All I want for Christmas is....

To be honest my Dear Void, I was little bit afraid of the Christmas. And simply because I am alone here. Im not really ALONE but Im without my family which makes me sad and makes me feel lonely. I have been around my family every Christmas as long as I remember and this year it was completely different. But weirdly enough, the Christmas passed without sorrow and sadness ( I had a moment there when I was on a videocall with my mom and dad but that was about it). 

I was working throughout the Christmas, both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I had expected these days to be really hectic but they werent! Everything was a smooth sailing for me (almost exept when I dropped empty bowls in the diningroom full of people on Christmas Day). 

And you might wonder why I put that song here. Its because I had an early start on Christmas Day, 8am, getting the restaurant ready, moving the furniture around, putting up tables and all that and somebody put on some Christmas music and this song came on and that made me laugh. And that set me at ease and set the tone for the day.

I came back from work, sat in the bed with my nibbles and munchies, I had some camembert cheese with pears and grapes, some cake and sparkling juice. I sat here, watched Christmas Carol, feeling content and feeling peace in my heart.

Its a Christmas Miracle!

Yes my Dear Void. Miracles, as I see now, do happen! And one happened right this morning. I was still asleep, oblivious to anything around me and then it happened. I woke up, opened my computer and SHAZAM! Here it was! I got a message from my dear dear friend from years ago who just suddenly disappeared. I last heard from him over 2 years ago before he disappeared again. I hope that wont happen. Because I have missed him alot. I missed my pal and his cat Pekk. Im still a little shocked, my thoughts are all scrambled in my head but Im so happy! But I dont want to jump for joy just yet. Maybe he wont write again or maybe I will hear from him another 2 years later...

Foggy day in London town

Yes, my Dear Void, it has been really foggy the past week. I have never seen it like that. Sure I have seen fog but not so thick that I cannot even see 100 metres ahead. At night all te lights have this strange glow and fog hangs around the trees making them look little eerie. I dont really want to draw a parallel to the spooky ghost stories-movies here but rather think of these old movies that have scenes like this, like Fred Astaire coming dancing from behind the trees while fog hangs in the air and swings around the light-pole singing about his magical night with his special love.

Cant believe that its just 10 days before Christmas.  I got the news from the manager that in addition to working on Christmas Day I will also be working on Christmas Eve. So that means that I cannot have the skype broadcast with my family. In a way it makes me sad because I cannot see them on this special evening but in a way, I feel this strange relief. Because I know I would be crying here. And I dont really know how I would hide that weepiness from my family during the live broadcast. I dont know if you know it Dear Void, but my voice goes really weird when I cry and my nose turns red. Not the prettiest sight, I have to tell you. So I would be working on that evening and getting my mind off the fact that I will be alone (not all sad, lonely kind of alone, but independent kind of alone) because the year I celebrated Christmas in Ireland, I was married and not alone at all. And Im glad that they wouldnt be seeing me being sad and teary-eyed because that would make them sad. And Christmas shouldnt be sad. I want them to think that Im all ok here (which I am) and that Im happy (which I am). Just that for me, Christmas is not ment to be spent alone.

Wish all of you out there have someone to hold during holidays!

Happy birthday to ME!

Actually my birthday was yesterday but I wanted to share what happened yesterday evening when I went to work. I got to work, my big boss wished me happy birthday and when I walked in the restaurant (apparently I was little early) my supe rvisors were waiting for me with a small black forest gateau cake with a candle on top, flowers and a card. Since I was early, they couldnt light the candle in time, so I went back out and came back in and as soon as I walked through the door again, they started singing the birthday song, even though they are not the greatest singers. They had made me a drink aswell, orange juice in champagne glass. Later when the chefs in the kitchen found out that it was my birthday, they sang to me too when I stepped in the kitchen. Our new chef is a really good singer, he is tall like a mountain, towering over you when you happen to stand next to him.
I didnt expect anything of that kind to happen and it made me smile all evening. It was truly a heartwarming surprise! Thank you Chloe and Christine and everybody else!

Gift from Mother Earth

Dear Void, today is my 29th birthday. I cannot believe my quiet conversations with you began already more than 5 years ago. Time goes by so fast, doesnt it?

Actually I was still at work yesterday when the clock striked midnight and when I walked out the door, there was white frost on the ground. And I have always, since I was a child already,wished for snow to be on the ground for my birthday. And against all odds, it happened and Im happy about that.

One thing Im not happy about is that I dont have internet at home. You might ask that how am I posting this blog entry. Well, to tell the whole story: when I came here in July, my friend (who Im sadly not talking to anymore) got me the internet stick. I came home last evening and the normal internet was gone and this morning I ran downstairs to inform my flatmates that the router isnt working. And he just said that he will look at it when he comes home in the evening. I dont know why this always happens on my birthday, same thing happened a year ago when I was still living in Estonia in my little apartment.
So I will just use that internet stick, which my friend didnt cancel just for today for the birthday-purposes.

So here I am, sitting in my bed, still in my pajamas wishing me happy birthday. I miss my family the most in these moments but I try not to be sad even though I cried a little when I watched their skype video they made me. We have the tradition of singing the birthday-kid up in the morning with one specific song and they made me a video of it. And I can honestly say that being alone on your birthday sucks but what can I do. I hope the next ones will be different.

Shaken, not stirred.

Dear Void, I discovered something unsettling. The people who I share the home with and one of them is the one who I pay rent to, they also have the extra key to my room! And they have been in my room when I have been away. I feel really violated right now. This here is my home and nobody is supposed to come here without my permission. I know this place is not really mine but as long as I pay my rent, this is my home and nobody has the right to sneak in when Im not here.
I discovered it when I opened the little storage cupboard and I saw that the things have been moved around. I was flabbergasted. I understand that she might have needed some things from those boxes, but all she needed to do is to send me a text or call saying that sorry, I need something from there. And then it would have been fine. But now it makes me think that maybe there are some other times when they have been in my room and god forbid gone through my things. I hope thats not true.

No to home improvements!!

And  I dont mean the tv-show that used to run in the 90s.

As I found out today, you are not allowed to do any handywork in your home without being afraid of your neighbours complaining. And Im not talking about hammering away in the evening or drilling at night. No. Let me tell you the story my Dear Void.

I live here in a shared apartment in a room that basically just has a wardrobe and bed. Being a person who likes comfort around her, I decided to change my room a little and get some more furniture and since I got paid little while ago, I went and bought myself a bed-side cabinet. I wont tell you how I hauled it home, all 12 kilos of it among other things like lampshades and a table lamp and bits and pieces in the other bags. I could have been easily mistaken for a camel with its carriage, treading through the desert if the weather wouldnt have been so bleak and chilly.
Enough about that. I got home, and I started to assemble the cabinet, since it was flat-packed. It was almost all done and I only had to hammer in some tiny nails to attach the cardboardish back of the cabinet. Since I didnt have a hammer, I used a heavy glass jar and as soon as I had given the nails few good bangs, my flatmate was banging on my door, saying that its not allowed!! Neighbours will complain.
I was like WHAT? Its noon-time! What if something breaks down and I need to use hammer or a drill to fix it? Will the neighbors complain then too or call the police saying that: look, that person is fixing things. How dare she!
So I ended up pushing those nails in. Took me considerably longer time, but I managed and now I have a bed-side cabinet. And I still dont care about my benefit-milking neighbors who may have nothing better to do then to listen someone assemble a bedside cabinet.

Bunch of weaklings...

Yes, people here are absolute weaklings what comes to different weather conditions. Eeverything thats slightly out of ordinary created chaos and transport standstill. Heavy rain and wind rings alarmbells and I imagine that few inches of snow would be declared as a catastrophy. They should see how things work in my homeland. Over there when theres blizzard outside, we just shrug our shoulders and carry on.
Im always little afraid when Im travelling across the city that maybe something has caused the trains to come to a halt. So it would take me much much more time to make it home. I dont mind travelling if I have time, but the people are so impatient and frustrated that it gets to me too.

I began to really relish the cold days. In Estonia, they are expexting their first snow, and I miss that moment. The moment when you see the first white delicate flakes swirl down on your nose. I truly miss that. So when everybody here complains how cold it is (even though the temperature here hasnt gone below zero) I quietly cheer inside because deep down I hope to see snow. And I love those crisp days when you can feel the pinch of frost on your face and you see the sheet of white on the grass. We dont have it often though, thus I thoroughly enjoy those days when I can smell the winter and touch it, if only with my fingertips.

I thought that Im not going to write about this, but I feel that I have to share something with you my Dear Void. Yesterday was an awesome day. I spent the whole day with my special one, we took the tube to the city and went to the zoo.Walked around there hand in hand, having coffee and sandwiches (not holding hands during that, you try to eat a sandwich and hold hands at the same time) and taking pictures with animals and with eachother. And in the evening we cooked some gorgeous food and had some chai before going to bed. It was truly perfect day and on top of that, it was exactly that kind of a weather I love nowadays, crisp and sunny.
Im all warm and fuzzy inside, something that I havent felt in a long time.

Throwing myself off balance

Exactly. Im not thrown off balance by something that happens around me, I do it myself. And the same time I curse myself for doing it. Is it some form of masochism? I rather not think about it even though it looks that way.

Have you heard that saying that curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back? And my curiousity keeps "killing" me and theres no satisfaction in sight.
Im talking about Him. I dont know why I cannot permanently leave him in my past. I was with him for years and then it had its gruesome end. Why cant I put it behind me for good? I dont know. What Im about to say sounds really vengeful but maybe its because I want to see him hurt. Maybe its because I want him to fail in everything he does and be miserable, just how he made me feel and be unhappy. I know these are not good feelings and I know that I probably wouldnt feel any happier if I actually saw him be unhappy. Well, maybe I would have few seconds of "schade-freude".
He has nothing to do with my life now nor I with his. I have to stop bringing him back. But how can I stop the memories? How can I stop remembering? I dont know.

One of my dear friends is pretty much facing the same problem right now and I was rather sharp and straightforward with him and said that he is too good for that woman and should just forget her. (I didnt used really those exact words). Why am I not able to take my own advice? Because I dont want to lose my peace of mind again.

Spitting fire and electric!

Today is my day off. Its Monday and so it is the most sucky day to have off but thats not what I wanted to talk about.

I learned quite some time ago that paying utility bills here is nothing like in Estonia. In Estonia you see after a month the amount you have used and thus you pay as much as it shows on the bill. Easy-peasy. Here on the otherhand its like pay-as-you-go system. You have this little blue "key" (quotation marks because the thingy looks nothing like an actual key) inserted in your electrical panel and you are supposed to load money on it and as you use the electricity, its ticking off until it reaches zero, then you have the opportunity to press the key in once and you can enjoy the luxuries of a lit and warm home for couple of more days until your "extra time" runs out aswell. 

And thats exactly what happened today.(I live here on all-inclusive packet, sort of speak so I have really nothing to do with paying bills and all that.) I had pressed in the key few days ago and got this extra time and I immediately informed my landladys boyfriend of that. So I figured out that they took care of that in those extra days. Boy I was wrong. Today, just around 30 minutes ago that extra time ran out. How did I know? Internet suddenly wasnt there anymore and the heater stopped humming.

So I got dressed and took the "key" and made a trip to the closest shop where I could reload it. Actually, I had to make 2 trips because when I got back the first time, the meter showed me that there was still some debt on it.

Tomorrow is a rent day. And wether they like it or not, they will get 15 pounds less. (Thats the amount I spent on the meter.) They will get the receipts of my payments and less money so next time they actually take care of their business because right now they are both out and Im not going to sit here all evening in the dark and cold. I have done my end of the deal and they should do theirs.

Morning coffee with you

Good morning my Dear Void. I am up early despite actually having a day off. Im sitting on my bed, mug of coffee by my side and thinking about how to write what I want to write about because they dont really tie together under any common subject.

Do you know Dear Void how you see the tech-takeover? Look at people in public transport. Ever time I take the tube Im one of the few in the carriage NOT staring at my smartphone. I realized it one day when I was taking the tube from London Bridge to Euston and all people were sitting and staring at those little beaming screens. All but me who was just looking around. Well, truth is I dont have a smartphone and I think its much more interesting to observe people.

I had quite an emotional day yesterday at work. I received loads of positive comments from customers and that made me really proud especially since the new french manager has been on my back ever since he started working. I know, his point is to make better and truth is, I dont have much experience but I am improving.
I also cried yesterday, not like bawling, but I got really emotional. One gentleman came to the restaurant inquiring about a wake. We talked a little and he said that his wife of over 50 years passed away with cancer. When he said these words and showed me the framed picture of his late wife who looked so lovely and smiley and I looked into his eyes and saw him tearing up in sheer pain. I couldnt help but tear up too. When he left, I squatted down behind the bar counter and cried a little.

BUT to end on a happier note, I discovered that when you buy the custard doughnuts that have been half-priced in the evenings and heat them up the next day in microwave, they are awesome!
And with that, I leave you my Dear Void. Theres an early meeting at work today!

The touch of winter is in the air

My dear, dear Void. I havent been writing here for almost 2 months. I have been thinking about it alot but somehow I havent found that mysterious "something" that would make me sit down and have a heart to heart talk with you. But now Im here, sitting down in my room with my laptop, out of the daily rush until it pulls me back again like a leaf in the autumn wind.

Winter is coming. I can feel it in the air. The wind is cold, it goes right through your bones and makes you grab your coat and pull it closer to your body. Leaves are still on the trees and there are some lovely autumn colours in the nature. Back home, the trees are bare already for quite some time. I love the fact that here, in the city of 8 million people I feel the nature being closer to me than I did in a small town in Estonia.

My life has taken its twists and turns during these months. I have a job now! I started late September. I work as a waitress in a charming restaurant not far from where I live. It has its ups and downs, Im not pretending that all is peachy, but as always, I get by and get on with my life.

I feel now that everything is somehow falling into place. I have a home and I have a job. And I have peace. And as strange as it sounds, the last of them somehow means the most to me. To finally not worry about trivial, everyday things. I was walking one day, just running some errands (not literally running) and listening to music. Sun was peeking out between clouds, air was crisp, I had crunchy leaves beneath my feet and I had to resist the urge to skip. You know how little schoolgirls do, that kind of skipping. I didnt. Women my age dont skip. But I wanted to. Because it felt so light inside and everything felt as its supposed to feel. I felt like I have finally achieved what I set out to feel during those months of turmoil in Estonia when I was trying to figure out how to carry on and where to do it. I finally have this moment. I seized it.
It doesnt mean that I dont have any worries or things I ponder about. Not at all. I still do, I am a chronical over-thinker. But the biggest weight of them all has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel ( I know how corny it sounds) alive. Even though Im far from my family and the Christmas time is approaching. I dont want to talk about that, it gets me weepy.

And I feel that I have found someone. Someone lovely. Someone who wants to make me happy.

Douchebag on a train.

You know, Dear Void, there are many douchey things people can do and they do it. Most of the times I just brush it off, laugh or take no notice of it but this time I took it personally.
It was a hot summers day and I was travelling from Euston station towards Harrow on a train. I had been in tube just before arriving to Euston and it was really hot. Do you know what I carry in my purse for that kind of occasions? A fan. So I was sitting there in the train, fanning away. Even one lady sitting opposite to me said that its really hot and that she envys me and I replied that indeed its really hot and humid today, especially in tube.
And then what happened?
Half way to Harrow I felt a slight tap on my shoulder from someone sitting behind me and motioning me not to fan. (Pointing at my fan and making a no-no move with his finger). The lady who I talked before was flabbergasted and asked me quietly that did he just told you not to fan? I just shrugged my shoulders and packed my fan away to my purse. I wasnt too worried about the heat because my stop was the first to come up. I didnt look back or make a problem out of it because, well..Im not that kind of a person. I thought that maybe he was reading the newspaper and the wind from my fan was indeed something that bothered him. BUT when it was my stop and time for me to get off the train I stood at the doors and took my first look at the person who told me not to fan. Low and behold. He was just sitting there with earphones in his ears and listening music. No newspaper, no book, no nothing! He was looking back at me too with the expression of something I translated into: whatcha gonna do now? Well...nothing really. So I just gave him the stink-eye and stepped off the train.

And as I was walking on the platform towards my exit I was wondering did he feel cold from the vigorous fanning? No, I think he is just a douche.

Going back to my childhood...

Dear Void, something happened to me. Something that hasnt happened for years. I saw something in my dreams and I woke up crying. Even now when I think about it, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
I saw my children and my colleagues that I left behind. I saw that I was back there, just for a visit though, and they all were so happy to see me. I miss them alot. I love them alot. And I do think about them a lot, especially when the new kindergarten-year is starting.
I woke up, it was before 6 am and I opened my computer and wrote one of my colleagues and kids an email. That made me feel little better, little lighter in my heart, but that doesnt really stop the tears.
And you know, when you were a kid and you had night-terrors, you could be sure of your mom coming your bedside and cuddling you and stroking your hair til you fell back to sleep. But now, its just me. Nobody else here.

My first!

Just a quick word before I go to bed.
Remember, my Dear Void, I told you about one site I joined for mail exchange with other people. And today is the day I got my first postcard via postcrossing. I am so excited! Its really nice card of one painting and it came to me from Moscow, Russia. Im falling more and more in love with snail-mail. Imagine me doing a happy-dance over here!

But now Im off to bed. Sweet dreams!

Who knew...aka I blame the beets!

My Dear Void, who knew that sleeping too much can make me feel so groggy. I think I must have slept almost 10 hours. Obviously too much. I remember waking up around 5am because it was too quiet (!) outside. Really unusual for my neighborhood especially after Saturday night partying (which I didnt hear either). I laid there, pondering, weather to get up or continue sleeping and I decided to roll over and catch some zzz which came with some interesting dreams about travelling and trains.

But now as I think about it, the reason why I feel the seismic activity in my stomach could be something I ate. I blame the beets. I bought some boiled beetroot from one eastern european shop the other day and when I tasted them, they were drunken of vinegar. I thought that they were just boiled beets (like my mother used to do at home) and if you dont know, simply boiled beets have this nice sweet taste to them. Maybe Im trying too hard, but I try to find or recreate the tastes of home, something I know. Because I do get homesick every now and then. Even though I know that moving here was the best option I had. Well, Dear Void, I dont want to get all sad here today, so no more talking of homesickness or my mother and her home-cooking.

I better go and get rid of the yucky beets and boil some normal ones.

Ghost from the past..

Yes, the ghost I willingly invited in, despite my conscious telling me not to but this time my curiousity won the battle. It might seem like nothing but it made me feel so strange inside, choked me for a moment and left me somehow empty and aching.

I came across photos of someone who is now with someone who used to be dear to me not so long ago. The mere sight of them together, it hurt me to my core. I know what you think Dear Void, you think its plain old jealousy. But thats when you are wrong. Im not jealous of him being happy with someone new. What is it, that makes me feel such a failure when I see someone, who used to be part of me, moving on with their lives and being happy. Is it this green monster of envy that lives in all of us and the moment you lose your grip on it, it raises its ugly head? I dont want to be with him because frankly, we didnt have much to talk about and when we broke up, the things I missed were mostly the physical attributes of him (nothing sexual) and the way he conducted himself. The way he made me feel safe and appreciated. I guess thats what I miss.
We all want to find someone who fills our hearts with joy and as much as I would want to deny it, it hurts me that he has found it before me.

And one thing more, my Dear Void, do you think Im the only one who does this. That you see a hurtful photo and you keep looking at the others aswell, instead of just closing the page, putting the photo away and leaving?

5th season has arrived...

My Dear Void. Do you know what season it is here? No? Let me tell you. Its bee-season. Every day for the past week, Im dealing with bees and wasps who come to my room, uninvited, though the window and refuse to leave. Like some people who invite themselves over, stay for far too long and give exeptionally bad excuses not to leave.

Something happened to me today, something that hasnt happened over 10 years, if I may say so. Believe it or not, my Dear Void, I was stung by a bee. Yes. A real bee, one of those chubby bumblebees. And all I can think about is that I hope it didnt die because of it. 

And it happened when I was at home, getting my things together to go out to run some errands. I grabbed my fan from the windowsill and felt the sharp prick on my finger. At first I thought it was a splinter (since the core of the fan is made of wood) but then I turned the fan over and there it was, bumblebee who had somehow got stuck to my fan. My finger was pulsating in pain while I carefully tapped the fan against the windowframe for the bee to get free. 

I still went out, because I had to get few things from the centre. Through all this time, I felt my finger swell and my fingertip to go rock-hard and completely numb. I was afraid to look at it, because it felt twice the size of other fingers (and I believe it was). It reminded me of the time when I was around 4-5 years old and I was running barefeet among blooming clovers and accidentally stepped on a bee. The whole sole of my small foot swell up so much and turned rock hard, just like my fingertip.

Thankfully Im not one of those people who will have an anaphylactic shock when they get stung by bees. 

By the time I got home, my finger felt better, though its still visually bigger than the others and still painful. 

Its late afternoon here and Im enjoying the rest of my Sunday, tomorrow will be a busy day for me but for now I will commit myself completely to laying in bed and watching the clouds float by.

Rain!

Finally theres rain! It started to look really sad already, seeing the grass slowly turn yellow and trees shedding their leaves as if it was autumn. It seemed to be here to stay. Luckily no.

I lay in my bed, listening to the traffic outside my window and feel the cool air seeping in and tickling my toes. I had been so tired of this constant sweating and feeling sticky. Every quicker move made it all come flowing down from my hairline. And I started to hate having to tie my hair up in a bun like a grandma. Dear Void, if you didnt know, I have really long hair and when I leave it open, its like laying a blanket all over my shoulders and back. Not a good thing to do in scorching hot weather.

I havent been writing here as often as I thought I would when I was still in Estonia. I thought that this would turn into something like daily blog. Dont get me wrong, things happen here, but I realized that writing here isnt really just opening your mouth and pouring it out, it resembles with writing poetry. You have to have the right mood, the muse has to be there. You may ask whats my muse for blogging? I dont know, I honestly say. But when I woke up, hearing the rain falling and busy life happening outside while Im here all cuddled up in my bed, feeling safe and sound and not busy at all, that made me want to talk to you. To you, my Dear Void.

Things have happened here. For example, yesterday I talked to two police officers who came to my door. They wrote down my statement and took my name and number. Oh, to explaine, I live next door to a pub, quite shady one, if I may say so. There was a shooting there, early Saturday morning, one young man was shot in the chest. So the police knocked on every door to ask if they saw/heard anything. I did hear things and thats exactly what I told the officers.

And one more exciting thing. You know, dear Void, how Im always interested in different places and cultures? I joined a site called postcrossing and you can send postcards to completely randomly chosen person of that same site. And someone sends a card to you too. I dont know how that sounds to you, but for me its really nerve-tingling since I have always loved snail-mail. So Im anxciously looking forward to getting my first card! And I make it sure to share it with you my Dear Void.

Home, sweet home.

My Dear Void, I have a home now. No longer staying with friends, but in my own little home. Well, I dont live here alone, I share it with one couple. But still. Im excited and relieved at the same time.And I dont really know how to put my feelings into words because its all merged and melted into this one big ball of exhilaration yet feeling the peace coming over me at the same time.
Now the next leg of my goals begin. Finding a job. I hope it will go as smoothly as finding a home. Im not loosing faith, I didnt lose it either when I was seeing the apartments that were completely neglected, rooms that were as a size of a closet with no lock on the door, places that had a big family living in the rest of the apartment and had big stains on the carpet. And they all fell into the same price range. I call myself lucky that I found this place, this add was placed on a convenience stores window.
It takes some time before Im all settled here but for now its all good.
Happydance!

Thieves beware..!!

No, my Dear Void, I havent fallen victim to thieves, it was one of the genius signs I saw yesterday when I was walking on a Thameswalk. And I searched about it and it comes out that they actually have a technology by SelectaDNA that sprays the thief with something that can be detected later. I felt like coming from ancient times to a modern era, I wasnt aware that there is such possibility and I myself claim to come from more technologically advantaged country.

But the sign I wanted to talk about and share is this. I saw it literally EVERYWHERE. When Brits normally have a sign, its really polite like please do not litter and so on but this is really straightforward.

No please, no nothing, just NO. And in residential areas you see this everywhere. Even on the walls with no close proximity to any window. Dont they know that a ball game doesnt necessarily have to be football? I know many different and gentle games that you can play with a ball but I think that the only acceptable ball game for Brits is football. End of story Dear Void.

Stu the cockatoo is new at the zoo...

Yes my Dear Void, I have finally made my move to London. In this post, Im the Stu. Im the one new in town, slowly discovering my surroundings because this whole metropolis is unknown to me and I have to say, a little daunting.
I catch myself constantly drawing parallels with my hometown. This place here looks different, feels different and definately smells different, especially after a big saturday night partying, if you know what I mean.
I went for a walk by the Thames yesterday and probably got a tiny heatstroke because its weirdly hot here. You always imagine London as a little gloomy, windy and foggy place but not now. The city has robed itself in sunshine and turned on the heat to welcome the newcomer.
So I woke up with a splitting headache, the people I stay with said that they will go to a nearby foodstore, I stress NEARBY and asked if I wanted to come along. I said, sure, why not. And we walked and walked. More and more I realize that the distances here are way different. So from now on I will be really sceptical when someone says that something is nearby because in reality its not.
And one thing I realize aswell, african people are strong like camels in desert. They can go on walking for miles in full sun without even breaking a sweat. And I, as a white girl, feel like a possible candidate for a sunburn or a stroke (which actually might have happened) and buying copious amounts of bottled water. And we returned to the apartment around noon and then I had my first bite to eat and my not-so-morning coffee. One thing is true, my daily rhytm is way different and I want to get it back to normal as soon as possible.
And next week my search for a more permanent livingplace begins and then all the paperwork.
Wish me good luck my Dear Void.
Signing off, Stu.

Beauty lies in simplicity

Or in this case, my Dear Void, charm lies in simplicity. And today I want to tell you about one absolute charming and wonderful food-experience I had.

Maybe I havent said it, but Im leaving Estonia soon. My eyes are set on one big metropolis in western Europe - London. But before I leave with my 2 suitcases, I wanted to get my friends together once more and have a good time, have a nice lunch. And indeed we did.

We picked  restaurant Polpo, which is located in the hotel London (!) in Tartu, Estonia. The moment I walked in and asked for the table which my friend had reserved, I was treated like a queen. I had some flowers with me and before I could open my mouth and ask for a little vase for them, the waiter said that he will bring the vase for my flowers right away. I sat down in awe. While I was waiting for my friends, he came by to offer me a look whats in the menu and ask if I cared for a drink. He completely anticipated every wish and was so complementary, I felt like a vip and I havent got to the food yet.

My friends arrived and we had a marvellous time and the food. I have to pause for a moment to savour it. I had wild mushroom risotto and when it came to the table, first of all it was a big load and second of all, it was so pretty with the curly pea-sprouts. And the taste! My tummy was singing and I heard more of that all around the table. Home-made blueberry and strawberry sorbet for dessert was like a cherry on the cake.

The food and the waiter was what made this day perfect, thank you Oliver for being the best waiter I have ever seen!
And as you see, I strongly recommend to visit this place! http://polpo.ee/en/

P.S the line - charm lies in simplicity is actually the restaurants slogan, printed to all of their receipts.

Its better not to expect anything....

Yes, my Dear Void. Today has been the living proof of that. It would have been like any other of my normal Sundays - lazy, quiet and relaxing. But few days ago I decided to go for a massage on Sunday aka today. You may ask me how would it make my normal Sunday any different? Massage is supposed to be soothing and relaxing like wrapping you in a soft blanket and cuddling you. You couldnt be any more wrong...

Well, I am relaxed now but it was completely different story before. You know Dear Void how I am a little pain-o-phobic? So I dont really like that kind of physical treatments that cause pain or discomfort. I rather not have them (unless its medically necessary). So I thought that this "Healing massage" I signed up for was that kind of cozy and fuzzy blanket experience. I got there, I laid down on the table, I was covered in oil and then I was touched like never before. Oh yes, she did. And it was painful like hell, the whole hour of it. I didnt cry (because I have still some dignity left) and I didnt really moan in pain but my toes were curled up and my stomach tied itself into one big knot (which she later opened with her liver-tingling tummyrub, it doesnt sound painful, but trust me on this one, it was).
After 70 minutes I got up, wiped off the excess oil and got dressed and she told me not to be afraid at home. At that moment I wasnt paying much attention to it, though her words puzzled me, at home not so much. I stood infront of the bathroom mirror and looked in horror at my bruised body.  Believe me when I tell you, I have never had bruises on my lower back (not the big ones but the bruise-web all across it) and neither on my neck! My back also got its share.

I realize now that it probably sounds like a horror story and a campaign against the massage but no, I would go to her again because she really does it well (plus the nice shock-factor later at home. Just kidding). And I had the deepest conversation I have had in a while with her and to be honest, talking also distracted me from feeling the pain. Thank you Alice.

P.S Dont worry about the bruises my Dear Void, they will be gone in a week!

Best thoughts come at night.

Isnt it so, Dear Void? I have noticed that the best thoughts come before sleeping and then I doze off to process them in my dreams and the results are dreams where all the weird things seem completely normal and ordinary. But thats not what I wanted to talk about.

I was laying in bed yesterday and I couldnt sleep. It was still so much light outside, it doesnt really go that dark in June, the "light nights" as they call it. I was laying here and thinking. And in the moments like this, I like to talk out loud. If anybody heard me, they would probably think that Im little nutty, talking to myself but this kind of habbit (I wouldnt really call it that though) helps me to clear my head and get some things straight. Raise your hand who also does that!

So I was laying here and thinking to myself and one conversation I had with someone came to my head. We were talking about our correspondence in facebook. He asked me why am I not writing as often as I used to. I replied that why arent you writing at all. He said that he has been really busy lately. I dont really want to narrate you all that was said (because it got kind of ugly) but that brings me to one thing that I really hate about facebook messaging and how some people do it.
For example, when I get a message there, I reply right away. Some people dont really do that. The read it and they reply much later. Dont people realise that the other person can see when you have first read it? And I dont really buy that crap what some people give me saying that they didnt have time to reply. Really? You had time to surf the facebook, post some new pictures and obviously had time to read what I wrote and all of a sudden you dont have a minute to write me couple of lines? I do understand that people are busy. BUT when you are really busy as you claim to be, why are you online in the first place? You should be busy with being busy.
Does that kind of behaviour bother other people too or is it just me? It wouldnt be the first time, Dear Void.

Lazy-Bug

Yes my Dear Void. I come here and I see that I have been incredibly lazy. Its almost 2 months since I last wrote here. And I have had one of my dear friends asking me several times that have I written anything new here? And all these times my answer has been no.

Dont get me wrong, let me explaine. Its not that I havent been wanting to and its not that my life has become so boring that its not worth mentioning. On the contrary, my life has been taking twists and turns since I last checked here and I have been waiting for the water to clear a bit so I could have better view on things. I remember I once said here that I dont want to talk about random things, things that dont have any significance to my life. I also dont want to talk about serious things that I dont know anything about.

But none of these things I think are the true reasons why I have been silent for this long. I guess its some sort of a superstition that I dont want to say some things or do some things until Im absolutely sure about them or I can predict the outcome, at least a little. So I havent been wanting to tell all my plans until things are really set and happening.

Today was a hard day for me, as well as yesterday. I handed in my resignation. You know Dear Void, today was especially hard. My boss was shocked and I was tearing up. I love what I do, the idea of it and this decision to leave didnt come easy for me. But for the sake of my future, I need to move on. I sat in her office and we talked about it and about life in general and she understood why Im going and leaving it all behind. She even said that if she was younger, she would do the same.
I finally made it home after 2,5 grueling days and Im exhausted from all these emotions. I need a rest.

Green thumb.

My Dear Void. I dont know how to start this post. I dont know where would be the best to do it. But I think I just say it and get it over with.
You know how some people are really good at gardening. Everything they plant flourish. One of my friend, now a proud mother of 6 (yes!) is that kind of a person. She could stick a leaf into the flowerpot and it would grow into a tiny tree.
But thats not what I wanted to talk about.

I want to go back to something my grandmother used to say when I was a hot-headed teenager and I used to lash out a lot and mostly at my most dear ones. She said: word is like a bird that flies out of your mouth and you can never get it back in. And thats something that really resonates within me.

I want to talk about words. No, seeds. No, words as seeds.
Words are like seeds. They always find a fertile ground and they grow. But the difference is in that seed. Is it a good one or not. Good words planted in people can work miracles. They can become something that person hangs on to for years to come and it blooms in their soul and sometimes is even the last resort to them in hard times.
But mean words, they are also seeds. But what they create is completely different. They also grow. Sometimes more than the good ones. And what they create is like a poison. What grows out of them is like a strangling vine around the heart, squeezing tight. They grow being watered with tears and when its the harvest time, all you get is resentment, disappointment, distrust, low self-esteem and self-respect in your fruitbasket.

So be careful, you reap what you sow.

Sunny people, welcome!

Yes, my Dear Void. All sunny people who bring joy, light and laughter in my life, you are very welcome. I never get enough of these kind of people who can light up the room with just their presence and a smile. I hope someone finds me to be that kind of person aswell.

I havent written here over a week, it has been a tough one. Not really because I moved my whole life back to my parents home but because I had loads of birthdays and its really heavy, on the stomach mostly since I just cannot say no to something delicious.

I wanted to write here because I witnessed a scene in my local supermarket the other day. I was there at the tills and the cashier had just announced that the cash registers belt is broken. So she gave me the sign that tells people to go to the other till so I would put it after my goods. We managed somehow and just as I was paying for my things and the cashier prepared to switch the tills one man came up and started yelling at her. Blamed her for the lack of cashiers, broken belt, absent managers, bad rota for the cashiers. It was a miracle he didnt blame her for the spring floods we have here.

And seeing all that and feeling bad for just standing there, I started wondering about why people are so angry. Why indeed? Why people gather so much negativity inside and release it to random people? Honestly speaking, I dont remember the last time I was that angry that I was about to burst. I guess Im not an angry person or I just find healthy ways of venting. Maybe thats what Im doing here now and venting on you my Dear Void. How many negativity there is around us and how many people carry it around as a daily burden never to be released from it...

Havent you noticed how some people only bring negative emotions? When you talk with them or even see their name, you get this feel of anguish flushing over you. And when they leave, even if only for a short time to be returned again later, you feel like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Maybe its because some people are so overpowering, strong and they transfer their own emotions to you easily. Maybe some people are more receptive then others.
I have had people like this in my past who have kept me in their icy grip, who make me feel trapped, frustrated and lost. But I try to avoid it at all costs because its a waste of me. I read a good quote the other day: its not important how many years you live but how much life is in your years.

But all sunny people, bring it on, bring your light and positive vibes, its all very welcome!

I'd give my everything for you, my love!

Would I?
Should I?

Im not sure, my Dear Void. I have been talking to someone with whom our ideas on that subject clash completely. His thoughs on it sound more or less like that: if you love someone, you have to do everything for them that makes them happy, even though it doesnt make you happy. So when you do everything according to that persons wishes, you prove your love.

No.
I simply cannot agree to this.
Call me selfish, call me whatever you please but the way I see things is rather different. When I love someone, I choose to give my all to him. I dont have to but I choose to. And I still have boundaries. There are things I would never do. Never ever no matter who you are.
I believe love is about making people happy and I mean both sides of the relationship. Not that one is holding back the tears doing something that causes them discomfort, pain or mental distress just for the sake of the others pleasure. How could I ever enjoy something when I know that pleasing me causes my dear loved one harm? Its impossible.

I have experienced giving my all to someone I love. I did it gladly, with a smile on my face. But sometimes I did it just to keep the peace or to avoid the argument and fights. I was the peacekeeper in that relationship. And it doesnt work, at least not for a longer time. In a relationship when one side always gives more, one thing inevitably happens. This person will be taken for granted. They will give more and more since its never enough and they receive less and less so in the end they are left with empty hands.
And I promised myself that I will never be like this. Never again will I agree with things that doesnt make me happy or what will hurt me.

And not to sound selfish, I'd like to explaine. There are 3 categories of things. One is the YES where are all the things that are acceptable for that person, second one is NO where are all the things that are absolutely not acceptable but this category is also non-debatable and should be respected by others no questions asked. And the third is MAYBE and that category can swing both ways. But in that one are the things that can be tried and then decided over.
So my Dear Void, what I wanted to say with this ranty talk is that I dont want to do thing that are an absolute no for me and I'd like this to be respected and I also would never push my loved ones to do the things they reallyreally dont want to.

Love is about respect and acceptance the way the people are. If you cannot accept me the way I am with all my boundaries, flaws and quarks, well, tough luck then. And this was really something I had to get off my chest.
Now Im off to bed, nightnight!

Kicked in the *beep*

First of all my Dear Void, my last post was my 100th one. So this marks the beginning of another.
I was rather down this morning, my heart was bleeding because of the loss of my home, losing my independence and having to move back to my parents. I was seriously hurting.
My stacked boxes and bags are at their destination, my parents home already and in 4 days I will follow with my last things. But I have to say that I will do that with much lighter disposition as I would have thought based on todays morning.
And I have only one person to thank for it. Demi. Thank you for not letting me wallow in self pity and showing me some tough love. You made me see everything from a different angle and injected something really positive into me. It helps so much when someone reassures you, has your back. The feeling that someone else steps out for you aswell, that you dont always have to do it alone. Thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you for kicking me in the *beep*

The last weekend

My Dear Void, this is my last weekend here, in my home. Next friday I meet the landlord here and we settle the last things and payments and thats it.

Im heartbroken.
It was really hard to see my home turn into something impersonal. Bare shelves, no track of me ever being here. I packed up my last things and I had the memory-flashes again, so strong that I actually felt sick in my stomach. I found some papers and greeting cards for my wedding that happened almost 5 years ago. It was little too much for me so I just sat on my bed and weeped. Its strange how the things you thought were over with still affect you that much.
But it literally made me feel sick inside and weak in the knees.

My home is bare. Stripped of all the things that were mine. Just few things left for my last 4 days here and thats it. I changed the curtains in the kitchen and livingroom and now even the light is different. It all feels different as if it wasnt my home anymore. Walls are bare, cupboards are empty, boxes and bags on the floor waiting to be taken away. Its absolutely gut wrenching to know that this is the place I would never return to. I didnt feel this way in Ireland when I left my homes there. First time it happened, I didnt have much time to think about it. My relocation from Limerick happened so quickly, His new work and new place to live. And I guess one thing that took away the sorrow was that it was a new start with someone I loved back then. And to find a greeting card from my former colleagues from Dell wishing me happy married life, it all brought it back to me. Both, the happiness and the betrayal.

Cant believe I have lived here for almost 3 years. But now its time to part.

Sleeping with my eyes open

Good morning my Dear Void.
To sound grumpy I would say that theres absolutely nothing good about this morning but since I dont think I am one of those kind I say that it looks like its going to be a lovely day. Full with promises of springtime.
Just 2 days ago it seemed hopeless. I came home from work in the late afternoon and it was snowing. Let me remind you, two days ago was 1st of April. It was nasty weather, strong gusts of wind that blew this wet sleet everywhere and by the time I got home my jeans were soaked and face frozen. Today it looks much better.

But this is not why Im writing.
Next week Im moving away. I didnt realize that it would be so hard on me. This has been my home for 2,5 years and in a week it would be nothing but a gap, stripped of all the things and memories that are mine. It would be a shell for someone to build their home in. For me it will be a gap.

I didnt realise how many things and how many memories I have here. I started sorting my things the other day and I came face to face with them. I sat here and the whole range of emotions flushed over me and I just sat here and tried to savour the good ones. Its not just an apartment Im leaving behind, its my home.
One big stage in my life will be over soon. This weekend I try to pack everything together so that for my last 4 days I would only have the necessities, the things I would actually use during my last days here.

I feel sad and strangely heartbroken but mostly I feel tired. Emotions like this, they wear me out and I havent been able to sleep the past 2 nights so I feel like sleepwalking. Its hard to concentrate like this but I will give my best. Hope I dont fall asleep on my way to work.

Show me love!! But....how?

My Dear Void, thats something I have been thinking the past couple of days. Until now I have regarded these kind of matters somewhat universal. But now I realise that they are not. There are as many different definitions to it as there are people in the world since there are no mold for people. They are born unique, life smooths the rough edges but they are still unique inside.

So what is the act of showing love in everyday situations? How do you let your special one know that you love them? Its somewhat rhetorical question because there are no answer that could be singled out as I said before. And I guess you have to thank God if you happen to find that person who matches with you in this matter. Since if the match doesnt happen, one thinks that there are no love being shown and the other wonders why their gestures (that are supposed to show their affection) only seem to lead to unhappiness.

I am a person who appreciates little things. I dont necessarily need enormous gestures to feel loved. (Though I wouldnt mind something like a serenade under my window and candles spelling out how much that person loves me, well, who wouldnt like something of the sort). I like these little reminders every day, little spontaineous acts to see/hear/feel that someone is thinking about me and misses me. I like sweet and simple things, calling that someone out of the blue just to say that you are thinking about them.
I dont know really how to describe things like that. But I have experienced it firsthand when you do all these things (that I would like seeing done for me and what would make me happy) and yet you see that special person disgruntled and doubting wether you have any feelings for them at all.

Disgustingly joyful

Well, my Dear Void, I wouldnt really call myself that. Though that term was used once to describe me. Actually that happened quite long time ago.

The reason why Im writing here this early Monday morning (my absolute least favourite morning) is my father. No rant this time. But something he said made me think and brought back something a friend told me few months ago.

My father called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to join him for a ride. My gut feeling told me what it was about but I still went. And it was right. It was exactly what I thought it would be about. We sat in the car and as he was driving, he was talking aswell only this time I felt that there was a change in his character. Maybe I need to thank my mother for that as my dad mentioned that mom had spoken with him.
We didnt talk for a very long time but he did tell me his thoughts but in a more mellow way. He said that Im always welcome home and that he and my mom see that im unhappy as my life isnt exactly going as I have imagined.
He said that he can see that Im unhappy. That brought back the conversation with one of my friends who came to visit me few months ago. We sat here, had some coffee and he said something like : my God, all those things you have been through in your life, no wonder that you are depressed and unhappy..
But Im not.
I wouldnt describe myself as a exhilaratingly happy but Im not depressed and unhappy either. Yes, I have had a rocky past and some things have gone completely wrong. Hey, I thought that by the time Im 25, I have my own home, loving husband and maybe one child aswell. That just shows how many turns life can take. But when I think about my life, I dont see it as being down in the gutter. I have had ups and downs, but I see my ups more than my downs.
My life has been a journey and I have met some wonderful people on the way. And there are people who have it worse than me. Im not doing that thing that my friend Ben described as "schadenfreude" because theres no such word in english. I just know that people have it worse than me, so what is there for me to complain. Maybe thats something that relates to my previous post when I said that Im not feeling defeated when facing obstacles or going through rough patches. Because I know they wont be forever. Obstacles, I mean. And I refuse to be unhappy.

Dry waterfall

Its actually a reply to a post from my dear friend and his thoughts on it made me think. I love it. I love when something or someone provokes me to think. And Im not meaning a negative provocation.

I loved that comparison that he made. Dry waterfall - a part of a life cycle when pleasures, love and happiness seem to disappear through the cracks in the ground and leave the riverbed barren and dry. Dryspells that last for long. Desert in your throat, heart yearning for something that you thought was permanent but what still disappeared like a mirage in a Sahara.

It got me thinking about my own life. And about possible differences from his way of looking at his own life. I started thinking about my own dryspells. Have I really had any? Probably. Do I see them as complete droughts? No. I view my life, my story ( stress on the word view, since I refuse to bow down to the hits I get from life) as a river that sometimes swells up to size of the river Nile, sometimes dries smaller, at times really small, leaving only a trickle. But It never dries. Never. I refuse to let it be so. As soon as I see that the rain has stopped, creeks that fed it have dried, I get into action and I have always managed to keep that little trickle flowing. Maybe the life has been kind to me, maybe Im just lucky but I dont count that as my doing, someone up there has kept me in the hollow of His hand and assured me that the water will come. He has made my river to be fed by many creeks and He never lets them all dry at once. And I guess that is something that has always kept me as I am, kept me going.

Hold on my friend, water is on its way!

Long time no see..

Cant believe, my Dear Void that the last post here was more than a month ago. Thats exactly what I ment when I once said that I seem to do this blogging in waves. Sometimes I write alot and then for some time theres absolute silence. One of my dear friends asked me that why havent I been writing. And I paused and thought about it. Why indeed? I guess I didnt have anything wise to say. Because I strive to write about things that matter to me, that play on my heartstrings, or simply about things that happen to me that are unusual and funny.

Many things have happened to me during this time of absence. I dont even know where to start but one thing is sure - some things have become more clear to me yet some things are more tangled and some stay untouched.
One decision I took was to move. Move back with my parents. It makes me sad because I truly value my independency but I have no choice. I have decided to relocate and living here alone wont let me prepare for it, financially. It does make me really sad because this place here, its my home even though its only a rental apartment. When I broke the news to my landlord he was sad too because I have been a good tenant. I dont throw loud parties, I dont mess up and trash the place, I always pay my rent and bills on the right time (sometimes I remind him that he needs to come and collect the rent or send me the electricity bill because he just forgets).

Im afraid. More clearly than ever I realize one of my biggest fears. Confrontation. I am a peaceloving person.    But I know that when I move back home, I need to face my father sooner or later. Dont think that he is some sort of a monster. Not at all. He is as strong-willed person as I am. But I know he has his beliefs and opinions. I remember some days ago when I called my mother and asked if I could move back home and she said that we need to talk to dad too. I said straight away that Im afraid and I dont want to. She asked me why and I said that I love dad but I already know what he wants to say about this, about all my plans. Since every time we talked about it, it quickly turned into his monologue with me just sitting there choking back the tears and him talking alone.
And so I said to my mom that I appreciate his opinion, I just dont want to hear it all over again since I know already what he wants to say. But when I move home, I have to hear it sooner or later. So my mom said that she will talk to dad. I texted her later to ask what he said and she answered with the sweetest message ever, that Im always welcome home. It still bring tears to my eyes.
Dont get me wrong, I dont cry about everything. But when something touches me deep or I deal with the matters or people that are the most important to me, I do get emotional.

But so far, I have my plans set for summer, for the relocation. I cant imagine fitting my whole life into 2 suitcases again....de ja vu moment.

Creepster alert!

Remember dear Void, just this morning I told you about that strange old man who gave me the note, right?
Guess what? I was coming home from work and I saw him on the bus! I'd like to hope that he didnt see me. And I hope I made myself as tiny and invisible as I could and just hoped he wouldnt get off the bus at the same stop as me. He got off the bus one stop before me and I exhaled with relief to see him walking away to the completely opposite way where I was heading.
I got off the bus and I didnt go straight home. Since I needed some items from the grocerystore I went to the closest one to replenish my supplies.

I was walking around the store with my bread and milk in the basket, looking for some other things to buy when I saw him. He was there at the store, looking at me and nodding hello. I turned the other way and walked away as casually as I could and headed straight to the checkouts.
As I was about to pay for my items, there came some young people behind me and after them, He appeared again. I quickly (but casually) stuffed my things in my purse and stormed out. I seriously hope he didnt follow me home.

The Day of All the Lovers

Yes, my Dear Void. Today is Valentines Day. I like it though I have never really had anything romantic happening on this day. Yes, even when I was married. I remember getting a card once and flowers once.

Some people are really pessimistic about this day. The call it a commercial holiday and roll their eyes when someone buys a heart shaped box of chocolates. I dont understand those people. Yes, its true, it is a sales-holiday but when theres a day to make your loved one feel special, why not do it and nobody should rain on your parade. Spread the love!

You know what happened to me couple of days ago. Something really bizarre, yet hilarious.
You know how peoples lives have patterns. How you always make coffee in the morning the same way, wake up the same time, take the same bus to work. So do I. I always take the same bus simply because that bus goes once in an hour and theres no other I can take.
And when you take the same bus every day, those people are all familiar to you. Rarely you see someone completely new.Well, heres the story. Two stops after I get on the bus, one older man gets on the bus. He is not little bit older than me, he could be approximately 60 (at least he looks that way with his gray moustache). Few days before Christmas last year he sat beside me and we started a conversation, about weather, bad road conditions because of the snow and upcoming holidays, really harmless, harmless things. Since then we greet eachother with a nod and he wishes me nice day when he exits the bus. You think its a nice story? Keep reading.

On Tuesday, he was sitting infront of me and just before he stepped off the bus, he looked in my eyes and slipped me a little crumpled piece of paper. Yes, he did. Then he left and I was sitting there, feeling weird. The bus drove on and when I unfolded the paper it said: Dear respectable Lady. Please call. Phonenumber and name at the bottom. Can you believe it?
When I told this story to my colleague she was laughing and said that on Thursday (today) when its Valetines Day, I bet he will come on the bus with flowers for you. I hope not. Im little afraid now.
And just in case you are wondering, NO, I didnt call. Hes older than my own  father. Im really not interested in such things.

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.

I came across that line quite accidentally. Its is an opening line of L.P. Hartley "The Go-Between" published in 1953. I have to admit that I had never heard of that book before. But that line made me think.

Made me think how we want to apply the rules in the past to present situations. We are used to how things have been in the past so we honestly expect them to be so in the present moment. But they are not. Things change in time, we change in time. We cannot hope that the world works the same way it did couple of years ago. We have shaped the time ourselves. And yet it gives us this unsettling feeling when things dont go the way we are "used to". We think that at least the good things should remain the same. But why should good things be excluded from the turn of time? Everything changes.

Im not completely sure why I write all this and where I want to get with this talk but when I saw that line, it reminded me of my father. And how I instinctively feel that he still regards me as this 22 year old who once left her home, her country to go to Ireland.
I have told you about the serious coversations I have been having with him and that I told him that I plan to leave again, not tomorrow, not next month but I plan to do so. He told me, not directly though, about what would be waiting for me abroad. I felt that the subtext sounded something like: you went away once, and look what came out of that! Maybe Im over-dramatising, but thats how I feel.
And to make it clear, I did well in Ireland. I had a job, I had a roof over my head and I was completely well. Probably I didnt make the wisest choice of picking my life-partner, but thats completely another matter which had nothing to do with how I managed abroad. And I feel that my father puts those two completely different sides of my life there under the same denominator.

I respect my father and his opinions and I love him with all my heart. I dont know why he thinks it is an easy decision to leave. Its not. Its really hard but I feel that I have to make a decision to be happy and feeling content. I know that I they dont fully understand me because I have always been the odd one, the one whos not afraid to explore and travel, even alone.
I just want them to know that even if Im far, I still love them to bits and I wouldnt be gone for them.
But I cannot live my life according to other peoples wishes, what they want me to do and what they want me to become. I cannot push myself down anymore because in the past that has only made me unhappy. And this life is too short to simply settle for something only because it makes other people happy.

Be silent, my brain!

Im ill, once again. This time something completely different. But that is not what I wanted to tell you my Dear Void. Im troubled. Im not IN trouble, just troubled. Thinking too much. I can say that about myself more often that I would like. I have a strange habbit of overworking my brain, ending up more confused than I was before. Weird, isnt it?

I had a long conversation with my father yesterday. I was feeling ill and nauseous and then he called me and said that he would really like to talk to me sometimes, one on one. We started the conversation on Sunday, which quickly turned into his monologue and I didnt get to say a word. Just sat there trying to make those tears that I tried to hold back (some managed to escape my eyes) as less noticeable as I could. I just sat there. My mom excused herself at one point and when she came back to the table, I still hadnt got the chance to say anything. I just sat there like a statue. Weeping statue.

I told my dad yesterday that I will end up crying again and I rather not do that in public. Dont get me wrong, I couldnt care less who saw me crying. Im in that point of my life where I give no importance what complete strangers might think about me. I just dont want to be in a place where I cant bawl in peace when I feel like it.

Why is it like that, you may ask? Its because...Im not happy the way I am and I dont mean my looks or personality or anything of that sort. I feel I need to change something. And I have been thinking about things recently. No, not recently. I have been pondering about things for half a year already. And I told my parents that I think about leaving. Leaving my country, going somewhere else. I should have known what followed that statement.

I know my dad has his beliefs and he told me that he sees that Im unhappy. He tossed me some ideas what I could do. Mostly about my work. Because lets face it, the biggest reason I think about leaving is that I soon wont make ends meet. And when one of my friends who makes egg-cartons makes almost half more than I make, that just makes me sad. No offence to people who make egg-cartons or any other work. I just wanted to draw a parallel with how little teachers (Im a teacher) are appreciated here.

My fathers main point seems to be that I need to do something with my talent. Give back to the society. Contribute. But truth to be told, contributing to society doesnt weigh up my personal happiness, the feeling of  being content with myself. Of course its great and I find those people extremely admirable. But I really dont think about that when I need to worry if I manage to pay my bills or having to use creditcard to buy milk and bread at the end of the month.
And for illustrating this, I give you Maslows pyramid of needs. If nothing I wrote here made sense, maybe that helps you to understand.

Just now finished another call with my dad. This time he talked about the balance between my expenses and income.
I dont know how I make it clear to him that I dont see my future happening here. There are many reasons, money being not the only one. And Im not talking about getting rich, Im not that naive that I believe that someone is waiting for me abroad with a pot of gold. Im talking about money as a tool.

But enough for now. I feel nauseous. And this is probably too long for anybody to read...

Lady Butterfingers.

Yes. Butterfingers. Thats me. I have been dropping things like crazy. All evening yesterday. My friends were laughing because we were cooking and I kept dropping spoons and icecubes and tomatoes (though I WAS juggling with those at that moment). And they kept asking me wether I was under the influence which I wasnt.

I had a horrible day on Thursday. Instead of going to work, I had an appointment at the hospital for MRT brain scan. I thought it was something quick and easy. I couldnt have been more wrong. They stuck me in that darn machine for 35 minutes, gave me the panic button and earphones saying that it will be little loud in there. That was a complete and utter understatement. It sounded like paving drill and a worst dubstep beat met eachother right next to my ears. It was horrendous and Im not exaggerating.
And the nurse told me that I couldnt move anything while being in there. So I tried to be brave. It was hard. Near the end I had tiny nerve-twiches and tears were flowing down my face and I didnt want to press the panic-button because then I had to go through that ordeal again.

And after all that, getting up and feeling completely noise-nauseous, I had to go to work. Yay for me.

But it got better in the evening. I came home, made  cheesecake which turned out to be fabolous and was the star of yesterdays evening.
Here you can see the recipe along with many other awesome ones. Follow the cake-trail...

Quiet morning

My dear Void, its really so quiet here. And I dont live in the middle of nowhere in a little hut. I live in an area of block-buildings. I live in a 5-storey house with over 100 apartments and yet its so quiet that you can hear a pin drop. Maybe its so quiet because its so early. I dont mean that on other mornings its a bustling place here like a marketplace in Cairo but its little eery, not even cars passing outside.

I dont know what happened to me yesterday, I was yawning all day at work. And my work is not really a desk-job. I dont work in an office, Im constantly on the move (and yawning). So I came home,  had something to eat and around 8pm I went to bed. I honestly thought that I was going to read for a while and then sleep. Wrong. As soon as my head touched the pillow, I was out. I did try to read, I have my absolute favourite book on my improvised nightstand (I can read that book over and over again and every time find something new, its really amazing). Frances Mayes "Under the Tuscan Sun". Maybe you have heard about  it, they even made a movie about it, but I can assure that the book is way better, because its impossible to cram all that, ALL that into a 1,5 hour movie. And some key things are different in the movie, they needed to add some things for the sake of suspense and action. Book is wonderful, I strongly recommend you read it.

Just take a look, you may fall in love. I wish I could go there one day. To actually see where it all took place in the book.

Gravity

My dear Void, listen to this song. I believe that after this all my words that follow are completely unnecessary. This is the song that ties my feelings into one messy bundle and finishes it off with a bow.

My dear Void, have you ever had someone in your life that makes you weak in the knees, who turns all your insides into jelly? Its someone who can lift you up with one finger and bring you crashing down in a blink of an eye. Someone who you have never had any physical contact, someone you have never seen face to face yet who has unexplainable power over you.
I have felt it.

I have felt it really close, so close it burns. I thought I was over it. And when I walked away all this time ago, I actually felt some sort of a relief because somehow it had been immense burden on me. All those raging emotions, those intoxicating highs and those unbearably painful lows, it had all worn me out. I struggled to break free and a brief moment of luck, you gave me a perfect excuse. I escaped and I left you behind.

I dont know why you came back. You said that even though all this time has passed, you couldnt get me out of your head. What right do you have to come back and turn me into a mush again? I tried to be careful this time. Short whirlwind and you are gone again. Hopefully never to be seen again in my life.
Its not that I wouldnt want the thrills of the rollercoaster and the highs, Im afraid of the lows, my heart cannot bear it. I showed myself to you, who I am this time over all those years we have known eachother. Completely naked, revealed the depth of my soul to you and told you that I cannot do this, not this time.
Hope life treats you well, my kryptonite.

Quiet afternoon

Im ill.

Already for a week I have felt the difficulty and pain in swallowing and on monday evening the throat pain was accompanied by fever. I got a doctors appointment and she put me on sick-leave on tuesday. So its already thursday afternoon and I have been sitting at home for the 3rd day. Dont get me wrong, I admit its a little boring, but I do like being at home. No matter where I happen to live, I make it as much "homey" as possible, so I always like to spend my time there.

So here I am, luckily no fever in sight, having the most fragrant peppermint tea. I had some generic peppermint tea in teabags but you cannot really compare it to the dried peppermint herbs one of my colleagues gave me in a giftbag on my birthday. From her own garden. Thats the true essence of herbal tea. Tea that doesnt lose its greenish-golden colour and turn to mucky brown in 2 minutes after removing the teabag from the cup. Tea that is perfect the way it is, no need to add sugar or honey. Just tea not plain, though simple. Cheers!

One song that dont stop resonating with me when I listen. Dear Void, what do you think of it?

Surreal reality

My Dear Void. You have no idea what happened to me yesterday. I still feel little funny about it.

I had just finished a long call with my mum when my phone rang 10 minutes later. I thought to myself that oh, she must have forgotten something but it wasnt her. It was him, who I had eliminated from my life few months ago (and it wasnt the first time), I thought I was seeing wrong, seeing his name pop up on the screen of my phone.

We talked. We talked for quite some time. About painful things in the past and he actually appologized for being an asshole. That was a surprise. First of all because of this " Im sorry that I was a complete asshole"-thing and for the fact that he called me because I remember how we parted ways all those months ago. With a big bang, big argument, as usual, him saying that he thinks we shouldnt talk at all anymore and me, as a response, deleting him from everywhere (but my phone, obviously).

And I didnt sleep well last night, I didnt see him in my dreams, but they were really scattered and my throat hurt so bad that every time I made the swallowing motion, I was in serious pain and I kept waking up. I will call a doctor today and get an appointment.

But back to him. It feels really weird, because I managed to get by without him in my life, I already got used to it and now here he comes, kicks the door open with appologies and a big smile and probably expects everything to be the same how they were when we parted ways...

Happy New Year

I was sure that I wasnt going to write here tonight. I was feeling rather down for some unknown reason, I dont know why such moments turn me into a real party-pooper. But here I am, sitting in the middle of the firework cracks and thinking to myself, feeling the sadness dissolve in the fireworks, having good memories, some bittersweet ones from the year thats gone for me already, since its past midnight here. I have this feeling in my heart, like kids have before the Christmas Day, before running downstairs and opening the presents, not being sure what could be there inside the colourful boxes. Thats how I feel right now. Anticipation. Happy one, towards this new year full of excitement, challenges, laughter, tears, joy and happiness.
So here from the snow and cold Estonia, I wish you, my Dear Void the happiest new year and I will go to bed now to listen to the lullaby of the firecrackers.