cry about everything. But when something touches me deep or I deal with the matters or people that are the most important to me, I do get emotional.
But so far, I have my plans set for summer, for the relocation. I cant imagine fitting my whole life into 2 suitcases again....de ja vu moment.
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