Indeed..my work starts again on Monday.. almost all same old, same old but still some exciting news from the job-frontier ;) cant spill all the beans now but if you are interested, ask me.
After I discovered that He has an account on the net where He states that he i single, I made an account there too. I cant ever state there that Im single but even though I stated married there, people are still interested in me (doesnt matter in what way:P) and I have met some really nice and sweet people over there and they make me feel good and feel good about myself :) and thats the main thing....
Listen one song Im gonna give you. I thought that this song is not good (without even listening first, my bad) but theres something in that song...something I feel I relate to at this stage of my life that Im having....listen and tell me what you think and feel..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ0FhVZce2o
Friday, August 28, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Summer is soon over...
Yes indeed, summer is over soon and I have the feeling that I havent had any rest what so ever. Sure, I had a marvellous almost-a-week vacation in Amsterdam with Doris. She and Sander were absolutely wonderful:) Huge thanks for them for making my stay there so great:)
Well. I dont know where to start telling about my other ventures of the grounds of relationship with my husband.
I feel that Im a person who never ever runs out of problems to ponder about. Yes, thats me, the Problem-Woman tadaaaa!!! I know that I am insecure about loads of things in my life and all that 6 months of crap has destroyed a big amount of selfcofidence and selfesteem that I managed to build up the last year and a half. Does it all really comes down to me having a low selfesteem?? Maybe. It makes me feel very sad if I think about Me and how I was few years back. I was a lot bigger than I am now and I had been like that since I hit puberty. So Im in a way still in that thinking that I have to earn all the affection and love. And the feeling of not being good enough, not looking good enough, not being beautiful enough, still haunts me. I know its incredibly stupid to blame all this mishappenings on me not being good enough and not being beautiful enough but thats what my subconscious keeps whispering me on my lowest moments when I wallow in self-pity.
And I dont know but I feel that Im in a constant competition with other women. All those female acquaintances that He has (I refuse to call them friends, coz friendship is totally different what they are having) are all...you know, they are babes. And Im not. And they make me feel that Im old. And Im not even 25 yet! But they mostly are 19.
And I feel more and more that He is embarassed of the fact that He is married. And that breaks my heart. I know that its possibly because all his friends nowadays are 19-22 years old. They are all single, running around, screwing around and they dont even think about settling down. Maybe He wants to be like that too. He has promised me and sworn that He doesnt do anything stupid, but still. Maybe he feels that being married makes him less interesting or places him on the lower status in the group. Which I think is STUUUPIID!
I checked the pictures of his friend in orkut. Most of them are bunch of rich kids with fancy cars that their parents paid for and their idea of a nice party is: getting in the car, driving to someones apartment or to some waistland, sitting down on the sofa, of the back of the car or on some bench and drink til they get wasted, then occasional throwing up on the floor or in the bushes...and thats your fun.
No need to say that I think its incredibly lame. But He finds it fun. And that places Him there, on the same level with them. I think I have overcome this stage (I think I never had this anyways) and to be honest, I dont know his friends and yes, they can be very nice people but I think that I would never fit in their group. When I look how they spend their time, always drinking til they drop, I feel Im much too developed to spend my time like that. I like quality-time. I dont need to get wasted to have a good time and Im not that good in talking nothing but BS.
Well. I dont know where to start telling about my other ventures of the grounds of relationship with my husband.
I feel that Im a person who never ever runs out of problems to ponder about. Yes, thats me, the Problem-Woman tadaaaa!!! I know that I am insecure about loads of things in my life and all that 6 months of crap has destroyed a big amount of selfcofidence and selfesteem that I managed to build up the last year and a half. Does it all really comes down to me having a low selfesteem?? Maybe. It makes me feel very sad if I think about Me and how I was few years back. I was a lot bigger than I am now and I had been like that since I hit puberty. So Im in a way still in that thinking that I have to earn all the affection and love. And the feeling of not being good enough, not looking good enough, not being beautiful enough, still haunts me. I know its incredibly stupid to blame all this mishappenings on me not being good enough and not being beautiful enough but thats what my subconscious keeps whispering me on my lowest moments when I wallow in self-pity.
And I dont know but I feel that Im in a constant competition with other women. All those female acquaintances that He has (I refuse to call them friends, coz friendship is totally different what they are having) are all...you know, they are babes. And Im not. And they make me feel that Im old. And Im not even 25 yet! But they mostly are 19.
And I feel more and more that He is embarassed of the fact that He is married. And that breaks my heart. I know that its possibly because all his friends nowadays are 19-22 years old. They are all single, running around, screwing around and they dont even think about settling down. Maybe He wants to be like that too. He has promised me and sworn that He doesnt do anything stupid, but still. Maybe he feels that being married makes him less interesting or places him on the lower status in the group. Which I think is STUUUPIID!
I checked the pictures of his friend in orkut. Most of them are bunch of rich kids with fancy cars that their parents paid for and their idea of a nice party is: getting in the car, driving to someones apartment or to some waistland, sitting down on the sofa, of the back of the car or on some bench and drink til they get wasted, then occasional throwing up on the floor or in the bushes...and thats your fun.
No need to say that I think its incredibly lame. But He finds it fun. And that places Him there, on the same level with them. I think I have overcome this stage (I think I never had this anyways) and to be honest, I dont know his friends and yes, they can be very nice people but I think that I would never fit in their group. When I look how they spend their time, always drinking til they drop, I feel Im much too developed to spend my time like that. I like quality-time. I dont need to get wasted to have a good time and Im not that good in talking nothing but BS.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Alone and lonely
One major thing has happened in my life. I graduated university. I dont want to talk about it now. People who are in my friendlist in Orkut, they can see the pics, and the others its just too bad. I aint gonna share it with non-friends:P
Anyways. Im alone and lonely. Hes gone out, again with his friends. And you have no idea how jealous I am. Coz He always has something to talk with them and to be honest He has soooo many of them. And on those rare moments of brutal honesty, he has told me that he really doesnt give a fuck about 90% of those, that they are just people He spends his time with. Then what about me? Guess Im not fun to be around anymore. Although things are going normal now. Like we are like all those couples who are married for years. The same old routine every single day.
We dont do fun things anymore. We hardly ever go anywhere. We just stay at home and I know that he is far to lazy and comfortable to go out just for a walk or something...
But I dont want to be like that, just sit at home, beside eachother but not really with eachother. Its just when I think about him spending almost every other evening with his friends, while Im home alone...like today...I feel abandoned....coz He hardly ever puts some effort into doing something with me. Im here, we are married, Im here to stay...so I think he has started to take me for granted if he doesnt do that already.
But this just makes me incredibly sad to see his face lighten up when He goes out with his friends like Yeaaaah...finally I get outta here to do something interesting...while all day he has just been a couch-potato, watchin fword and me here going on and on about doing something together.....
P.S. and I still dont understand why I cant be taken with when he goes out with his friends. And the other thing...he has no picture of me or us whatsoever in his Orkut account. Like I dont exist in his life....at least it makes me feel like that....or he is ashamed to be married with me or he wants people to think that he is not married......oooops...I think overactive imagination on the run here so I better stop:P
Anyways. Im alone and lonely. Hes gone out, again with his friends. And you have no idea how jealous I am. Coz He always has something to talk with them and to be honest He has soooo many of them. And on those rare moments of brutal honesty, he has told me that he really doesnt give a fuck about 90% of those, that they are just people He spends his time with. Then what about me? Guess Im not fun to be around anymore. Although things are going normal now. Like we are like all those couples who are married for years. The same old routine every single day.
We dont do fun things anymore. We hardly ever go anywhere. We just stay at home and I know that he is far to lazy and comfortable to go out just for a walk or something...
But I dont want to be like that, just sit at home, beside eachother but not really with eachother. Its just when I think about him spending almost every other evening with his friends, while Im home alone...like today...I feel abandoned....coz He hardly ever puts some effort into doing something with me. Im here, we are married, Im here to stay...so I think he has started to take me for granted if he doesnt do that already.
But this just makes me incredibly sad to see his face lighten up when He goes out with his friends like Yeaaaah...finally I get outta here to do something interesting...while all day he has just been a couch-potato, watchin fword and me here going on and on about doing something together.....
P.S. and I still dont understand why I cant be taken with when he goes out with his friends. And the other thing...he has no picture of me or us whatsoever in his Orkut account. Like I dont exist in his life....at least it makes me feel like that....or he is ashamed to be married with me or he wants people to think that he is not married......oooops...I think overactive imagination on the run here so I better stop:P
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Its all over.....
Thank heavens its all over now.. I have done all my exams, but it didnt come without shocks. In the beginning of this week I was told that I might not graduate this year. Its really along story, but all is well that ends well :)
I discovered a good channel to watch from Justins Tv. The web address is www.justin.tv and the channel is fword. Yes, you are right, Gordon Ramsey and his Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares and Fword....I really enjoy watching it, its really funny. Give it a try, and if you dont like it, try some other channel, theres plenty there...
I discovered a good channel to watch from Justins Tv. The web address is www.justin.tv and the channel is fword. Yes, you are right, Gordon Ramsey and his Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares and Fword....I really enjoy watching it, its really funny. Give it a try, and if you dont like it, try some other channel, theres plenty there...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Its Pizzatime!
Yes, I ordered a pizza over a veeery long time. And it was really good. From Moka. Hes friends brother is a chef there so we probably got some extra topping for our pizza. And it was quick too. To be honest, I dont remember when was the last time I ordered something like this, food I mean. I remember ordering a pizza on my 13th birthday when my friends were all over for the party. The pizza I ate today was way better than then. Of course, this one was actually made today. Not made days ago and then thrown in the deep-freezer and then to the microwave. And this delicious pizza didnt cost that much at all. And the delivery guy was eating me with his eyes when I went down to get the pizza, that was actually hilarious. I had to keep myself from not laughing. And because of this, I got the pizza cheaper than it really cost. So heres the thing, order a pizza, and when you go and receive it, wear a tight tee.:P
And now I probably should go and let some bread go to my bones, if you are estonian, you get the drift:P
And now I probably should go and let some bread go to my bones, if you are estonian, you get the drift:P
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Just one month left...
Exactly. Just one month left til I graduate university. Then one big period of my life will be over. Its like a step into an adulthood because until you study something, you are in a way still considered to be a child. Of course I will always be a child for my parents, but thats not what I ment. I want to be on my own so much. I want to have my own home with all those things I want to have in there. I know that in the beginning theres not going to be that much in my home, but all the things that would be there, they would be mine and have meaning to me. I want to be the mistress of the house:P Because when you have your own home, you also have a big responsibility and Im not afraid of that. I had that for a year when I lived in Ireland and we did just fine. We managed everything. I just feel that my life hasnt truly started yet as long as I still live under the same roof with my parents. I love them very much, but I want to have my own little home.
You know how they say that always expect the unexpected. And they also say that when you dont have high hopes and expectations, you dont get disappointed. But its totally impossible for me to live like this, that I have no expectations at all. What comes to my close ones, of course I have hopes. And I dont like the feeling when people abandon me. You may be busy and have crazy times but when I see u abandon me, then I get pissed. Coz I havent done anything to deserve it. And then I abandon you right back. I have learned one thing, if you havent got that close to me (yet) then if you mistreat me, I turn my back and leave. I have been steadily learning my worth. I know what Im worth and if you dont appreciate it, you just have to be without me. Call me cocky, call me emotionless, but thats just the no shit attitude that I gotta have sometimes.
You know how they say that always expect the unexpected. And they also say that when you dont have high hopes and expectations, you dont get disappointed. But its totally impossible for me to live like this, that I have no expectations at all. What comes to my close ones, of course I have hopes. And I dont like the feeling when people abandon me. You may be busy and have crazy times but when I see u abandon me, then I get pissed. Coz I havent done anything to deserve it. And then I abandon you right back. I have learned one thing, if you havent got that close to me (yet) then if you mistreat me, I turn my back and leave. I have been steadily learning my worth. I know what Im worth and if you dont appreciate it, you just have to be without me. Call me cocky, call me emotionless, but thats just the no shit attitude that I gotta have sometimes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
As usual.
The morning has been absolutely amazing. I stepped out of my home, I felt kind of dizzy, you know the feeling like you are still dreaming and walking around with eyes still full of sleep. The sun was shining in the clear blue sky, birds were singing and cool air brushed my cheeks. Sunlight was glistening on the puddles and I just felt such peace. As crazy as it may sound, I like to walk around alone and have conversations in my head:D I mean that I walk and theres noone around me, sometimes I sing almost silently and sometimes I talk with someone whos not actually there with me but I wish they would be so I tell them all those things I would want to say to them. And believe it or not, it clears my head so well. I get so many things straight inside and such clarity.Few days ago I thought about whats my purpose in life and I wrote some of my thoughts here too. Maybe its weird or even wrong to seek purpose in every person whos in your life. But at least for now and for me, it makes things easier and it works, it really works for me. Even all the people who want to harm me, like Her, theres a purpose. I dont see That purpose fully yet, but its slowly coming.
And I also talked about friendship. As I have stated here before, I dont believe in true friendship between man and woman. It can only happen if one of them is gay or either they already had a history together and the breakup has been peaceful, meaning that they both equally agree that this wasnt working. And on cases where theres no sexual attraction what so ever(believe it or not, you just dont have it with some people and thats it). On all the other cases when you think that you can be friends with opposite sex, FORGET IT. Its not going to work. Believe me, I know what Im talking about. And about myself, all my male friends fall under those categories I just stated. On other cases, theres always an attraction and possibilities for friendship to develope into something else. So people should not give eachother crap about how they just want to find new friends from opposite sex. This is way too slippery way, believe me :D
P.S. my sis told me yesterday that people who see dreams in colour (not retro black and white:P) are creative and emotional people. What do you think dear Void?
And I also talked about friendship. As I have stated here before, I dont believe in true friendship between man and woman. It can only happen if one of them is gay or either they already had a history together and the breakup has been peaceful, meaning that they both equally agree that this wasnt working. And on cases where theres no sexual attraction what so ever(believe it or not, you just dont have it with some people and thats it). On all the other cases when you think that you can be friends with opposite sex, FORGET IT. Its not going to work. Believe me, I know what Im talking about. And about myself, all my male friends fall under those categories I just stated. On other cases, theres always an attraction and possibilities for friendship to develope into something else. So people should not give eachother crap about how they just want to find new friends from opposite sex. This is way too slippery way, believe me :D
P.S. my sis told me yesterday that people who see dreams in colour (not retro black and white:P) are creative and emotional people. What do you think dear Void?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Looking over the fence...
Today is mothersday here and once again I feel bloated of all the food and everything.
Yes, Im looking over the fence to my neighbours yard. Just a figure of speech, you all know it. The grass is always greener in your neighbours yard. I used to say it all the time. Now I keep doing it myself and I cant seem to get rid of that.
He asked me today that what do I want him to do for things to go better. And I honestly answered that I dont know. I dont have a clue. First of all, I dont know for sure whats wrong with me in the first place. Maybe theres just too much going on in my life at the moment that its better to wait til I actually manage to finish some things and then I see if I start to see the bigger picture. Lets hope I will.
Good night to you, my dear Void.
Yes, Im looking over the fence to my neighbours yard. Just a figure of speech, you all know it. The grass is always greener in your neighbours yard. I used to say it all the time. Now I keep doing it myself and I cant seem to get rid of that.
He asked me today that what do I want him to do for things to go better. And I honestly answered that I dont know. I dont have a clue. First of all, I dont know for sure whats wrong with me in the first place. Maybe theres just too much going on in my life at the moment that its better to wait til I actually manage to finish some things and then I see if I start to see the bigger picture. Lets hope I will.
Good night to you, my dear Void.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Big Owner.
I like to own people. I know it sounds pretty bad. Maybe its my way to feel secure around people. When Im said to be special, I like those people to act up to their words. And when they dont, Im not going to take them as seriously as I would if things were other way round.
Maybe its stupid. I know that I have no right what so ever to feel like that towards some people. I cant own them. But I guess this owning feeling makes me feel safe that I wouldnt get stabbed in a back.
When did I became so fragile and so unstabile? Im just too darn afraid to put myself on the line again. I hope this change in me is not for good. Because I, for all the people should know how important is personal freedom. I need plenty of that myself (of course not when I decide to give myself and my freedom away for someone). I need my wings, so why I want the people who are close to me hand me theirs? Because Im a loony and allergic to lies, I need no shit from nobody, so sue me!
Maybe its stupid. I know that I have no right what so ever to feel like that towards some people. I cant own them. But I guess this owning feeling makes me feel safe that I wouldnt get stabbed in a back.
When did I became so fragile and so unstabile? Im just too darn afraid to put myself on the line again. I hope this change in me is not for good. Because I, for all the people should know how important is personal freedom. I need plenty of that myself (of course not when I decide to give myself and my freedom away for someone). I need my wings, so why I want the people who are close to me hand me theirs? Because Im a loony and allergic to lies, I need no shit from nobody, so sue me!
Friday, May 8, 2009
May and philosopy
I have just come home from the Mothersday parties I had at work today. They were absolutely awesome :) in one play I had to be the big bad wolf. Those who know me, you can decide wether I suit to be that, but well..
I started to think about friendship today. I dont even know where to start unrolling the thread of my mind. I know that there are people who all the time are searching for new people and new friends. Im not like that. I love my existing friends. I have some friends, who I have had for years and time is what makes the relationship strong. But some people keep anxiously looking for someone or something new. I dont know if they really know themselves what that something or who that someone is. And those people may say that they care for you and they love you but you see them constantly looking for more, something they probably cant explaine themselves. But how thats supposed to look in my eyes? It makes me feel that Im not all that that I thought I was. And that keeps cracking the trust I have for those people. And what comes to relations..I dont like when the candle is being burnt from the both ends.
I like my pilosophy on having people around me. I accept what life brings me. If life and God has decided to send someone my way, it means theres a purpose for all this. I believe that we all have our purpose in life, a mission. We have that purpose about our own life and we also serve a purpose in other peoples lives. Sometimes serving that purpose is short-term, sometimes its lifelong. But we never know. So I accept all those people who are sent into my life as friends and also as enemies. They all have a purpose. And thats why I dont spend my time deliberately looking for people to be in my life. If they happen to come, then thats how its ment to be.
What do you think dear Void?
I started to think about friendship today. I dont even know where to start unrolling the thread of my mind. I know that there are people who all the time are searching for new people and new friends. Im not like that. I love my existing friends. I have some friends, who I have had for years and time is what makes the relationship strong. But some people keep anxiously looking for someone or something new. I dont know if they really know themselves what that something or who that someone is. And those people may say that they care for you and they love you but you see them constantly looking for more, something they probably cant explaine themselves. But how thats supposed to look in my eyes? It makes me feel that Im not all that that I thought I was. And that keeps cracking the trust I have for those people. And what comes to relations..I dont like when the candle is being burnt from the both ends.
I like my pilosophy on having people around me. I accept what life brings me. If life and God has decided to send someone my way, it means theres a purpose for all this. I believe that we all have our purpose in life, a mission. We have that purpose about our own life and we also serve a purpose in other peoples lives. Sometimes serving that purpose is short-term, sometimes its lifelong. But we never know. So I accept all those people who are sent into my life as friends and also as enemies. They all have a purpose. And thats why I dont spend my time deliberately looking for people to be in my life. If they happen to come, then thats how its ment to be.
What do you think dear Void?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
What do I really want??
So here I am. I havent written anything over a month. Maybe I needed this break. Its either things are getting better and more stabile or am I just getting more numb so I just dont give a shit whats happening. Your pick. I cant make that pick, I just dont know. Maybe I dont want to choose now. I prefer to let things go as they go. It happens like this anyways, why push it.
I dont know, am I still after all this being too trusting?? I dont know. One friend said to me that I have to stop taking people as myself. Meaning that I cant judge people according to the standards I set for myself. Like the fact that I dont lie and Im being honest doesnt make the rest of the people honest aswell. I keep forgetting that sometimes. I'd like to be like a blue-eyed kid, walk around with my heart wide open and meet people and see that the world is really a great place to be and the people are worth trusting and relaying on. And its severly disappointing that its not like this. Not even close. World is going to...hell maybe. And I dont know who I can trust. I need friends..but how can i actually get them when I dont know who to trust?? Dilemma here once again. Do I just have to take my chance and be prepared to be kicked down??
Today is my moms birthday. Happy 46st birthday to her. I love her to bits. And tomorrow is the birthday of one of my old friends who lives in the states. He doesnt talk to me anymore, maybe its easier like that...who knows....
I dont know, am I still after all this being too trusting?? I dont know. One friend said to me that I have to stop taking people as myself. Meaning that I cant judge people according to the standards I set for myself. Like the fact that I dont lie and Im being honest doesnt make the rest of the people honest aswell. I keep forgetting that sometimes. I'd like to be like a blue-eyed kid, walk around with my heart wide open and meet people and see that the world is really a great place to be and the people are worth trusting and relaying on. And its severly disappointing that its not like this. Not even close. World is going to...hell maybe. And I dont know who I can trust. I need friends..but how can i actually get them when I dont know who to trust?? Dilemma here once again. Do I just have to take my chance and be prepared to be kicked down??
Today is my moms birthday. Happy 46st birthday to her. I love her to bits. And tomorrow is the birthday of one of my old friends who lives in the states. He doesnt talk to me anymore, maybe its easier like that...who knows....
Friday, March 6, 2009
Compulsive whatever...
Today, over a long time, its really spring-like weather. That, if nothing else should make me happy. No.
Tell me, Void, how on earth should I ever get over it?? Over the fact that She is still in the picture. Not in Our picture, but still in our world, because she is working with him. And nowadays quite often, as I found out. I believe that there is nothing happening behind my back anymore. BUT I dont want to give her any change what so ever to do anything. I want her totally out of our life. But that is impossible at the moment, because I cant say that hey, leave your job. And the same thing to my husband. Its hard to find a job anyways even for a person who speaks the language. So I dont think He would find any other job. But I hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate that they work together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I even see or hear her name first reaction is that I feel paralyzed, then I feel sick in my stomach and then I just want to kick her face in. She ruined 4 months of my life and I can never get them back...Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that He is innocent here, but I can handle Him. But I have no idea what goes on in her head, maybe she is making up some strategy as we speak how to get him back...or whatever...
Sometimes I just feel like Im falling apart. I look in the mirror in the morning and I didnt see the beautiful woman I thought I was. I saw a wreck. A woman who is still not good enough. Not beautiful enough, not thin enough. That starts to sound like some eating disorder. And you know, I constantly want to eat. If I didnt control myself, I would. I would push the frigde into my room and then just shove food into my mouth. I know that its just my brain that tells me to do so. Like I would get some comfort out of it. I know I wont get any of that. Food is not that powerful. If I would do what my brain tells me, I would just end up more miserable than I already am. And more pathetic.
Maybe I should seek professional help...what do you think??
Oh, and I almost forgot. I got a job. Real one. Im now a music teacher in a kindergarten. Hooray for me.
Tell me, Void, how on earth should I ever get over it?? Over the fact that She is still in the picture. Not in Our picture, but still in our world, because she is working with him. And nowadays quite often, as I found out. I believe that there is nothing happening behind my back anymore. BUT I dont want to give her any change what so ever to do anything. I want her totally out of our life. But that is impossible at the moment, because I cant say that hey, leave your job. And the same thing to my husband. Its hard to find a job anyways even for a person who speaks the language. So I dont think He would find any other job. But I hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate that they work together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I even see or hear her name first reaction is that I feel paralyzed, then I feel sick in my stomach and then I just want to kick her face in. She ruined 4 months of my life and I can never get them back...Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that He is innocent here, but I can handle Him. But I have no idea what goes on in her head, maybe she is making up some strategy as we speak how to get him back...or whatever...
Sometimes I just feel like Im falling apart. I look in the mirror in the morning and I didnt see the beautiful woman I thought I was. I saw a wreck. A woman who is still not good enough. Not beautiful enough, not thin enough. That starts to sound like some eating disorder. And you know, I constantly want to eat. If I didnt control myself, I would. I would push the frigde into my room and then just shove food into my mouth. I know that its just my brain that tells me to do so. Like I would get some comfort out of it. I know I wont get any of that. Food is not that powerful. If I would do what my brain tells me, I would just end up more miserable than I already am. And more pathetic.
Maybe I should seek professional help...what do you think??
Oh, and I almost forgot. I got a job. Real one. Im now a music teacher in a kindergarten. Hooray for me.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Busy life..
Life is busy at the moment. But that is not exactly the reason I havent written here for a long time. Yes, things have gone way better but there are still battles to fight. Mostly inside myself. Sometimes I feel that theres something so much bigger inside me that I just dont manage to fight. Something that threatens to suffocate me from time to time unless I dont stand up to it. And even so I feel powerless. Though I try to become stronger. I wish there was that kind of magic potion with the label "STRENGHT" on my shelf. I would keep it with me 24/7 just in case.
One day I was thinking (well, dont get me that I normally dont think) and I started wondering wether the people who knew me years ago would even recognize me, I dont even mean the outside, more like from inside. Because I feel that I have changed at lot. And it all hasnt been free-willed. I feel that I have become someone I dont want to be. I dont feel this towards all of me, but just some sides that I have discovered, and what now bother me.
I was talking with Him the other day about changing. And I said that you cant blame it all on the crappy childhood. Everybody has had bad things in their previous life, but you cant put all the blame of your present actions on those bad experiences and bad influences. I know that people CAN change. I have done it myself in my recent years. I understand that you cant maybe change the basics of your character, but you can surely do some modifying. So theres really no need to come and tell me that: Hey, thats just how I am, I cant change my self. Because I know that this is all bunch of BS and people just say it because they are too lazy to figure themselves out and work on getting better.
And here are 2 poems that I really like, NOT my own, I must say. I wish I could write like this...
ja ma ei lahku kuni seda palud
on võlutud mu jaoks see tühi rand
teeb ikka imelikult palju valu
kõik mida ükskord oled armastand
puud laotusesse tõusevad kui oiged
kus pilveõite lõppematu ränd
teeb ikka imelikult palju haiget
kõik mida on su hingus puudutand
kõik mida puudutanud on su hingus
on saanud mulle pühitsetud maaks
su igatsusi minu sisse imbus
ja ma ei lahku isegi kui saaks
---------------------------------
Ma ootasin sind sellel külmal päeval.
Ma tean, et sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea:
ma ootasin sind. Sellel külmal päeval.
Ei, vabandama tõesti sa ei pea.
Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljspool meid endid
ma teadsin, sa ei tule nagunii.
Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid.
(Doris Kareva)
One day I was thinking (well, dont get me that I normally dont think) and I started wondering wether the people who knew me years ago would even recognize me, I dont even mean the outside, more like from inside. Because I feel that I have changed at lot. And it all hasnt been free-willed. I feel that I have become someone I dont want to be. I dont feel this towards all of me, but just some sides that I have discovered, and what now bother me.
I was talking with Him the other day about changing. And I said that you cant blame it all on the crappy childhood. Everybody has had bad things in their previous life, but you cant put all the blame of your present actions on those bad experiences and bad influences. I know that people CAN change. I have done it myself in my recent years. I understand that you cant maybe change the basics of your character, but you can surely do some modifying. So theres really no need to come and tell me that: Hey, thats just how I am, I cant change my self. Because I know that this is all bunch of BS and people just say it because they are too lazy to figure themselves out and work on getting better.
And here are 2 poems that I really like, NOT my own, I must say. I wish I could write like this...
ja ma ei lahku kuni seda palud
on võlutud mu jaoks see tühi rand
teeb ikka imelikult palju valu
kõik mida ükskord oled armastand
puud laotusesse tõusevad kui oiged
kus pilveõite lõppematu ränd
teeb ikka imelikult palju haiget
kõik mida on su hingus puudutand
kõik mida puudutanud on su hingus
on saanud mulle pühitsetud maaks
su igatsusi minu sisse imbus
ja ma ei lahku isegi kui saaks
---------------------------------
Ma ootasin sind sellel külmal päeval.
Ma tean, et sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea:
ma ootasin sind. Sellel külmal päeval.
Ei, vabandama tõesti sa ei pea.
Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljspool meid endid
ma teadsin, sa ei tule nagunii.
Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid.
(Doris Kareva)
Friday, February 20, 2009
Võta pikksilm, vaata pikisilmi
ja siis tunned kahanemas kuid.
Siis on aega, siis on valgeid pilvi,
musti kleite, pärgi lilletuid.
Kui ka lähed, kanna oma kõrgust
ligi maad ja varja kehaga.
Vikat kaasas, nii ta tuleb põrgust
ja su kokku riisub rehaga.
Ära nuta, naera hambad paljaks.
Küll su huuled mind veel puutuvad.
Kuid mu nali, see jääb ikka haljaks,
kui ka silmad koopaiks muutuvad.
ja siis tunned kahanemas kuid.
Siis on aega, siis on valgeid pilvi,
musti kleite, pärgi lilletuid.
Kui ka lähed, kanna oma kõrgust
ligi maad ja varja kehaga.
Vikat kaasas, nii ta tuleb põrgust
ja su kokku riisub rehaga.
Ära nuta, naera hambad paljaks.
Küll su huuled mind veel puutuvad.
Kuid mu nali, see jääb ikka haljaks,
kui ka silmad koopaiks muutuvad.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Long time no see..
Its been a while since I wrote here. I took my time to think about certain things. I can truly say now that I have made peace with myself. Finally. I have thought so much. Mostly about what I want to do with my life. Well. In a way I have thought about what I definately dont want to do with my life. I dont want to suffer anymore. I want to be happy and I know that I deserve to be happy.
And about me and Him. Things are pretty stabile here nowadays. No talk or discussion about her. He doesnt seem to have any kind of feelings for her. I dont want to open a champange just yet. I rather be careful. And Im still paranoid. Although we get along muchmuch better than we used to and we are talking a lot more.
And He is thinking about taking time off. Im afraid that He will start partying then. I already saw some pictures where He was drunk and He was hoochi-dancing with one of his colleagues. I dont appreciate that. It seems that the time with his "friends" is the time He feels single again and He doesnt think about me. I dont know. Im scared in a way about my numbness. Im scared that I stop feeling things, that I become ...totally numb about everything.
I just say that lets live one day at a time, altough its hard for me, because Im a planner. But I have to do that, if I dont want to go totally crazy..
And about me and Him. Things are pretty stabile here nowadays. No talk or discussion about her. He doesnt seem to have any kind of feelings for her. I dont want to open a champange just yet. I rather be careful. And Im still paranoid. Although we get along muchmuch better than we used to and we are talking a lot more.
And He is thinking about taking time off. Im afraid that He will start partying then. I already saw some pictures where He was drunk and He was hoochi-dancing with one of his colleagues. I dont appreciate that. It seems that the time with his "friends" is the time He feels single again and He doesnt think about me. I dont know. Im scared in a way about my numbness. Im scared that I stop feeling things, that I become ...totally numb about everything.
I just say that lets live one day at a time, altough its hard for me, because Im a planner. But I have to do that, if I dont want to go totally crazy..
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
2 years already..
Yesterday 2 years ago I saw my husband for the very first time. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Limerick in February. And the weather was as clear and sunny as it is now. Good old times that may never return. Surely they are not going to return, because times are different and we are different aswell. But I have to be honest, even though it means me being stuck in the past, I really miss those times. Times where We didnt have a care in the world. Just Us.
Tomorrow He is working with Her. All day. I really have to find me something to do so I wouldnt sit at home and think about them all the time. He says that He doesnt give a damn about her anymore, but I dont know if his attitude is going to be like that too when He sees Her at work. Because its not possible to work together when you are not talking and communicating at all. Im worried. Who wouldnt be worried in that situation? Because I still feel She has much power over him. And I want to break it. All I want is that He could finally stand up to these manipulations and think himself. Think what he wants and what matters for him in life and how He pictures his life to be.
So tomorrow is going to be an ultimate test for him (in a way a test for me too on how calm can I keep myself for 10 hours. And as you know me, Im not the most patient person in the world) and tomorrow evening when He comes home, I will find out how he managed and how the situation is...
Tomorrow He is working with Her. All day. I really have to find me something to do so I wouldnt sit at home and think about them all the time. He says that He doesnt give a damn about her anymore, but I dont know if his attitude is going to be like that too when He sees Her at work. Because its not possible to work together when you are not talking and communicating at all. Im worried. Who wouldnt be worried in that situation? Because I still feel She has much power over him. And I want to break it. All I want is that He could finally stand up to these manipulations and think himself. Think what he wants and what matters for him in life and how He pictures his life to be.
So tomorrow is going to be an ultimate test for him (in a way a test for me too on how calm can I keep myself for 10 hours. And as you know me, Im not the most patient person in the world) and tomorrow evening when He comes home, I will find out how he managed and how the situation is...
Monday, February 2, 2009
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
This sentence is actually simple and logical. But in some strange way it gives me confidence and optimism. I was walking in the city today, doing my things, while I suddenly thought about this. And its so true. Its like, every day you start the rest of your life. And its up to you how you want to see it and what you want to make out of it.
And today I dont want to talk about Him or about Her. Today I want to talk about ME. I felt something today that I havent felt for quite a while. I felt free. And I felt beautiful. You know the feeling when you exhale? The calm feeling you get. Thats how I was suddenly feeling, I felt acceptance with life. No matter what it may bring me, I felt that I can accept it. I was walking, cold wind brushing my cheeks (I love to feel the winter wind on my face and I always smell the wind to see if I can get the hint of spring out of it, but its far to early for that) and winter sun shining on me and over a long time I felt truly happy. Happy with myself.
Its weird how I seek one thing from others. I know that I look good and that Im beautiful. But I honestly tell you, that I started to feel like this recently. I have done a big transformation during the past couple of years, I feel like Im turning into a butterfly and Im coming out of my cocoon. And I really enjoy when people tell me that Im beautiful. Its not easy to explaine...well I try. The other night some strangers added me as their contacs in skype. I didnt know who they were so I had few words with them. And even though they were probably men, who had certain intentions towards me, I enjoyed when they said that my picture on my profile looked very beautiful. I have no intetions to go any further with my online talkings than just hello and bye, but I enjoyed those compliments. Like I feel that I need all the compliments now that I didnt get all those years when I didnt feel beautiful.....I dont know if it makes any sense...
And today I dont want to talk about Him or about Her. Today I want to talk about ME. I felt something today that I havent felt for quite a while. I felt free. And I felt beautiful. You know the feeling when you exhale? The calm feeling you get. Thats how I was suddenly feeling, I felt acceptance with life. No matter what it may bring me, I felt that I can accept it. I was walking, cold wind brushing my cheeks (I love to feel the winter wind on my face and I always smell the wind to see if I can get the hint of spring out of it, but its far to early for that) and winter sun shining on me and over a long time I felt truly happy. Happy with myself.
Its weird how I seek one thing from others. I know that I look good and that Im beautiful. But I honestly tell you, that I started to feel like this recently. I have done a big transformation during the past couple of years, I feel like Im turning into a butterfly and Im coming out of my cocoon. And I really enjoy when people tell me that Im beautiful. Its not easy to explaine...well I try. The other night some strangers added me as their contacs in skype. I didnt know who they were so I had few words with them. And even though they were probably men, who had certain intentions towards me, I enjoyed when they said that my picture on my profile looked very beautiful. I have no intetions to go any further with my online talkings than just hello and bye, but I enjoyed those compliments. Like I feel that I need all the compliments now that I didnt get all those years when I didnt feel beautiful.....I dont know if it makes any sense...
Friday, January 30, 2009
manipulations....
I couldnt believe how manipulative people can be. And She is the mistress of manipulations. How she pretends to be my friend and then stabbes me in my back. Yesterday when I was at her place, I was all shaken from this all, I really was. And aready then I found it weird that she didnt seem to be sad at all, and she even said that she hasnt shed a single tear because of it all. While I had cried an ocean.
I just wonder how could I make my husband see that this woman is just manipulating with both of us and wants to destroy our marriage. I wonder if its all just a game for her? Maybe when He divorces me, she says: that was much fun for me, bye. Then what? Then its too late to fix anything anymore.
I just want my husband to finally open his eyes and see what a 4-faced, manipulative, lying bitch she is and then make his conclusion.
Ohh....sometimes I just wish that someone killed me.
I just wonder how could I make my husband see that this woman is just manipulating with both of us and wants to destroy our marriage. I wonder if its all just a game for her? Maybe when He divorces me, she says: that was much fun for me, bye. Then what? Then its too late to fix anything anymore.
I just want my husband to finally open his eyes and see what a 4-faced, manipulative, lying bitch she is and then make his conclusion.
Ohh....sometimes I just wish that someone killed me.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Silence
I dont know what to think. You know the decision that my husband has to make. He has to choose between ME - wife, known more than 2 years, knows me, I love him, our families are bonded and etc. and theres HER - known for 4 months, isnt sure about her feelings, doesnt like her attitude, doesnt know her, isnt sure about his feelings about her, isnt sure about their future and so on.
Thats exactly the choice he has to make. You might say that its pretty obvious who is He going to pick. Im not sure about anything. I asked him that do you think there is a future for you and her even if you get rid of me by divorce? Because he has to leave the country when he divorces me and go back home to Pakistan. I asked him that is He sure that She will follow him to Pakistan? He said that no, he is not sure. If I was in that situation, I wouldnt think twice. I wouldnt in a world lay my marriage on a line for something 50/50 situation. There is no win-win situation here. He has to think about gain and loss from both sides. Is he going to gain more than hes going to lose when he leaves me? I think he will lose more than there is to gain.
I had a long conversation in msn with her yesterday where She said that She can find another man and fall in love again after being sad for a while, but I cant walk away that easily.... She sounds sincere when I talk with her, we are both women and we think alike. But I cant fully trust her, because her mind is like a wind, it can change in a minute, She has shown it to me and Him on so many occasions...I just dont know...
And I know that I can go on and on with my ranting (although Im not angry or anything) but Im just too tired of this all. I wish He would end it soon, no matter what.
And one very good news, My Buddy Butch contacted me yesterday and I called on that number again and he answered :) and we talked almost 45 minutes, I would have talked more, but I had a piano lesson coming on with one little boy. It really felt soooo good to talk with him, like good old times....and I hope that I get to talk with him really soon again.. I wonder when is his next day off...??
Thats exactly the choice he has to make. You might say that its pretty obvious who is He going to pick. Im not sure about anything. I asked him that do you think there is a future for you and her even if you get rid of me by divorce? Because he has to leave the country when he divorces me and go back home to Pakistan. I asked him that is He sure that She will follow him to Pakistan? He said that no, he is not sure. If I was in that situation, I wouldnt think twice. I wouldnt in a world lay my marriage on a line for something 50/50 situation. There is no win-win situation here. He has to think about gain and loss from both sides. Is he going to gain more than hes going to lose when he leaves me? I think he will lose more than there is to gain.
I had a long conversation in msn with her yesterday where She said that She can find another man and fall in love again after being sad for a while, but I cant walk away that easily.... She sounds sincere when I talk with her, we are both women and we think alike. But I cant fully trust her, because her mind is like a wind, it can change in a minute, She has shown it to me and Him on so many occasions...I just dont know...
And I know that I can go on and on with my ranting (although Im not angry or anything) but Im just too tired of this all. I wish He would end it soon, no matter what.
And one very good news, My Buddy Butch contacted me yesterday and I called on that number again and he answered :) and we talked almost 45 minutes, I would have talked more, but I had a piano lesson coming on with one little boy. It really felt soooo good to talk with him, like good old times....and I hope that I get to talk with him really soon again.. I wonder when is his next day off...??
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Waiting again...
Im waiting again. This time Im waiting for Him to find himself and find out what he wants from life. Is it going to be me or her. And as I have previously stated here on this blog, I absolutely hate waiting.
I understand that he needs to take some time off from work and not see me or her. Well, this is going to be difficult because they work together.
I just dont know what to think. I wonder what has bigger value in his eyes, 1, 5 months with her or 2 years of being together and married with me. I really dont know. We talked about things last evening and He said that he doesnt want to let either of us go. But He cant keep us both. He has to make a choice for good. I said him that in life, maybe thats the first really tough decision that you have to make but life is full of them and you cant keep running away from them. And life is all about making compromises. You just cant have it all. He was really sad yesterday. You might not believe it, but I understand him, that he has feelings for both of us.
I just told him that think ahead. Think about the future, not just about the present moment. And to think through all the aspects before you make your final decision.
I understand that he needs to take some time off from work and not see me or her. Well, this is going to be difficult because they work together.
I just dont know what to think. I wonder what has bigger value in his eyes, 1, 5 months with her or 2 years of being together and married with me. I really dont know. We talked about things last evening and He said that he doesnt want to let either of us go. But He cant keep us both. He has to make a choice for good. I said him that in life, maybe thats the first really tough decision that you have to make but life is full of them and you cant keep running away from them. And life is all about making compromises. You just cant have it all. He was really sad yesterday. You might not believe it, but I understand him, that he has feelings for both of us.
I just told him that think ahead. Think about the future, not just about the present moment. And to think through all the aspects before you make your final decision.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Is this the end..?
Dear Void...Im totally broken now...and I have the feeling that this is the end of my life and my marriage. You know, I have told you that he has lied to me too much. Well, last night he was totally honest with me. And that broke me. I could do nothing else but cry. I havent cried that much in my life before.
And I cant do anything to fix my marriage. Thats so hard for me. That I just sit here and do nothing and watch everything fall apart. And what comes to lying, He should have come to me and tell me the truth what he was going through months ago, not now. Now He has already created a snowball effect. Like everything, the truth comes like a bigbig heap of snow and buries me.
And you know. I would like to tell him. You know, maybe we got married too soon. But thats where we are now. You are married and start acting like married man. Sometimes in life you cant do as you feel. You have to do what is right. I know that he loved me very much when he married me. I know that. But he has changed so much since we moved here. And I believe it was a grave mistake to move here. He is not the same man I married. The environment here and people here (coz all of his friends are single) have changed him. He wants to act like a single man. He doesnt want to be married, he is not ready to committ.
And He has given the love for me to Her, because she is new and interesting and...I have to be honest...all they are having is exactly how things were with me and Him in the beginning.
But sometimes you just have to do the right thing. You are married, live with it. We can fix things eventually, I believe that. Because he still loves me in a way. He just needs to accept that he is married. Because marriage is not something you throw away when you dont feel like being married anymore. Be a grown up and accept the facts. But maybe he is not grown up enough yet...
And I cant do anything to fix my marriage. Thats so hard for me. That I just sit here and do nothing and watch everything fall apart. And what comes to lying, He should have come to me and tell me the truth what he was going through months ago, not now. Now He has already created a snowball effect. Like everything, the truth comes like a bigbig heap of snow and buries me.
And you know. I would like to tell him. You know, maybe we got married too soon. But thats where we are now. You are married and start acting like married man. Sometimes in life you cant do as you feel. You have to do what is right. I know that he loved me very much when he married me. I know that. But he has changed so much since we moved here. And I believe it was a grave mistake to move here. He is not the same man I married. The environment here and people here (coz all of his friends are single) have changed him. He wants to act like a single man. He doesnt want to be married, he is not ready to committ.
And He has given the love for me to Her, because she is new and interesting and...I have to be honest...all they are having is exactly how things were with me and Him in the beginning.
But sometimes you just have to do the right thing. You are married, live with it. We can fix things eventually, I believe that. Because he still loves me in a way. He just needs to accept that he is married. Because marriage is not something you throw away when you dont feel like being married anymore. Be a grown up and accept the facts. But maybe he is not grown up enough yet...
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Evilllll....
Like how evil can people be??
Yeahh...Im talking about Him, alright. You know, dear Void, what I discovered today. Well the story is abit longer than I can say in few words, but here it goes. I used to have a veryvery good friend in US and we talked like 2 years. But when I moved to Ireland, then we kinda lost contact. And now I wanted to find him again and just to have few words because I saw him in my dream the other night. The case is that my friend used to live in Brooklyn, NY but moved to small town in MA and I didnt know anything about his presence living place. So I did research in internet and I got one address and a phone number that may be his. Supposedly they are. I didnt dare to call the first day. I dont know why I got nervous about this....anyways..I got myself together today that now I feel like calling him, since I have the number and everything in my mobile phone.
BUT
Yesterday He asked to borrow my phone when He went out and today when I was about to call my friend in US .....the number was gone from my phone.... HE had gone throught my things in the mobile and deleted all...his address and number and everything....and today when I found out, I was like WHATTA F####!!!
Really...what was that for??
But luckily...I searched for the number again...and I have called on that number..but noone has picked it up. But I keep calling til someone picks it up, then I would know if it is his number at all or not.
Yeahh...Im talking about Him, alright. You know, dear Void, what I discovered today. Well the story is abit longer than I can say in few words, but here it goes. I used to have a veryvery good friend in US and we talked like 2 years. But when I moved to Ireland, then we kinda lost contact. And now I wanted to find him again and just to have few words because I saw him in my dream the other night. The case is that my friend used to live in Brooklyn, NY but moved to small town in MA and I didnt know anything about his presence living place. So I did research in internet and I got one address and a phone number that may be his. Supposedly they are. I didnt dare to call the first day. I dont know why I got nervous about this....anyways..I got myself together today that now I feel like calling him, since I have the number and everything in my mobile phone.
BUT
Yesterday He asked to borrow my phone when He went out and today when I was about to call my friend in US .....the number was gone from my phone.... HE had gone throught my things in the mobile and deleted all...his address and number and everything....and today when I found out, I was like WHATTA F####!!!
Really...what was that for??
But luckily...I searched for the number again...and I have called on that number..but noone has picked it up. But I keep calling til someone picks it up, then I would know if it is his number at all or not.
Mistake
I made a mistake. And Im not afraid to admit it. I should have had more trust in him than I did. But still, I believe that I had a valid reason for doing what I did, although I regret it now. You know the feeling of something taking over you and you cant think straight.
Im glad that things were not as I thought they were. I was already about to think that nothing has changed. I really should think more about my relationship and what he needs and what I need.
I understand his point that he needs his own space too. I totally understand and I agree. But that doesnt justify his lying to me. If theres one thing I truly hate, its lying and concealing the truth. Some people say that concealing is not lying, but I believe it is. Because its still not telling the truth. He said that he had a good reason for lying to me. Theres never a reason good enough to justify lying to the person you love.
I should start going out more often, getting my own space. I figured that since he is working long hours and he considers his colleagues as his friends, thats also getting space and time away from me. But as it comes out now, He needs his space and when Im there, its not relaxing and he cant unwind. But in that case, he better choose good ways of relaxing, not the ones he has chosen so far....
Im glad that things were not as I thought they were. I was already about to think that nothing has changed. I really should think more about my relationship and what he needs and what I need.
I understand his point that he needs his own space too. I totally understand and I agree. But that doesnt justify his lying to me. If theres one thing I truly hate, its lying and concealing the truth. Some people say that concealing is not lying, but I believe it is. Because its still not telling the truth. He said that he had a good reason for lying to me. Theres never a reason good enough to justify lying to the person you love.
I should start going out more often, getting my own space. I figured that since he is working long hours and he considers his colleagues as his friends, thats also getting space and time away from me. But as it comes out now, He needs his space and when Im there, its not relaxing and he cant unwind. But in that case, he better choose good ways of relaxing, not the ones he has chosen so far....
Friday, January 23, 2009
Whats going on with me??
I really dont know how its possible that all my trust and self-confidence can shatter in a moment. Small things can break it and Im back being the stupid, suspecting and pathetic me.
I need to be loved. I need to be shown that Im loved. I need it so badly...I dont know what should I do with myself....I just feel down and tired of the feeling that I need to deserve that love. I know I deserve to be loved.
I miss company, I miss talking and actually sharing my life with someone...I wih things could go back as they were...but if it goes, it takes time before things could be the same...
I have some free time in the coming few weeks. I feel like I need to do something, to break free from this still-life...but I dont know how...
I need to be loved. I need to be shown that Im loved. I need it so badly...I dont know what should I do with myself....I just feel down and tired of the feeling that I need to deserve that love. I know I deserve to be loved.
I miss company, I miss talking and actually sharing my life with someone...I wih things could go back as they were...but if it goes, it takes time before things could be the same...
I have some free time in the coming few weeks. I feel like I need to do something, to break free from this still-life...but I dont know how...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
When the going gets tough, the Tough get going!
Its been a while since I wrote here. But now I really have more time for that. I have finished my exam-session for this semester and I must say I got pretty good grades for my exams. Now I have around 2 weeks until my very last semester in university starts.
To be honest, I cant wait to finish school, to finally graduate. I want to feel the same surge of freedom I felt last time, when I took an academic break in the year 2007. I yearn to feel the same freedom again, like you suddenly grow wings and you take the sky....leaving all the heavy burden behind.
They say that when going gets tough, the Tough get going. Maybe it would be the smart thing to do. Maybe only foolish people stay and run headfirst into the problem-battle. Smart ones sit behind the corner, working on a strategy.... so they could come and defeat all their problems at once. I want to get smart.
I recently got together with one of my old friends. He is really Something. We havent seen eachother for almost like 4 years and now we just got in contact and I went to visit him. He is still the same person, although changed, for older and wiser version. And I have changed too, of course. Some people might find him in a way intimidating, but I know better inside. He just knows how to listen, I mean really listen. Not like normally men could be. They make the "Im listening" face and instead they are thinking about ..I dont know...Beer :D
I consider myself lucky to have a friend like him. Its just what I needed in this time-period.
To be honest, I cant wait to finish school, to finally graduate. I want to feel the same surge of freedom I felt last time, when I took an academic break in the year 2007. I yearn to feel the same freedom again, like you suddenly grow wings and you take the sky....leaving all the heavy burden behind.
They say that when going gets tough, the Tough get going. Maybe it would be the smart thing to do. Maybe only foolish people stay and run headfirst into the problem-battle. Smart ones sit behind the corner, working on a strategy.... so they could come and defeat all their problems at once. I want to get smart.
I recently got together with one of my old friends. He is really Something. We havent seen eachother for almost like 4 years and now we just got in contact and I went to visit him. He is still the same person, although changed, for older and wiser version. And I have changed too, of course. Some people might find him in a way intimidating, but I know better inside. He just knows how to listen, I mean really listen. Not like normally men could be. They make the "Im listening" face and instead they are thinking about ..I dont know...Beer :D
I consider myself lucky to have a friend like him. Its just what I needed in this time-period.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Who am I living for..?
Thats the question I have found myself thinking about recently and not just once. Who am I living for? For someone else or me? Well, to be honest, I feel that lately I have been living for someone else, for everybody else but myself. I have been so busy with trying to impress other people for the sake of my own wellbeing and safety... and to be honest Im so tired of that... But I feel that I cant stop that now, I have to carry on until I feel safe.
I know you cant make someone love you if they dont. But can you make someone love you more than they do at the moment?? I dont know what Im trying to prove here, I just cant stand the thought that the love He has for me is not that big as it used to be before. Before, the world was full of that love...and now...Im afraid to ask. I know that he loves me, but that is not really the question.
and Im being The Queen Of Paranoia lately. I feel that all the bad emotions inside are growing smaller and going more numb as days go by...I hope some day they are that numb that I cant notice and feel them inside me anymore...
And just now!! I realised one thing! The answer to the question why Im so shaken from this all!! Im so shocked and shaken and my peace of mind is gone for just one reason - I thought that the thing that happened, that this could NEVER EVER happen to me.. like...I still cant believe that it actually happened. Well I KNOW that it did...but its the fact that you read about these things all the time and think that welll, that will never happen to me, because my relationship and love and everything are so stabile and sound. BUT...when it happens...BOOOM!! all your glass-castle is shattered and you just cant believe what just happened. YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU!
And to be honest, I was like that too. And thats what hurts that I was so sure about his love and devotion so I just didnt see it coming from anywhere....
But Im growing stronger day by day.
I know you cant make someone love you if they dont. But can you make someone love you more than they do at the moment?? I dont know what Im trying to prove here, I just cant stand the thought that the love He has for me is not that big as it used to be before. Before, the world was full of that love...and now...Im afraid to ask. I know that he loves me, but that is not really the question.
and Im being The Queen Of Paranoia lately. I feel that all the bad emotions inside are growing smaller and going more numb as days go by...I hope some day they are that numb that I cant notice and feel them inside me anymore...
And just now!! I realised one thing! The answer to the question why Im so shaken from this all!! Im so shocked and shaken and my peace of mind is gone for just one reason - I thought that the thing that happened, that this could NEVER EVER happen to me.. like...I still cant believe that it actually happened. Well I KNOW that it did...but its the fact that you read about these things all the time and think that welll, that will never happen to me, because my relationship and love and everything are so stabile and sound. BUT...when it happens...BOOOM!! all your glass-castle is shattered and you just cant believe what just happened. YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU!
And to be honest, I was like that too. And thats what hurts that I was so sure about his love and devotion so I just didnt see it coming from anywhere....
But Im growing stronger day by day.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Happy!? New Year
So the new year is here. year 2009. I truly hope this year will be a new start for me and Him. Im giving my best to have the trust and I do trust him. And I love him the most in the world. I didnt know that its even possible to love someone like this.. I told him that I do trust him but I dont trust Her one bit. But I try to cope..and get over my fears. And I try to find my peace of mind that I once had. Though I have no idea where should I seek it.
I feel mentally unstabile, I dont know whats happened to me, I can burst into tears, not knowing why....
Listen to Nina Simone "For a while"..its a great song. Its not about my situation at all, but I kind of relate to it at the moment.
I feel mentally unstabile, I dont know whats happened to me, I can burst into tears, not knowing why....
Listen to Nina Simone "For a while"..its a great song. Its not about my situation at all, but I kind of relate to it at the moment.
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