Võta pikksilm, vaata pikisilmi
ja siis tunned kahanemas kuid.
Siis on aega, siis on valgeid pilvi,
musti kleite, pärgi lilletuid.

Kui ka lähed, kanna oma kõrgust
ligi maad ja varja kehaga.
Vikat kaasas, nii ta tuleb põrgust
ja su kokku riisub rehaga.

Ära nuta, naera hambad paljaks.
Küll su huuled mind veel puutuvad.
Kuid mu nali, see jääb ikka haljaks,
kui ka silmad koopaiks muutuvad.

Long time no see..

Its been a while since I wrote here. I took my time to think about certain things. I can truly say now that I have made peace with myself. Finally. I have thought so much. Mostly about what I want to do with my life. Well. In a way I have thought about what I definately dont want to do with my life. I dont want to suffer anymore. I want to be happy and I know that I deserve to be happy.
And about me and Him. Things are pretty stabile here nowadays. No talk or discussion about her. He doesnt seem to have any kind of feelings for her. I dont want to open a champange just yet. I rather be careful. And Im still paranoid. Although we get along muchmuch better than we used to and we are talking a lot more.
And He is thinking about taking time off. Im afraid that He will start partying then. I already saw some pictures where He was drunk and He was hoochi-dancing with one of his colleagues. I dont appreciate that. It seems that the time with his "friends" is the time He feels single again and He doesnt think about me. I dont know. Im scared in a way about my numbness. Im scared that I stop feeling things, that I become ...totally numb about everything.
I just say that lets live one day at a time, altough its hard for me, because Im a planner. But I have to do that, if I dont want to go totally crazy..

2 years already..

Yesterday 2 years ago I saw my husband for the very first time. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Limerick in February. And the weather was as clear and sunny as it is now. Good old times that may never return. Surely they are not going to return, because times are different and we are different aswell. But I have to be honest, even though it means me being stuck in the past, I really miss those times. Times where We didnt have a care in the world. Just Us.
Tomorrow He is working with Her. All day. I really have to find me something to do so I wouldnt sit at home and think about them all the time. He says that He doesnt give a damn about her anymore, but I dont know if his attitude is going to be like that too when He sees Her at work. Because its not possible to work together when you are not talking and communicating at all. Im worried. Who wouldnt be worried in that situation? Because I still feel She has much power over him. And I want to break it. All I want is that He could finally stand up to these manipulations and think himself. Think what he wants and what matters for him in life and how He pictures his life to be.
So tomorrow is going to be an ultimate test for him (in a way a test for me too on how calm can I keep myself for 10 hours. And as you know me, Im not the most patient person in the world) and tomorrow evening when He comes home, I will find out how he managed and how the situation is...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

This sentence is actually simple and logical. But in some strange way it gives me confidence and optimism. I was walking in the city today, doing my things, while I suddenly thought about this. And its so true. Its like, every day you start the rest of your life. And its up to you how you want to see it and what you want to make out of it.
And today I dont want to talk about Him or about Her. Today I want to talk about ME. I felt something today that I havent felt for quite a while. I felt free. And I felt beautiful. You know the feeling when you exhale? The calm feeling you get. Thats how I was suddenly feeling, I felt acceptance with life. No matter what it may bring me, I felt that I can accept it. I was walking, cold wind brushing my cheeks (I love to feel the winter wind on my face and I always smell the wind to see if I can get the hint of spring out of it, but its far to early for that) and winter sun shining on me and over a long time I felt truly happy. Happy with myself.
Its weird how I seek one thing from others. I know that I look good and that Im beautiful. But I honestly tell you, that I started to feel like this recently. I have done a big transformation during the past couple of years, I feel like Im turning into a butterfly and Im coming out of my cocoon. And I really enjoy when people tell me that Im beautiful. Its not easy to explaine...well I try. The other night some strangers added me as their contacs in skype. I didnt know who they were so I had few words with them. And even though they were probably men, who had certain intentions towards me, I enjoyed when they said that my picture on my profile looked very beautiful. I have no intetions to go any further with my online talkings than just hello and bye, but I enjoyed those compliments. Like I feel that I need all the compliments now that I didnt get all those years when I didnt feel beautiful.....I dont know if it makes any sense...