Its Pizzatime!

Yes, I ordered a pizza over a veeery long time. And it was really good. From Moka. Hes friends brother is a chef there so we probably got some extra topping for our pizza. And it was quick too. To be honest, I dont remember when was the last time I ordered something like this, food I mean. I remember ordering a pizza on my 13th birthday when my friends were all over for the party. The pizza I ate today was way better than then. Of course, this one was actually made today. Not made days ago and then thrown in the deep-freezer and then to the microwave. And this delicious pizza didnt cost that much at all. And the delivery guy was eating me with his eyes when I went down to get the pizza, that was actually hilarious. I had to keep myself from not laughing. And because of this, I got the pizza cheaper than it really cost. So heres the thing, order a pizza, and when you go and receive it, wear a tight tee.:P
And now I probably should go and let some bread go to my bones, if you are estonian, you get the drift:P

Just one month left...

Exactly. Just one month left til I graduate university. Then one big period of my life will be over. Its like a step into an adulthood because until you study something, you are in a way still considered to be a child. Of course I will always be a child for my parents, but thats not what I ment. I want to be on my own so much. I want to have my own home with all those things I want to have in there. I know that in the beginning theres not going to be that much in my home, but all the things that would be there, they would be mine and have meaning to me. I want to be the mistress of the house:P Because when you have your own home, you also have a big responsibility and Im not afraid of that. I had that for a year when I lived in Ireland and we did just fine. We managed everything. I just feel that my life hasnt truly started yet as long as I still live under the same roof with my parents. I love them very much, but I want to have my own little home.
You know how they say that always expect the unexpected. And they also say that when you dont have high hopes and expectations, you dont get disappointed. But its totally impossible for me to live like this, that I have no expectations at all. What comes to my close ones, of course I have hopes. And I dont like the feeling when people abandon me. You may be busy and have crazy times but when I see u abandon me, then I get pissed. Coz I havent done anything to deserve it. And then I abandon you right back. I have learned one thing, if you havent got that close to me (yet) then if you mistreat me, I turn my back and leave. I have been steadily learning my worth. I know what Im worth and if you dont appreciate it, you just have to be without me. Call me cocky, call me emotionless, but thats just the no shit attitude that I gotta have sometimes.

As usual.

The morning has been absolutely amazing. I stepped out of my home, I felt kind of dizzy, you know the feeling like you are still dreaming and walking around with eyes still full of sleep. The sun was shining in the clear blue sky, birds were singing and cool air brushed my cheeks. Sunlight was glistening on the puddles and I just felt such peace. As crazy as it may sound, I like to walk around alone and have conversations in my head:D I mean that I walk and theres noone around me, sometimes I sing almost silently and sometimes I talk with someone whos not actually there with me but I wish they would be so I tell them all those things I would want to say to them. And believe it or not, it clears my head so well. I get so many things straight inside and such clarity.Few days ago I thought about whats my purpose in life and I wrote some of my thoughts here too. Maybe its weird or even wrong to seek purpose in every person whos in your life. But at least for now and for me, it makes things easier and it works, it really works for me. Even all the people who want to harm me, like Her, theres a purpose. I dont see That purpose fully yet, but its slowly coming.
And I also talked about friendship. As I have stated here before, I dont believe in true friendship between man and woman. It can only happen if one of them is gay or either they already had a history together and the breakup has been peaceful, meaning that they both equally agree that this wasnt working. And on cases where theres no sexual attraction what so ever(believe it or not, you just dont have it with some people and thats it). On all the other cases when you think that you can be friends with opposite sex, FORGET IT. Its not going to work. Believe me, I know what Im talking about. And about myself, all my male friends fall under those categories I just stated. On other cases, theres always an attraction and possibilities for friendship to develope into something else. So people should not give eachother crap about how they just want to find new friends from opposite sex. This is way too slippery way, believe me :D
P.S. my sis told me yesterday that people who see dreams in colour (not retro black and white:P) are creative and emotional people. What do you think dear Void?

Looking over the fence...

Today is mothersday here and once again I feel bloated of all the food and everything.
Yes, Im looking over the fence to my neighbours yard. Just a figure of speech, you all know it. The grass is always greener in your neighbours yard. I used to say it all the time. Now I keep doing it myself and I cant seem to get rid of that.
He asked me today that what do I want him to do for things to go better. And I honestly answered that I dont know. I dont have a clue. First of all, I dont know for sure whats wrong with me in the first place. Maybe theres just too much going on in my life at the moment that its better to wait til I actually manage to finish some things and then I see if I start to see the bigger picture. Lets hope I will.
Good night to you, my dear Void.

Big Owner.

I like to own people. I know it sounds pretty bad. Maybe its my way to feel secure around people. When Im said to be special, I like those people to act up to their words. And when they dont, Im not going to take them as seriously as I would if things were other way round.
Maybe its stupid. I know that I have no right what so ever to feel like that towards some people. I cant own them. But I guess this owning feeling makes me feel safe that I wouldnt get stabbed in a back.
When did I became so fragile and so unstabile? Im just too darn afraid to put myself on the line again. I hope this change in me is not for good. Because I, for all the people should know how important is personal freedom. I need plenty of that myself (of course not when I decide to give myself and my freedom away for someone). I need my wings, so why I want the people who are close to me hand me theirs? Because Im a loony and allergic to lies, I need no shit from nobody, so sue me!

May and philosopy

I have just come home from the Mothersday parties I had at work today. They were absolutely awesome :) in one play I had to be the big bad wolf. Those who know me, you can decide wether I suit to be that, but well..
I started to think about friendship today. I dont even know where to start unrolling the thread of my mind. I know that there are people who all the time are searching for new people and new friends. Im not like that. I love my existing friends. I have some friends, who I have had for years and time is what makes the relationship strong. But some people keep anxiously looking for someone or something new. I dont know if they really know themselves what that something or who that someone is. And those people may say that they care for you and they love you but you see them constantly looking for more, something they probably cant explaine themselves. But how thats supposed to look in my eyes? It makes me feel that Im not all that that I thought I was. And that keeps cracking the trust I have for those people. And what comes to relations..I dont like when the candle is being burnt from the both ends.
I like my pilosophy on having people around me. I accept what life brings me. If life and God has decided to send someone my way, it means theres a purpose for all this. I believe that we all have our purpose in life, a mission. We have that purpose about our own life and we also serve a purpose in other peoples lives. Sometimes serving that purpose is short-term, sometimes its lifelong. But we never know. So I accept all those people who are sent into my life as friends and also as enemies. They all have a purpose. And thats why I dont spend my time deliberately looking for people to be in my life. If they happen to come, then thats how its ment to be.
What do you think dear Void?