I like my weekends nowadays. They are quiet and relaxed and I honestly cant believe how quiet my neighbourhood is. Its already dark. Snowy and cold. I like evenings like that. Yesterday I was coming home from my friends birthday. I got off the bus in downtown because I felt like walking a bit. It was chilly and and the air was crisp. I stood on the market-bridge and looked down into the black water. The thin ice-layers were moving on the surface of the water and I waited to hear them crackle and break against the concrete pillars of the bridge and I caught myself thinking that the sound of the breaking ice...I dont know even how to explain...it somehow gave me comfort. Hearing something break in the silence...something breaking in the silence inside of me.
Before I go to sleep, I open the door to the balcony to let in some air and I always inhale deep. Take this cold wave of air inside, its the feeling of clensing whats inside of me. So in a way its one of my favourite moments in the evening. Standing on the balcony in my PJs and breathing slowly and deeply before closing the door and jumping to bed.
I crave for things nowadays. Mostly edible things:D I would really enjoy some spicy chicken-wings and some nice red wine...
I heard an expression today that: in relationship, the one who loves less is in charge. What do you think about that, Dear Void?
P.S one page kept me really entertained today. http://www.lamebook.com
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Old but still childish...
Cant help feeling that I did something of that kind. And in addition, maybe I was a bit rude. Maybe it was his defence mechanism that sprang to work because of what I said. I will never know.
Theres certain type of people who I just dont get. I never know wether they are genuine or just giving me plain bs. And thats exactly how its with him. Im still not good detecting if hes talk comes straight from the heart or if its all a big pretend.
I talked with one of my good friend who came over on Sunday that I have the problem of thinking that all people should be like me. Think like me, meaning that they should have same values and same codes of conduct as I do. And in nowadays world, its hardly the case. I feel sometimes that Im alone in this. I dont really know why my way of thinking of what is right is so different from the others.
And the main difference between me and him is that I dont play with people. So I guess its like a "crusade" for me to show him that what he does is wrong. Last night I was already in bed and I was thinking. When I lay in my bed before I sleep, I like to talk out loud, to make my thoughts more "visible", if you may. And I was thinking that who am I to tell him how to live his life. Im nobody in that matter. Im no judge, Im no jury. And so I have no reason to be rude no matter what he does, no matter that he did hurt me in the past.
And thus I eliminated him from my life. I just drew a line for myself. Im not going to be a "lone ranger" and fight for justice when its not even needed, when all the problems may just be in my head and stuck in the way I think about the world and relationships. I dont want to be rude to people even though sometimes it may seem other way round. So I removed him from my life because I know very well that my "ranger" can raise its head when I still have him around.
Theres certain type of people who I just dont get. I never know wether they are genuine or just giving me plain bs. And thats exactly how its with him. Im still not good detecting if hes talk comes straight from the heart or if its all a big pretend.
I talked with one of my good friend who came over on Sunday that I have the problem of thinking that all people should be like me. Think like me, meaning that they should have same values and same codes of conduct as I do. And in nowadays world, its hardly the case. I feel sometimes that Im alone in this. I dont really know why my way of thinking of what is right is so different from the others.
And the main difference between me and him is that I dont play with people. So I guess its like a "crusade" for me to show him that what he does is wrong. Last night I was already in bed and I was thinking. When I lay in my bed before I sleep, I like to talk out loud, to make my thoughts more "visible", if you may. And I was thinking that who am I to tell him how to live his life. Im nobody in that matter. Im no judge, Im no jury. And so I have no reason to be rude no matter what he does, no matter that he did hurt me in the past.
And thus I eliminated him from my life. I just drew a line for myself. Im not going to be a "lone ranger" and fight for justice when its not even needed, when all the problems may just be in my head and stuck in the way I think about the world and relationships. I dont want to be rude to people even though sometimes it may seem other way round. So I removed him from my life because I know very well that my "ranger" can raise its head when I still have him around.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
God works in mysterious ways...
I have seen it happen more than once...I mean that more than once I have realized that in certain situations..that His hand was in it...guiding it all. And I am so thankful because He has kept me from making serious mistakes that would have made my life way more complicated and I am grateful for having such a support.
I read a blog today that is written by one of my dear old friend. It brought back lots of memories from years back and it made me cry, because he wrote all about how he has thought of me and how I might be doing and wether I needed him to be around or not. And the truth is that I do. I do need him to be around. I havent seen him often these past few years, but he seems to "appear" by my side whenever I need him the most. I talk here about needing him as my strong shoulder but I have no idea wether he somehow needs me aswell...
The weather outside is gloomy and dark. This darkness gets me down. My birthday draws near...nothing happy about that. I will be 26 this year. Getting old. No party (unless someone throws me a party) because I just have something small for my family. Most of my friends are all over Estonia and Europe.... Call me lazy, call me whatever.
So, Dear Void. What should I wish for my birthday?
I read a blog today that is written by one of my dear old friend. It brought back lots of memories from years back and it made me cry, because he wrote all about how he has thought of me and how I might be doing and wether I needed him to be around or not. And the truth is that I do. I do need him to be around. I havent seen him often these past few years, but he seems to "appear" by my side whenever I need him the most. I talk here about needing him as my strong shoulder but I have no idea wether he somehow needs me aswell...
The weather outside is gloomy and dark. This darkness gets me down. My birthday draws near...nothing happy about that. I will be 26 this year. Getting old. No party (unless someone throws me a party) because I just have something small for my family. Most of my friends are all over Estonia and Europe.... Call me lazy, call me whatever.
So, Dear Void. What should I wish for my birthday?
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