Early summer heatwave.

 My dear Void. I am literally melting. All the water that I consume makes its way out through my pores. Awful. I so don´t like being sweaty and sticky. But I guess its one of the pleasures of summer. I have been trying to find light and loose clothes without them being see-through. Here its much more different than in London. One colleague already asked why I am wearing leggings under my dress with this heat. I just brushed it off because I know its no point getting into that conversation when some people here walk around with their tops and bottoms hanging out.

I have been dead tired these past few days, wrapping up my last parties at work. Couldn´t even sleep properly 2 nights ago. Last evening I fell to bed like a dead wood and I slept like a log (excuse the punny pun) though my dreams were not as peaceful in bed as my body seemed. I saw my ex in my dreams, who tried to convince me that he is not as nuts as he actually is. I woke up early and had the feeling for a split second as if I was back there.

I will take a little trip down the memory lane this August (mind you, only the pleasant ones allowed). I will visit my favourite places and be a tourist in my former hometown. When I think about it now, I get bit hollow in my stomach, as if I will make my return there to my former life. I know I have done such great things here for myself. I have been healing, my body and will continue working on my soul. I also hope to find love. Something that I have been missing all these years. Different kind of love. Slow love. Kind and non-pushy love. Love that accepts me as I am. Hope is alive. Always.

To put things into perspective..

 My Dear Void. You are like an old friend of mine who I have truly abandoned yet hoping to catch up with as soon as we meet again as if there has never been time apart.

I don´t even know why I keep having these large gaps, those years between before I find it in me to pick up the "pen" again and write here. Its not that I haven´t missed it, I have. But I guess its the same slump in motivation that I keep having in everything. The first step, even repeated one, seems to always be the hardest.

It has really been a while since I last wrote here and, as usual, lot has happened since.

I have left UK, my home for 10 years, and returned to Estonia. It was a decision made after severe struggle with my health, physical and mental, and relationship issues never faced before. Now I am single and trying to find my place again. I feel at ease here. I moved back to my childhood home and I have a job I love. Its not easy by any means to get back on the horse, but you have to do it eventually. Why not tackle the reigns and get back in the saddle.

There is plenty for me to work on, internally, and plenty of things to figure out. I don´t want to start writing all here what has happened to me, especially why I´m back here because its really long story and part of me wants to leave it all behind. Yet I don´t want to forget anything either just in case there`s still a lesson to be leant somewhere between the lines.

So far I find dating again really hard. I have been out of practice for so long and people here are really different. I also feel that my closet is rattling with skeletons trying to break out but mostly I am not ready yet. People don´t seem to be all that taken aback by my tales of my horrid and abusive last relationship and my bananas ex. BUT...I told one person all, because I had the feeling about him. He´s really nice, sensible, good humored and kind. I took a big risk and....I lost. It apparently changed everything for him. Something very personal about me seemed to have nullified all the good things he had learnt about me as a person. Is this how its going to be with every person I decide to trust? It is definitely a place for me to think. But I cannot be upset with him because he has every right to decide what kind of person he wants or doesn´t want. So do I. And I cannot help when for whatever reason I am not the person he would like. It is sad, but I cannot do anything about it. I was hoping though to get the chance to explain myself, I sort of expected some questions or interest about the subject. Him trying to find out, get clarity of the situation but he never asked anything, just seemed to nod his head and leave it at that. Sad.

Need to work on my peace. Working on keeping the peace inside. I still seem to get these low moods, like a grey cloud wrapping itself around me like a blanket. I don´t know what it is. I don´t know why it happens. I need to be kinder to myself, take care of myself more. Read, music, walk, sing, travel. Things that make me happy.