After Christmas...

You know, Dear Void, I have decided something. I decided that if I want to be happy with what I've got and with who I've got at the moment, I have to make a closure about certain things in my life. I have to start trusting again. I know its not easy for me to do, but at least I have to try, I have to give Him a chance to prove himself again. And with that I also have to take the risk of getting hurt again. I sincerely hope that this does not ever happen.
I have to try to put the negative emotions behind me and focus on the positive what I got at the moment. And knowing my over-active imagination and conscious, thats not an easy task for me at all.
Yesterday I was singing in one church concert and suddenly I felt peace flowing into me. I realized that if I want to be happy and if I want to see things going for the better, I have to let things go, all those hurtful things that used to tear me apart, I have to let them go. (and hope that history doesnt repeat itself). but I have to take that chance.
With his help and love, i know that Im able to put things behind me, eventually...

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve

Its almost a week from my last post that I did here. Things have changed around here, mostly positive. He is back with me and he has dumped Her. I dont know if I can describe this feeling "happy", because we still have some issues to work on and what we need to solve and I surely have many questions left (maybe those questions are that kind of let-me-torture-myself-some-more questions, but I honestly prefer knowing to not knowing) but I definately feel huge relief that now the way is clear for us to work out our things. And about these questions..Im not actually sure how should I ask them. I tried this already yesterday...but then He said that why you want to hurt yourself..but I feel that I would be better if I knew for sure...at least i wouldnt have all those questions in my heart and mind....
And tomorrow is our second Christmas together, first one in Estonia, with all my family. And its gonna be a snowy Christmas. And all the people who dont have that, well, eat your heart out! :P
Naah..Im not meanie, but Im truly happy to spend this family-holiday with my family, the ones I love the most.
Though in a way I miss Ireland, where we spent out first Christmas together. There was something magical about Christmas in Ireland. Not in general, but the people were in a way different about it. I remember all the nice people I met in Ireland. So heres the good chance to send best holiday wishes to all the nice folks in Shanagolden, County Limerick! :)
But if you want to get a hint of what I mean with this magic in Christmas then listen to my all time favourite Christmas song:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ev94MQ9KQUs

There are lyrics aswell, so feel free to sing along:) Merry Christmas!

Something good at last??

Few days ago..He told me first time over 2 months...that He loves me and misses me. He sounded over the phone like old-Him...I was truly surprised...
But the same time, as much as my heart would want to believe all this...my head warns me to still be careful, just in case its all a big pretend...
I hope everything will fall in place when he comes back on Saturday.
Today was my last schoolday before Christmas holidays..and tomorrow is one of my highschool deskmates birthday:))

I dont know where to stand...

Things have become more stabile for me. He even said that He missed me. I want so much to believe him. He doesnt want to talk about the problem issues with me over the phone. In a way I dont want that either but there are just tooo many questions that need to be answered. Since I have waited for so long, the last one week doesnt matter anymore. Next week same time + one hour, he will be back home.
We really need to sit down and discuss everything. I doubt that we are going to do that in the same evening, but the next day is reserved for that sit-down. We need to be calm and talk everything throught how things are going to be in the future, because the way they were before....it cant continue like that. Maybe he wishes it to be so, but this was just ridiculous from my point of view and I dont think She would be happy too...but to look the truth in the eye, this all before...it was really comfy for him. But this has to end. He has to choose.
I saw a weird dream last night. I have been sleeping bad last few night...i have been having my night-thingys again...no wonder.
I saw my good friend from USA, sadly we dont talk anymore....anyways. I saw him in my dreams and he was having a woman there...and weird thing about it was that she was Estonian, like me...although I was the first estonian he had ever met..not exactly met coz we never saw face to face...
But it surely was weird, because all the dreams that I have ever had about him and his life have been weird...and with...complex meaning... Maybe I saw him because at times I miss talking with him a lot. I remember that once, before even knowing much about him and where he lives, I saw a dream about him. I saw a seaside, beach and I remember that when I was walking near water...dolphins swam along the coast so I could see them...and I also remember raising my gaze and seeing a huuuuge ferris-wheel....and when I later told him about the dream, he was amazed and said that he lives near Coney Island and theres also delphinarium next to it....

lets see what happens

so I took some days to calm down.
It seems that things are going ok...and He actually did make the decision in MY favour. I just hope that this isnt one of His lies again, that he has been telling her the same thing.
He told me that can they just be friends? I dont think so. First of all, men and woman CANT just be friends without one of them wanting more to happen. Life has proved that clearly. And its absurd, friendship between single woman and married man, that cant ever work, unless shes a lesbian.
I wish he came back sooner, but I have to wait a bit more than one week. Nowadays he is out most of the times I call Him, so I really havent got the chance to talk with him in private, so he would actually concentrate on my words...
In this situation that we have now...theres no half-way going. He has to choose one, and eliminate the other from his life. There cant be any other way.

B-Day

So yes, today is my birthday. Im officially 24 now.
I dont feel as broken today than I did yesterday, although when I think about the letters what he writes to her, it still gets me all shaking in shock. Why do I torture myself?? Whyyy?? Probably I am more masochist than I thought I was.
And he cant even tell me the truth, He just keeps telling me to trust him and that everything is going to be just fine for me. Like the outcome is going to be in my favour.
And heres the other laughing-spot. Trust him? Im not sure I can do that anymore, coz he has lied to me far too much, I just dont believe a damn thing he is saying to me.
Maybe Im just too desperate to belive his words, I soo much want to believe that everything is going to be ok....and to be honest, I can believe, until the next time...

Crushed...

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest...and thrown on the floor...where it does its last twitches...til it dies....
I cant believe how two-faced people can be. They act in your face like everything is going fine and good...and behind your back...its totally different story.
I wonder what is His plan? Act like everything is going to normal again, then come back and give the death-blow? He has given me hope during these last days...but now...theres not possible to hide such things. I will find out anyway....
But gosh...noone told me that it hurts sooo badly....if I had only known how it felt to have your heart torn into pieces....I would have never....ever done what I did....
Tell me, dear Void, is it right to stand in the way of what they suppose is love? What about my LOVE?? And then to find out all the lies there has been said....
Im just a vegetable now, just waiting and sitting here...but it still hurts so much inside....I almost wish I could cut my heart out to only stop it hurting.....
and tomorrow Im 24. Happy frickin Birthday to me...

silence before the storm..or not?

I feel more at ease compared to the last days. I dont even want to think back to the last weeks and all the things that I had to go through. I dont know yet if they have made me a stronger person. Maybe. I feel that the worst is over now. I have done my crying and now I can take it more reasonably and just think things through without being hysterical (actually I refuse to believe that I acted like that during these few weeks passed).
One of my best friends told me one day that I am too good person and that I deserve better. And today I read somwhere online that too good people get screwed all the time! Why is that?? People can mess with us coz they know that they can get away with it???
And when I think about it..that may just be it. They mess with us coz they know we are not going to say anything or do anything to stop them, coz we are too good and think about others feeling too much.
That sucks!
And I may be pissed about this now, but well...it all comes down to the fact that I am TOO GOOD (to be true maybe :D) And I try to do the right thing, coz I tend to have this extremely active conscience. And to be honest, I hate the feeling of guilt and asking myself the question: what if...?? Coz you never know anymore...

I hate waiting

I absolutely hate waiting. Especially when theres nothing I can do to influence why Im waiting. I know that people want to be in charge of everything in this world and when something is suddenly out of their hands, they feel helpless. So do I. Im used to dealing with my issues, I have been in charge of my life. But now its not the case. Something else will decide my future and theres nothing I can do to turn it in my favour so I just have to wait. Patiently. And Im not the most patient person in the world. And Im not stupid aswell. I wont go poking things to much, it may cause more harm than good to me. But I cant help wondering about it all. I keep turning things round and round in my head, looking into many different possibilities what could possibly happen if things go either this or that way. And I have to admit, its not helping me much. My brain tends to get even more tangled and I feel uneasy. I just dont seem to want to let things go for a while, to give this control to someone else. But I know very well that I have to. This time.
Maybe its because I keep thinking that I know whats best for me and I know how to achieve this. Maybe not this time. Its not up to me anymore, I can only keep on praying and hoping that my prayers get answered.
I read somewhere that its not right to ask God strenght, you rather have to ask God to help you find the way to be strong. God cant do everything for you, He can only help you to be better and stronger.
Just keep faith!