I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when not feeling it. I believe in God even when He is silent.

Sun is there....I remember a song that had the line saying that above the clouds, theres always sunshine. And that can be said about life aswell. Everybody say that you have to survive through the tough times to see the sunshine again. Doesnt it sound familiar? It does. And I try my best to believe it.
But at times its very hard to believe in love when you dont feel it. Its not much help when you hear the words, stating that love...you need to feel it...not just hear. And I hear it more than I have actually seen it proven lately. And that is sad...because more than anything I need to see proof of its existance...because I have reached the state in my life where I need to be able to "touch" things to make sure they are real..
And God can never really be silent. We just need to open our ears and learn to listen, not just talk all the time. Humans are difficult creatures. They only want to receive, not give and they talk more than they listen. And the ability of listening, that is not something that comes naturally, you need to learn how to listen. And its harder than it looks at first...
Sometimes I feel that Im all alone, left without anything to hold on to. And this is not true. God is always there for me and I have got so much support and strenght from Him than you can ever imagine. I just sometimes wonder what are the right things to pray for. But during this last year of difficult time, I think I have it figured out..
Its all about this saying: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they dont, they never were.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

Thats not true. Words are more likely to hurt you that sticks and stones. Its weird, how you can recall many things that people have said to you in the past very accurately..sometimes the weirdest lines or dialogues echo in your head.
I seem to do this blogging in "waves". I do it for a while and then put it aside for months until I feel like writing again. Its not because nothing happens in my life but I just dont feel like writing sometimes and moulding my thoughts into words. Because sometimes its easier to just think. Havent you felt sometimes that when you say your thoughts out loud, they became more real?
Last time I wrote here I said that I finally have that moment what they mean in saying: What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. Yes, it does. But it also drains all energy out of your body and soul. And then you have to find a way to "recharge" yourself. Truth to be told, I havent found that way yet.
My summer vacation time is almost over. 1,5 weeks to go and then its back to work. I dont want to. Its not that I dont love what I do, but I just dont want to. I much rather just lay at home and be a vegetable. But thats not one of the options. I have to start planning my work-things soon. But I do it when my vacation-time is over. I dont think I have much to do at work until september.
My marriage is in standstill. We do get along just fine. Still apart in many ways..hoping to get some professional help soon and then we see if things can really be fixed between us. One thing that really scares me is that I have lost almost all hope in this. Im so tired of pushing it all alone that I may not be able to keep it together for much longer. I yearn for things He cannot give me. And it leaves me all emtpy and aching inside. But Im still holding on.