Hello my Dear Void. Its me. I havent been here talking with you for months. I have thought about it alot from time to time again, yet not making enough effort to actually come and say hello.
I dont know if I can ever say that Im fully settled down. Life is full of twists and turns. Last time we saw I told you an exciting story about moving and starting my life in happiness. Im back in the same point in my life, with some major differences though. Im sitting on the pile of my bags in a small room that I somehow have to call home. Im alone and definately not excited. Im heartbroken.
Truth to be told, and Im not scared to say it out loud, Im miserable and I cant stop the tears, I simply cant. But to all the people outside, Im the same happy-go-lucky girl. I cant remember the time when I changed into this person who is so private about her emotions, that not an inch of her pain and suffering is allowed to shine through. When I step outside Im a big pretender, acting like everything is fine but feeling my heart crumbling into pieces inside. Why did I ever allow this to happen?
Im hurting. And not because of anything I did. I feel Im getting to old for this, to start from zero again.
Im hurting.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
New day, new start.
I last posted here exactly 2 months ago. I read my last post today and I felt my thoughts to be quite scrambled and really random. I honestly didnt have much to tell you, my Dear Void, but now I do. I really do.
My life has changed alot.Truth to be told, the major changes have taken place just throughout the past week. In a nutshell - I now have a new job and a new home aswell.
Believe me, it took me a while to take it all in! Thursday was my last day at my old job in Eltham and late the same evening I moved all my things to my new home which I am sharing with my significant other. Less than 2 weeks ago I took my cv to one restaurant around this area, 2 days later I did my trial-shift and at the end of it I got hired, the next morning I gave in my notice and work and at home and here I am one week later. Its been a complete whirlwind. I still cant believe how it all turned out, not exactly how I had planned it in my head, but great nevertheless.
There has been a complete range of emotions in me, from exhilaration to sorrow. I was walking away from what is now my old workplace with card and tulips in my hand and catch in my throat. I will miss some people, but there are people I will most definately not miss. I felt one stage of my life ending and the new one beginning. Im scared but excited and happy, really happy.
My life has changed alot.Truth to be told, the major changes have taken place just throughout the past week. In a nutshell - I now have a new job and a new home aswell.
Believe me, it took me a while to take it all in! Thursday was my last day at my old job in Eltham and late the same evening I moved all my things to my new home which I am sharing with my significant other. Less than 2 weeks ago I took my cv to one restaurant around this area, 2 days later I did my trial-shift and at the end of it I got hired, the next morning I gave in my notice and work and at home and here I am one week later. Its been a complete whirlwind. I still cant believe how it all turned out, not exactly how I had planned it in my head, but great nevertheless.
There has been a complete range of emotions in me, from exhilaration to sorrow. I was walking away from what is now my old workplace with card and tulips in my hand and catch in my throat. I will miss some people, but there are people I will most definately not miss. I felt one stage of my life ending and the new one beginning. Im scared but excited and happy, really happy.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Kiss me, Im Irish!
No, my Dear Void, Im not. But I was reminded of that song yesterday when I was on the train and the man sitting opposite to me was talking on the phone and he had the most awesome irish accent. I just evesdropped and enjoyed. The song itself is here -
I just listened to this myself and it made me miss Ireland. I saw it in my dream the other night, the Emerald Island. I think about it every now and then. You know Dear Void what I miss the most? I miss the spirit of people. Maybe its all in my imagination, but I felt something special about people there. I miss that joy and the charm, that twinkle in their eyes. And of course the music. I really like irish folk music and I absolutely love their accent. Im not sure if I would understand it now since I have been away for years though people here say that every now and then it pops out in my speech. Of course not all people I encountered were nice there, but well, thats life.
And its been over a month since I wrote here, last time I was in Estonia. And believe me, I have been wanting to write here every now and then but something has stopped me. You know I have these days where I dont want to talk. I want to have a quiet time at home, do something by myself and not talk to anyone. Not even to you. So I have postponed all these things I have wanted to write here and then of course I have forgotten about them. I have seen really funny things around the town that I have wanted to share with you but now they are lost.
One thing I wanted to share with you that made me really pissed off the other day (it probably is a small thing) but working in the bar few days ago I dropped a pintglass and it shattered all over the floor and one man jumped up and cheered and clapped his hands. Where does that come from? Someone had an accident and it is somehow funny and you gloat over it? These kind of people have no manners. And yes, I judge those people on that. Full stop.
I just listened to this myself and it made me miss Ireland. I saw it in my dream the other night, the Emerald Island. I think about it every now and then. You know Dear Void what I miss the most? I miss the spirit of people. Maybe its all in my imagination, but I felt something special about people there. I miss that joy and the charm, that twinkle in their eyes. And of course the music. I really like irish folk music and I absolutely love their accent. Im not sure if I would understand it now since I have been away for years though people here say that every now and then it pops out in my speech. Of course not all people I encountered were nice there, but well, thats life.
And its been over a month since I wrote here, last time I was in Estonia. And believe me, I have been wanting to write here every now and then but something has stopped me. You know I have these days where I dont want to talk. I want to have a quiet time at home, do something by myself and not talk to anyone. Not even to you. So I have postponed all these things I have wanted to write here and then of course I have forgotten about them. I have seen really funny things around the town that I have wanted to share with you but now they are lost.
One thing I wanted to share with you that made me really pissed off the other day (it probably is a small thing) but working in the bar few days ago I dropped a pintglass and it shattered all over the floor and one man jumped up and cheered and clapped his hands. Where does that come from? Someone had an accident and it is somehow funny and you gloat over it? These kind of people have no manners. And yes, I judge those people on that. Full stop.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Home, sweet home
My Dear Void, Im home. Not exactly in mine, but my old home where my parents are. Im visiting for a week before I return to London.
I had quite surreal feeling today visiting one of my workplaces and talking to my former colleagues who were all excited to see me. I went there when it was playtime in the playgrounds outside so all the kids came to hug me with their sandy mittens. It was really a heartwarming feeling. Even the ones who were real rascals, to be honest, they were the first ones to run over to cuddle me. I also found out that they have a great new music teacher now. Im happy that it turned out to be someone nice. Tomorrow I will visit my other workplace.
You may ask that why was it a surreal feeling. It felt sort of like going back in time, like visiting my past. I knew I wasnt part of that environment anymore but still I was there. Like in a dream.
Whole trip so far feels little like this. In the Gatwick airport I felt this "lovely" estonian heartwarming attitude when someone stepped on my feet while boarding the plane and they stared back at me and said....nothing. Right away I felt so at home. Just kidding, estonians arent all rude people though thats true that we dont say sorry every step of the way like people in UK do. And to be honest, I have got used to this and I quite like it. Even though they may not really mean it but at least they acknowledge it.
I dont know what or how to write. Im excited, Im thrilled, I have many different mixed emotions. I want to meet as many of my dear friends as I can in this short week. I want to do something that I can remember when I go back because you know me, Dear Void, I will cry when its the moment to leave. Good that they wont be there at the airport to send me away, I would cry a river so they would have to shut down the airport due to flood damage. I want to remember this week.
I had quite surreal feeling today visiting one of my workplaces and talking to my former colleagues who were all excited to see me. I went there when it was playtime in the playgrounds outside so all the kids came to hug me with their sandy mittens. It was really a heartwarming feeling. Even the ones who were real rascals, to be honest, they were the first ones to run over to cuddle me. I also found out that they have a great new music teacher now. Im happy that it turned out to be someone nice. Tomorrow I will visit my other workplace.
You may ask that why was it a surreal feeling. It felt sort of like going back in time, like visiting my past. I knew I wasnt part of that environment anymore but still I was there. Like in a dream.
Whole trip so far feels little like this. In the Gatwick airport I felt this "lovely" estonian heartwarming attitude when someone stepped on my feet while boarding the plane and they stared back at me and said....nothing. Right away I felt so at home. Just kidding, estonians arent all rude people though thats true that we dont say sorry every step of the way like people in UK do. And to be honest, I have got used to this and I quite like it. Even though they may not really mean it but at least they acknowledge it.
I dont know what or how to write. Im excited, Im thrilled, I have many different mixed emotions. I want to meet as many of my dear friends as I can in this short week. I want to do something that I can remember when I go back because you know me, Dear Void, I will cry when its the moment to leave. Good that they wont be there at the airport to send me away, I would cry a river so they would have to shut down the airport due to flood damage. I want to remember this week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)