I have lost most of my voice and I know that it will be totally gone by the end of the day. I have almost done all of my work, straining my voice but I will manage.
Yesterday was my grandmothers big jubilee birthday party. I have always said that I am a good actor. Turns out Im not as good as I though I was. Its confusing and embarassing to hide certain things and feel as if you need to do it just to justify your actions and decisions in the past. Mistakes are mistakes and we cannot spend the rest of our lives looking back and crying over spilt milk. I know I say that now even though Im guilty of doing it myself.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tormented genius.
I dont know where to start writing. My whole life is a big I DONT KNOW right now. All things about my future and what to do with it, where to go and where to take it from here... its all a big blur and haze and I cannot make anything out of it. The crap part is that I have been forced to be in charge for so long that I dont know how to let go anymore. I know that I have to, but the thought of this letting-go moment finally arriving scares the shit out of me. The unknown future..its like opening a door to a completely pitch black room and knowing that you cannot just stay there, standing on the door, desperately clinging to the doorknob and hoping that maybe, just maybe you dont have to take that step.
And it just dawned to me that the worst is to take the first one. That would be the most scariest part. The second and the third steps will be more easier. But Im still scared as hell. Please Dear Void, send someone my way to help me out, someone to reach out their hands and pull me up and who will lend a shoulder to rest/cry on.
And it just dawned to me that the worst is to take the first one. That would be the most scariest part. The second and the third steps will be more easier. But Im still scared as hell. Please Dear Void, send someone my way to help me out, someone to reach out their hands and pull me up and who will lend a shoulder to rest/cry on.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wild-grown garden vs.Seismic activity
"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like a volcano and then subsides and when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part, because this is what love is. Love is not the breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promise of eternal passion, and it is not the desire to mate every minute or every second of the day. That is just being "in love" which any fool can do…Love itself is what's left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident...."
This is one the quotes that I came across few days ago. And its so true. Real, true love doesnt come crashing in like giant wave, knocking you off your feet. It doesnt mean that loving someone cant be exciting, you should still find something together that gives you butterflies in your stomach, but its indeed more solid foundation like the quote said about having your roots tangled together. And when I look at my present life from that angle, its pretty obvious what I have to do about certain things and situations where my roots arent tangled.
And Dear Void, I had the most weird dream last night, it was full happy and light, but one of the weirdest I have recently had. And I was sleepwalking during some part of it. I discovered that few photos were off the wall and placed neatly next to my bed.
This is one the quotes that I came across few days ago. And its so true. Real, true love doesnt come crashing in like giant wave, knocking you off your feet. It doesnt mean that loving someone cant be exciting, you should still find something together that gives you butterflies in your stomach, but its indeed more solid foundation like the quote said about having your roots tangled together. And when I look at my present life from that angle, its pretty obvious what I have to do about certain things and situations where my roots arent tangled.
And Dear Void, I had the most weird dream last night, it was full happy and light, but one of the weirdest I have recently had. And I was sleepwalking during some part of it. I discovered that few photos were off the wall and placed neatly next to my bed.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Putting all my faith on God.
Yes, Dear Void, I want to do just that. Because Im in a point in my life where I really cant do anything else. Im stuck and lost and I dont know which way should I go. God has looked out for me all this time, giving me moments to smile and laugh about, giving me times of despair to really look inside myself and reflect. But He has always had my back, been by my side, guiding me away from the biggest possible blunders. And these are all those moments that you realize later and then you can exhale of thankfulness that things indeed went like they did.
And I know, I havent been here writing for quite some time. Things have been unstabile, hitting the bottom by the end of the year and the first months of 2010. But I sincerely hope that Im gonna see some sun soon. That the spring takes all the heavyness of my soul and the burden from my heart and gives it flight. I need to clear my head of all the dark thoughts that have been gathering dust in the corners of my mind. Its like an old drawer where you hold all your old letters and papers that you take out every once in a while to read and to hurt yourself. I need to free myself from those old and hurting memories and create room for new ones. I dont exactly know how to do it or how long would it take but I have to try. There have been many changes already in my life regarding my work and my relationships with different people. Dont get me wrong, Im still married. But I just need to cast away all the people who arent worth my time and effort because I have people who keep me sane and smiling. And spring is coming...it really is coming....
And I know, I havent been here writing for quite some time. Things have been unstabile, hitting the bottom by the end of the year and the first months of 2010. But I sincerely hope that Im gonna see some sun soon. That the spring takes all the heavyness of my soul and the burden from my heart and gives it flight. I need to clear my head of all the dark thoughts that have been gathering dust in the corners of my mind. Its like an old drawer where you hold all your old letters and papers that you take out every once in a while to read and to hurt yourself. I need to free myself from those old and hurting memories and create room for new ones. I dont exactly know how to do it or how long would it take but I have to try. There have been many changes already in my life regarding my work and my relationships with different people. Dont get me wrong, Im still married. But I just need to cast away all the people who arent worth my time and effort because I have people who keep me sane and smiling. And spring is coming...it really is coming....
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