The Day I Got Old.

So here is the day when I can say Im now officially older than a quarter of a century. Today is my 26th birthday. And I have spent it alone. Except when I went out to buy some sugar and coffee.
I remember, I used to wait for my birthdays so much when i was younger. It was always such a waiting. But not anymore. Nobody really wants to get older. Especially when you feel that you havent really achieved much in those years passed. I know I should feel happy but I dont when I got the news that one of my best friend has moved into a house of her own with her lovely family. I felt miserable. And the fact that I felt like that because of some really great news, that made me feel even worse. I feel that everybody elses life is going somewhere but mine is standing still, like it has grown roots. Everybody around me seems to have kids, buy houses, get married and that pisses me off without a reason, really. My life has been slowing down and taking a complete halt. And it all began approximately 2 years ago when my family life collapsed. Since that time, I can tell that much water has flown into the sea, but I still have that feeling of uneasiness about the future.

Moment of silence

I like my weekends nowadays. They are quiet and relaxed and I honestly cant believe how quiet my neighbourhood is. Its already dark. Snowy and cold. I like evenings like that. Yesterday I was coming home from my friends birthday. I got off the bus in downtown because I felt like walking a bit. It was chilly and and the air was crisp. I stood on the market-bridge and looked down into the black water. The thin ice-layers were moving on the surface of the water and I waited to hear them crackle and break against the concrete pillars of the bridge and I caught myself thinking that the sound of the breaking ice...I dont know even how to explain...it somehow gave me comfort. Hearing something break in the silence...something breaking in the silence inside of me.
Before I go to sleep, I open the door to the balcony to let in some air and I always inhale deep. Take this cold wave of air inside, its the feeling of clensing whats inside of me. So in a way its one of my favourite moments in the evening. Standing on the balcony in my PJs and breathing slowly and deeply before closing the door and jumping to bed.

I crave for things nowadays. Mostly edible things:D I would really enjoy some spicy chicken-wings and some nice red wine...

I heard an expression today that: in relationship, the one who loves less is in charge. What do you think about that, Dear Void?

P.S one page kept me really entertained today. http://www.lamebook.com

Old but still childish...

Cant help feeling that I did something of that kind. And in addition, maybe I was a bit rude. Maybe it was his defence mechanism that sprang to work because of what I said. I will never know.
Theres certain type of people who I just dont get. I never know wether they are genuine or just giving me plain bs. And thats exactly how its with him. Im still not good detecting if hes talk comes straight from the heart or if its all a big pretend.
I talked with one of my good friend who came over on Sunday that I have the problem of thinking that all people should be like me. Think like me, meaning that they should have same values and same codes of conduct as I do. And in nowadays world, its hardly the case. I feel sometimes that Im alone in this. I dont really know why my way of thinking of what is right is so different from the others.
And the main difference between me and him is that I dont play with people. So I guess its like a "crusade" for me to show him that what he does is wrong. Last night I was already in bed and I was thinking. When I lay in my bed before I sleep, I like to talk out loud, to make my thoughts more "visible", if you may. And I was thinking that who am I to tell him how to live his life. Im nobody in that matter. Im no judge, Im no jury. And so I have no reason to be rude no matter what he does, no matter that he did hurt me in the past.
And thus I eliminated him from my life. I just drew a line for myself. Im not going to be a "lone ranger" and fight for justice when its not even needed, when all the problems may just be in my head and stuck in the way I think about the world and relationships. I dont want to be rude to people even though sometimes it may seem other way round. So I removed him from my life because I know very well that my "ranger" can raise its head when I still have him around.

God works in mysterious ways...

I have seen it happen more than once...I mean that more than once I have realized that in certain situations..that His hand was in it...guiding it all. And I am so thankful because He has kept me from making serious mistakes that would have made my life way more complicated and I am grateful for having such a support.
I read a blog today that is written by one of my dear old friend. It brought back lots of memories from years back and it made me cry, because he wrote all about how he has thought of me and how I might be doing and wether I needed him to be around or not. And the truth is that I do. I do need him to be around. I havent seen him often these past few years, but he seems to "appear" by my side whenever I need him the most. I talk here about needing him as my strong shoulder but I have no idea wether he somehow needs me aswell...
The weather outside is gloomy and dark. This darkness gets me down. My birthday draws near...nothing happy about that. I will be 26 this year. Getting old. No party (unless someone throws me a party) because I just have something small for my family. Most of my friends are all over Estonia and Europe.... Call me lazy, call me whatever.
So, Dear Void. What should I wish for my birthday?

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when not feeling it. I believe in God even when He is silent.

Sun is there....I remember a song that had the line saying that above the clouds, theres always sunshine. And that can be said about life aswell. Everybody say that you have to survive through the tough times to see the sunshine again. Doesnt it sound familiar? It does. And I try my best to believe it.
But at times its very hard to believe in love when you dont feel it. Its not much help when you hear the words, stating that love...you need to feel it...not just hear. And I hear it more than I have actually seen it proven lately. And that is sad...because more than anything I need to see proof of its existance...because I have reached the state in my life where I need to be able to "touch" things to make sure they are real..
And God can never really be silent. We just need to open our ears and learn to listen, not just talk all the time. Humans are difficult creatures. They only want to receive, not give and they talk more than they listen. And the ability of listening, that is not something that comes naturally, you need to learn how to listen. And its harder than it looks at first...
Sometimes I feel that Im all alone, left without anything to hold on to. And this is not true. God is always there for me and I have got so much support and strenght from Him than you can ever imagine. I just sometimes wonder what are the right things to pray for. But during this last year of difficult time, I think I have it figured out..
Its all about this saying: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they dont, they never were.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

Thats not true. Words are more likely to hurt you that sticks and stones. Its weird, how you can recall many things that people have said to you in the past very accurately..sometimes the weirdest lines or dialogues echo in your head.
I seem to do this blogging in "waves". I do it for a while and then put it aside for months until I feel like writing again. Its not because nothing happens in my life but I just dont feel like writing sometimes and moulding my thoughts into words. Because sometimes its easier to just think. Havent you felt sometimes that when you say your thoughts out loud, they became more real?
Last time I wrote here I said that I finally have that moment what they mean in saying: What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. Yes, it does. But it also drains all energy out of your body and soul. And then you have to find a way to "recharge" yourself. Truth to be told, I havent found that way yet.
My summer vacation time is almost over. 1,5 weeks to go and then its back to work. I dont want to. Its not that I dont love what I do, but I just dont want to. I much rather just lay at home and be a vegetable. But thats not one of the options. I have to start planning my work-things soon. But I do it when my vacation-time is over. I dont think I have much to do at work until september.
My marriage is in standstill. We do get along just fine. Still apart in many ways..hoping to get some professional help soon and then we see if things can really be fixed between us. One thing that really scares me is that I have lost almost all hope in this. Im so tired of pushing it all alone that I may not be able to keep it together for much longer. I yearn for things He cannot give me. And it leaves me all emtpy and aching inside. But Im still holding on.

Waiting for something to happen...

Yes, dear Void...I am waiting for something to happen. Something good. I feel peace inside of me and I believe it all to be thanks to one special person, who has pushed me for quite some time already to finally feel good about myself and my life. Thank you.
Spring is here, its really warm outside...it has been like this for some days already. And I am finally done with the Mothersday parties at work. They all went fine, though I was nervous, especially with 2 year olds..:)) but they did great:)
Am I finally understanding this, what they say that what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger..?

I want the world to know that I dont have any fears...though I get scared sometimes..

These are the lines of one song that I really like. And I have made quite many conclusions about my situations in life through music. I think I will always relate my life with music and songs.
I have rediscovered few artists from my past and it feels really invigorating to listen the messages in these songs again and think back what it used to mean to me back then and what associations it brings right now, right this very moment. And then compare how the way I think and the way I feel have changed over the time.
I believe that the life is constant growth. And I have been growing (sometimes I have been forced to grow) in these past few years a lot. Sometimes I feel that I have become totally different person. And that makes me sad at times.
I met one good friend of mine a week ago. We sat down in The Godfathers and had a latte and tried to remember when was the last time we sat and talked like this. And then it came out that it was 1,5 years ago. Both of us were in awe..of how time can fly so fast. I told him aswell that I think that I have changed alot but he said that I havent changed that much. That Im still me. The same person he got to know all those years ago. Maybe not that naive anymore and much more grownup, but still me.
I went to cinema today with Him. It was great but in a way still confusing. At times I got these flashbacks in his behaviour of how He used to be when we were still happy and living in Ireland. I hope it continues to go better. And Im gonna give him some choices and ultimatums when we meet next time on tuesday.
One new discovery I have made is a group named Gaelic Storm. They are US based, but they have this irish twist in their music. I guess that just shows how much I miss Ireland.

P.S And what comes to having fears..I want to believe that Im managing to let go of mine..and let some air into my mind and soul and release all the heaviness and see that theres actually nothing to be afraid of when you have people around you who love you to bits.

Voiceless songbird

I have lost most of my voice and I know that it will be totally gone by the end of the day. I have almost done all of my work, straining my voice but I will manage.
Yesterday was my grandmothers big jubilee birthday party. I have always said that I am a good actor. Turns out Im not as good as I though I was. Its confusing and embarassing to hide certain things and feel as if you need to do it just to justify your actions and decisions in the past. Mistakes are mistakes and we cannot spend the rest of our lives looking back and crying over spilt milk. I know I say that now even though Im guilty of doing it myself.

Tormented genius.

I dont know where to start writing. My whole life is a big I DONT KNOW right now. All things about my future and what to do with it, where to go and where to take it from here... its all a big blur and haze and I cannot make anything out of it. The crap part is that I have been forced to be in charge for so long that I dont know how to let go anymore. I know that I have to, but the thought of this letting-go moment finally arriving scares the shit out of me. The unknown future..its like opening a door to a completely pitch black room and knowing that you cannot just stay there, standing on the door, desperately clinging to the doorknob and hoping that maybe, just maybe you dont have to take that step.
And it just dawned to me that the worst is to take the first one. That would be the most scariest part. The second and the third steps will be more easier. But Im still scared as hell. Please Dear Void, send someone my way to help me out, someone to reach out their hands and pull me up and who will lend a shoulder to rest/cry on.

Wild-grown garden vs.Seismic activity

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like a volcano and then subsides and when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part, because this is what love is. Love is not the breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promise of eternal passion, and it is not the desire to mate every minute or every second of the day. That is just being "in love" which any fool can do…Love itself is what's left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident...."

This is one the quotes that I came across few days ago. And its so true. Real, true love doesnt come crashing in like giant wave, knocking you off your feet. It doesnt mean that loving someone cant be exciting, you should still find something together that gives you butterflies in your stomach, but its indeed more solid foundation like the quote said about having your roots tangled together. And when I look at my present life from that angle, its pretty obvious what I have to do about certain things and situations where my roots arent tangled.
And Dear Void, I had the most weird dream last night, it was full happy and light, but one of the weirdest I have recently had. And I was sleepwalking during some part of it. I discovered that few photos were off the wall and placed neatly next to my bed.

Putting all my faith on God.

Yes, Dear Void, I want to do just that. Because Im in a point in my life where I really cant do anything else. Im stuck and lost and I dont know which way should I go. God has looked out for me all this time, giving me moments to smile and laugh about, giving me times of despair to really look inside myself and reflect. But He has always had my back, been by my side, guiding me away from the biggest possible blunders. And these are all those moments that you realize later and then you can exhale of thankfulness that things indeed went like they did.
And I know, I havent been here writing for quite some time. Things have been unstabile, hitting the bottom by the end of the year and the first months of 2010. But I sincerely hope that Im gonna see some sun soon. That the spring takes all the heavyness of my soul and the burden from my heart and gives it flight. I need to clear my head of all the dark thoughts that have been gathering dust in the corners of my mind. Its like an old drawer where you hold all your old letters and papers that you take out every once in a while to read and to hurt yourself. I need to free myself from those old and hurting memories and create room for new ones. I dont exactly know how to do it or how long would it take but I have to try. There have been many changes already in my life regarding my work and my relationships with different people. Dont get me wrong, Im still married. But I just need to cast away all the people who arent worth my time and effort because I have people who keep me sane and smiling. And spring is coming...it really is coming....