manipulations....

I couldnt believe how manipulative people can be. And She is the mistress of manipulations. How she pretends to be my friend and then stabbes me in my back. Yesterday when I was at her place, I was all shaken from this all, I really was. And aready then I found it weird that she didnt seem to be sad at all, and she even said that she hasnt shed a single tear because of it all. While I had cried an ocean.
I just wonder how could I make my husband see that this woman is just manipulating with both of us and wants to destroy our marriage. I wonder if its all just a game for her? Maybe when He divorces me, she says: that was much fun for me, bye. Then what? Then its too late to fix anything anymore.
I just want my husband to finally open his eyes and see what a 4-faced, manipulative, lying bitch she is and then make his conclusion.
Ohh....sometimes I just wish that someone killed me.

Silence

I dont know what to think. You know the decision that my husband has to make. He has to choose between ME - wife, known more than 2 years, knows me, I love him, our families are bonded and etc. and theres HER - known for 4 months, isnt sure about her feelings, doesnt like her attitude, doesnt know her, isnt sure about his feelings about her, isnt sure about their future and so on.
Thats exactly the choice he has to make. You might say that its pretty obvious who is He going to pick. Im not sure about anything. I asked him that do you think there is a future for you and her even if you get rid of me by divorce? Because he has to leave the country when he divorces me and go back home to Pakistan. I asked him that is He sure that She will follow him to Pakistan? He said that no, he is not sure. If I was in that situation, I wouldnt think twice. I wouldnt in a world lay my marriage on a line for something 50/50 situation. There is no win-win situation here. He has to think about gain and loss from both sides. Is he going to gain more than hes going to lose when he leaves me? I think he will lose more than there is to gain.
I had a long conversation in msn with her yesterday where She said that She can find another man and fall in love again after being sad for a while, but I cant walk away that easily.... She sounds sincere when I talk with her, we are both women and we think alike. But I cant fully trust her, because her mind is like a wind, it can change in a minute, She has shown it to me and Him on so many occasions...I just dont know...
And I know that I can go on and on with my ranting (although Im not angry or anything) but Im just too tired of this all. I wish He would end it soon, no matter what.

And one very good news, My Buddy Butch contacted me yesterday and I called on that number again and he answered :) and we talked almost 45 minutes, I would have talked more, but I had a piano lesson coming on with one little boy. It really felt soooo good to talk with him, like good old times....and I hope that I get to talk with him really soon again.. I wonder when is his next day off...??

Waiting again...

Im waiting again. This time Im waiting for Him to find himself and find out what he wants from life. Is it going to be me or her. And as I have previously stated here on this blog, I absolutely hate waiting.
I understand that he needs to take some time off from work and not see me or her. Well, this is going to be difficult because they work together.
I just dont know what to think. I wonder what has bigger value in his eyes, 1, 5 months with her or 2 years of being together and married with me. I really dont know. We talked about things last evening and He said that he doesnt want to let either of us go. But He cant keep us both. He has to make a choice for good. I said him that in life, maybe thats the first really tough decision that you have to make but life is full of them and you cant keep running away from them. And life is all about making compromises. You just cant have it all. He was really sad yesterday. You might not believe it, but I understand him, that he has feelings for both of us.
I just told him that think ahead. Think about the future, not just about the present moment. And to think through all the aspects before you make your final decision.

Is this the end..?

Dear Void...Im totally broken now...and I have the feeling that this is the end of my life and my marriage. You know, I have told you that he has lied to me too much. Well, last night he was totally honest with me. And that broke me. I could do nothing else but cry. I havent cried that much in my life before.
And I cant do anything to fix my marriage. Thats so hard for me. That I just sit here and do nothing and watch everything fall apart. And what comes to lying, He should have come to me and tell me the truth what he was going through months ago, not now. Now He has already created a snowball effect. Like everything, the truth comes like a bigbig heap of snow and buries me.
And you know. I would like to tell him. You know, maybe we got married too soon. But thats where we are now. You are married and start acting like married man. Sometimes in life you cant do as you feel. You have to do what is right. I know that he loved me very much when he married me. I know that. But he has changed so much since we moved here. And I believe it was a grave mistake to move here. He is not the same man I married. The environment here and people here (coz all of his friends are single) have changed him. He wants to act like a single man. He doesnt want to be married, he is not ready to committ.
And He has given the love for me to Her, because she is new and interesting and...I have to be honest...all they are having is exactly how things were with me and Him in the beginning.
But sometimes you just have to do the right thing. You are married, live with it. We can fix things eventually, I believe that. Because he still loves me in a way. He just needs to accept that he is married. Because marriage is not something you throw away when you dont feel like being married anymore. Be a grown up and accept the facts. But maybe he is not grown up enough yet...

Evilllll....

Like how evil can people be??
Yeahh...Im talking about Him, alright. You know, dear Void, what I discovered today. Well the story is abit longer than I can say in few words, but here it goes. I used to have a veryvery good friend in US and we talked like 2 years. But when I moved to Ireland, then we kinda lost contact. And now I wanted to find him again and just to have few words because I saw him in my dream the other night. The case is that my friend used to live in Brooklyn, NY but moved to small town in MA and I didnt know anything about his presence living place. So I did research in internet and I got one address and a phone number that may be his. Supposedly they are. I didnt dare to call the first day. I dont know why I got nervous about this....anyways..I got myself together today that now I feel like calling him, since I have the number and everything in my mobile phone.
BUT
Yesterday He asked to borrow my phone when He went out and today when I was about to call my friend in US .....the number was gone from my phone.... HE had gone throught my things in the mobile and deleted all...his address and number and everything....and today when I found out, I was like WHATTA F####!!!
Really...what was that for??
But luckily...I searched for the number again...and I have called on that number..but noone has picked it up. But I keep calling til someone picks it up, then I would know if it is his number at all or not.

Mistake

I made a mistake. And Im not afraid to admit it. I should have had more trust in him than I did. But still, I believe that I had a valid reason for doing what I did, although I regret it now. You know the feeling of something taking over you and you cant think straight.
Im glad that things were not as I thought they were. I was already about to think that nothing has changed. I really should think more about my relationship and what he needs and what I need.
I understand his point that he needs his own space too. I totally understand and I agree. But that doesnt justify his lying to me. If theres one thing I truly hate, its lying and concealing the truth. Some people say that concealing is not lying, but I believe it is. Because its still not telling the truth. He said that he had a good reason for lying to me. Theres never a reason good enough to justify lying to the person you love.
I should start going out more often, getting my own space. I figured that since he is working long hours and he considers his colleagues as his friends, thats also getting space and time away from me. But as it comes out now, He needs his space and when Im there, its not relaxing and he cant unwind. But in that case, he better choose good ways of relaxing, not the ones he has chosen so far....

Whats going on with me??

I really dont know how its possible that all my trust and self-confidence can shatter in a moment. Small things can break it and Im back being the stupid, suspecting and pathetic me.
I need to be loved. I need to be shown that Im loved. I need it so badly...I dont know what should I do with myself....I just feel down and tired of the feeling that I need to deserve that love. I know I deserve to be loved.
I miss company, I miss talking and actually sharing my life with someone...I wih things could go back as they were...but if it goes, it takes time before things could be the same...

I have some free time in the coming few weeks. I feel like I need to do something, to break free from this still-life...but I dont know how...

When the going gets tough, the Tough get going!

Its been a while since I wrote here. But now I really have more time for that. I have finished my exam-session for this semester and I must say I got pretty good grades for my exams. Now I have around 2 weeks until my very last semester in university starts.
To be honest, I cant wait to finish school, to finally graduate. I want to feel the same surge of freedom I felt last time, when I took an academic break in the year 2007. I yearn to feel the same freedom again, like you suddenly grow wings and you take the sky....leaving all the heavy burden behind.
They say that when going gets tough, the Tough get going. Maybe it would be the smart thing to do. Maybe only foolish people stay and run headfirst into the problem-battle. Smart ones sit behind the corner, working on a strategy.... so they could come and defeat all their problems at once. I want to get smart.
I recently got together with one of my old friends. He is really Something. We havent seen eachother for almost like 4 years and now we just got in contact and I went to visit him. He is still the same person, although changed, for older and wiser version. And I have changed too, of course. Some people might find him in a way intimidating, but I know better inside. He just knows how to listen, I mean really listen. Not like normally men could be. They make the "Im listening" face and instead they are thinking about ..I dont know...Beer :D
I consider myself lucky to have a friend like him. Its just what I needed in this time-period.

Who am I living for..?

Thats the question I have found myself thinking about recently and not just once. Who am I living for? For someone else or me? Well, to be honest, I feel that lately I have been living for someone else, for everybody else but myself. I have been so busy with trying to impress other people for the sake of my own wellbeing and safety... and to be honest Im so tired of that... But I feel that I cant stop that now, I have to carry on until I feel safe.
I know you cant make someone love you if they dont. But can you make someone love you more than they do at the moment?? I dont know what Im trying to prove here, I just cant stand the thought that the love He has for me is not that big as it used to be before. Before, the world was full of that love...and now...Im afraid to ask. I know that he loves me, but that is not really the question.
and Im being The Queen Of Paranoia lately. I feel that all the bad emotions inside are growing smaller and going more numb as days go by...I hope some day they are that numb that I cant notice and feel them inside me anymore...
And just now!! I realised one thing! The answer to the question why Im so shaken from this all!! Im so shocked and shaken and my peace of mind is gone for just one reason - I thought that the thing that happened, that this could NEVER EVER happen to me.. like...I still cant believe that it actually happened. Well I KNOW that it did...but its the fact that you read about these things all the time and think that welll, that will never happen to me, because my relationship and love and everything are so stabile and sound. BUT...when it happens...BOOOM!! all your glass-castle is shattered and you just cant believe what just happened. YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU!
And to be honest, I was like that too. And thats what hurts that I was so sure about his love and devotion so I just didnt see it coming from anywhere....
But Im growing stronger day by day.

Happy!? New Year

So the new year is here. year 2009. I truly hope this year will be a new start for me and Him. Im giving my best to have the trust and I do trust him. And I love him the most in the world. I didnt know that its even possible to love someone like this.. I told him that I do trust him but I dont trust Her one bit. But I try to cope..and get over my fears. And I try to find my peace of mind that I once had. Though I have no idea where should I seek it.
I feel mentally unstabile, I dont know whats happened to me, I can burst into tears, not knowing why....
Listen to Nina Simone "For a while"..its a great song. Its not about my situation at all, but I kind of relate to it at the moment.