Be silent, my brain!

Im ill, once again. This time something completely different. But that is not what I wanted to tell you my Dear Void. Im troubled. Im not IN trouble, just troubled. Thinking too much. I can say that about myself more often that I would like. I have a strange habbit of overworking my brain, ending up more confused than I was before. Weird, isnt it?

I had a long conversation with my father yesterday. I was feeling ill and nauseous and then he called me and said that he would really like to talk to me sometimes, one on one. We started the conversation on Sunday, which quickly turned into his monologue and I didnt get to say a word. Just sat there trying to make those tears that I tried to hold back (some managed to escape my eyes) as less noticeable as I could. I just sat there. My mom excused herself at one point and when she came back to the table, I still hadnt got the chance to say anything. I just sat there like a statue. Weeping statue.

I told my dad yesterday that I will end up crying again and I rather not do that in public. Dont get me wrong, I couldnt care less who saw me crying. Im in that point of my life where I give no importance what complete strangers might think about me. I just dont want to be in a place where I cant bawl in peace when I feel like it.

Why is it like that, you may ask? Its because...Im not happy the way I am and I dont mean my looks or personality or anything of that sort. I feel I need to change something. And I have been thinking about things recently. No, not recently. I have been pondering about things for half a year already. And I told my parents that I think about leaving. Leaving my country, going somewhere else. I should have known what followed that statement.

I know my dad has his beliefs and he told me that he sees that Im unhappy. He tossed me some ideas what I could do. Mostly about my work. Because lets face it, the biggest reason I think about leaving is that I soon wont make ends meet. And when one of my friends who makes egg-cartons makes almost half more than I make, that just makes me sad. No offence to people who make egg-cartons or any other work. I just wanted to draw a parallel with how little teachers (Im a teacher) are appreciated here.

My fathers main point seems to be that I need to do something with my talent. Give back to the society. Contribute. But truth to be told, contributing to society doesnt weigh up my personal happiness, the feeling of  being content with myself. Of course its great and I find those people extremely admirable. But I really dont think about that when I need to worry if I manage to pay my bills or having to use creditcard to buy milk and bread at the end of the month.
And for illustrating this, I give you Maslows pyramid of needs. If nothing I wrote here made sense, maybe that helps you to understand.

Just now finished another call with my dad. This time he talked about the balance between my expenses and income.
I dont know how I make it clear to him that I dont see my future happening here. There are many reasons, money being not the only one. And Im not talking about getting rich, Im not that naive that I believe that someone is waiting for me abroad with a pot of gold. Im talking about money as a tool.

But enough for now. I feel nauseous. And this is probably too long for anybody to read...

Lady Butterfingers.

Yes. Butterfingers. Thats me. I have been dropping things like crazy. All evening yesterday. My friends were laughing because we were cooking and I kept dropping spoons and icecubes and tomatoes (though I WAS juggling with those at that moment). And they kept asking me wether I was under the influence which I wasnt.

I had a horrible day on Thursday. Instead of going to work, I had an appointment at the hospital for MRT brain scan. I thought it was something quick and easy. I couldnt have been more wrong. They stuck me in that darn machine for 35 minutes, gave me the panic button and earphones saying that it will be little loud in there. That was a complete and utter understatement. It sounded like paving drill and a worst dubstep beat met eachother right next to my ears. It was horrendous and Im not exaggerating.
And the nurse told me that I couldnt move anything while being in there. So I tried to be brave. It was hard. Near the end I had tiny nerve-twiches and tears were flowing down my face and I didnt want to press the panic-button because then I had to go through that ordeal again.

And after all that, getting up and feeling completely noise-nauseous, I had to go to work. Yay for me.

But it got better in the evening. I came home, made  cheesecake which turned out to be fabolous and was the star of yesterdays evening.
Here you can see the recipe along with many other awesome ones. Follow the cake-trail...

Quiet morning

My dear Void, its really so quiet here. And I dont live in the middle of nowhere in a little hut. I live in an area of block-buildings. I live in a 5-storey house with over 100 apartments and yet its so quiet that you can hear a pin drop. Maybe its so quiet because its so early. I dont mean that on other mornings its a bustling place here like a marketplace in Cairo but its little eery, not even cars passing outside.

I dont know what happened to me yesterday, I was yawning all day at work. And my work is not really a desk-job. I dont work in an office, Im constantly on the move (and yawning). So I came home,  had something to eat and around 8pm I went to bed. I honestly thought that I was going to read for a while and then sleep. Wrong. As soon as my head touched the pillow, I was out. I did try to read, I have my absolute favourite book on my improvised nightstand (I can read that book over and over again and every time find something new, its really amazing). Frances Mayes "Under the Tuscan Sun". Maybe you have heard about  it, they even made a movie about it, but I can assure that the book is way better, because its impossible to cram all that, ALL that into a 1,5 hour movie. And some key things are different in the movie, they needed to add some things for the sake of suspense and action. Book is wonderful, I strongly recommend you read it.

Just take a look, you may fall in love. I wish I could go there one day. To actually see where it all took place in the book.

Gravity

My dear Void, listen to this song. I believe that after this all my words that follow are completely unnecessary. This is the song that ties my feelings into one messy bundle and finishes it off with a bow.

My dear Void, have you ever had someone in your life that makes you weak in the knees, who turns all your insides into jelly? Its someone who can lift you up with one finger and bring you crashing down in a blink of an eye. Someone who you have never had any physical contact, someone you have never seen face to face yet who has unexplainable power over you.
I have felt it.

I have felt it really close, so close it burns. I thought I was over it. And when I walked away all this time ago, I actually felt some sort of a relief because somehow it had been immense burden on me. All those raging emotions, those intoxicating highs and those unbearably painful lows, it had all worn me out. I struggled to break free and a brief moment of luck, you gave me a perfect excuse. I escaped and I left you behind.

I dont know why you came back. You said that even though all this time has passed, you couldnt get me out of your head. What right do you have to come back and turn me into a mush again? I tried to be careful this time. Short whirlwind and you are gone again. Hopefully never to be seen again in my life.
Its not that I wouldnt want the thrills of the rollercoaster and the highs, Im afraid of the lows, my heart cannot bear it. I showed myself to you, who I am this time over all those years we have known eachother. Completely naked, revealed the depth of my soul to you and told you that I cannot do this, not this time.
Hope life treats you well, my kryptonite.

Quiet afternoon

Im ill.

Already for a week I have felt the difficulty and pain in swallowing and on monday evening the throat pain was accompanied by fever. I got a doctors appointment and she put me on sick-leave on tuesday. So its already thursday afternoon and I have been sitting at home for the 3rd day. Dont get me wrong, I admit its a little boring, but I do like being at home. No matter where I happen to live, I make it as much "homey" as possible, so I always like to spend my time there.

So here I am, luckily no fever in sight, having the most fragrant peppermint tea. I had some generic peppermint tea in teabags but you cannot really compare it to the dried peppermint herbs one of my colleagues gave me in a giftbag on my birthday. From her own garden. Thats the true essence of herbal tea. Tea that doesnt lose its greenish-golden colour and turn to mucky brown in 2 minutes after removing the teabag from the cup. Tea that is perfect the way it is, no need to add sugar or honey. Just tea not plain, though simple. Cheers!

One song that dont stop resonating with me when I listen. Dear Void, what do you think of it?

Surreal reality

My Dear Void. You have no idea what happened to me yesterday. I still feel little funny about it.

I had just finished a long call with my mum when my phone rang 10 minutes later. I thought to myself that oh, she must have forgotten something but it wasnt her. It was him, who I had eliminated from my life few months ago (and it wasnt the first time), I thought I was seeing wrong, seeing his name pop up on the screen of my phone.

We talked. We talked for quite some time. About painful things in the past and he actually appologized for being an asshole. That was a surprise. First of all because of this " Im sorry that I was a complete asshole"-thing and for the fact that he called me because I remember how we parted ways all those months ago. With a big bang, big argument, as usual, him saying that he thinks we shouldnt talk at all anymore and me, as a response, deleting him from everywhere (but my phone, obviously).

And I didnt sleep well last night, I didnt see him in my dreams, but they were really scattered and my throat hurt so bad that every time I made the swallowing motion, I was in serious pain and I kept waking up. I will call a doctor today and get an appointment.

But back to him. It feels really weird, because I managed to get by without him in my life, I already got used to it and now here he comes, kicks the door open with appologies and a big smile and probably expects everything to be the same how they were when we parted ways...

Happy New Year

I was sure that I wasnt going to write here tonight. I was feeling rather down for some unknown reason, I dont know why such moments turn me into a real party-pooper. But here I am, sitting in the middle of the firework cracks and thinking to myself, feeling the sadness dissolve in the fireworks, having good memories, some bittersweet ones from the year thats gone for me already, since its past midnight here. I have this feeling in my heart, like kids have before the Christmas Day, before running downstairs and opening the presents, not being sure what could be there inside the colourful boxes. Thats how I feel right now. Anticipation. Happy one, towards this new year full of excitement, challenges, laughter, tears, joy and happiness.
So here from the snow and cold Estonia, I wish you, my Dear Void the happiest new year and I will go to bed now to listen to the lullaby of the firecrackers.