My Dear Void. I dont know how to start this post. I dont know where would be the best to do it. But I think I just say it and get it over with.
You know how some people are really good at gardening. Everything they plant flourish. One of my friend, now a proud mother of 6 (yes!) is that kind of a person. She could stick a leaf into the flowerpot and it would grow into a tiny tree.
But thats not what I wanted to talk about.
I want to go back to something my grandmother used to say when I was a hot-headed teenager and I used to lash out a lot and mostly at my most dear ones. She said: word is like a bird that flies out of your mouth and you can never get it back in. And thats something that really resonates within me.
I want to talk about words. No, seeds. No, words as seeds.
Words are like seeds. They always find a fertile ground and they grow. But the difference is in that seed. Is it a good one or not. Good words planted in people can work miracles. They can become something that person hangs on to for years to come and it blooms in their soul and sometimes is even the last resort to them in hard times.
But mean words, they are also seeds. But what they create is completely different. They also grow. Sometimes more than the good ones. And what they create is like a poison. What grows out of them is like a strangling vine around the heart, squeezing tight. They grow being watered with tears and when its the harvest time, all you get is resentment, disappointment, distrust, low self-esteem and self-respect in your fruitbasket.
So be careful, you reap what you sow.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunny people, welcome!
Yes, my Dear Void. All sunny people who bring joy, light and laughter in my life, you are very welcome. I never get enough of these kind of people who can light up the room with just their presence and a smile. I hope someone finds me to be that kind of person aswell.
I havent written here over a week, it has been a tough one. Not really because I moved my whole life back to my parents home but because I had loads of birthdays and its really heavy, on the stomach mostly since I just cannot say no to something delicious.
I wanted to write here because I witnessed a scene in my local supermarket the other day. I was there at the tills and the cashier had just announced that the cash registers belt is broken. So she gave me the sign that tells people to go to the other till so I would put it after my goods. We managed somehow and just as I was paying for my things and the cashier prepared to switch the tills one man came up and started yelling at her. Blamed her for the lack of cashiers, broken belt, absent managers, bad rota for the cashiers. It was a miracle he didnt blame her for the spring floods we have here.
And seeing all that and feeling bad for just standing there, I started wondering about why people are so angry. Why indeed? Why people gather so much negativity inside and release it to random people? Honestly speaking, I dont remember the last time I was that angry that I was about to burst. I guess Im not an angry person or I just find healthy ways of venting. Maybe thats what Im doing here now and venting on you my Dear Void. How many negativity there is around us and how many people carry it around as a daily burden never to be released from it...
Havent you noticed how some people only bring negative emotions? When you talk with them or even see their name, you get this feel of anguish flushing over you. And when they leave, even if only for a short time to be returned again later, you feel like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Maybe its because some people are so overpowering, strong and they transfer their own emotions to you easily. Maybe some people are more receptive then others.
I have had people like this in my past who have kept me in their icy grip, who make me feel trapped, frustrated and lost. But I try to avoid it at all costs because its a waste of me. I read a good quote the other day: its not important how many years you live but how much life is in your years.
But all sunny people, bring it on, bring your light and positive vibes, its all very welcome!
I havent written here over a week, it has been a tough one. Not really because I moved my whole life back to my parents home but because I had loads of birthdays and its really heavy, on the stomach mostly since I just cannot say no to something delicious.
I wanted to write here because I witnessed a scene in my local supermarket the other day. I was there at the tills and the cashier had just announced that the cash registers belt is broken. So she gave me the sign that tells people to go to the other till so I would put it after my goods. We managed somehow and just as I was paying for my things and the cashier prepared to switch the tills one man came up and started yelling at her. Blamed her for the lack of cashiers, broken belt, absent managers, bad rota for the cashiers. It was a miracle he didnt blame her for the spring floods we have here.
And seeing all that and feeling bad for just standing there, I started wondering about why people are so angry. Why indeed? Why people gather so much negativity inside and release it to random people? Honestly speaking, I dont remember the last time I was that angry that I was about to burst. I guess Im not an angry person or I just find healthy ways of venting. Maybe thats what Im doing here now and venting on you my Dear Void. How many negativity there is around us and how many people carry it around as a daily burden never to be released from it...
Havent you noticed how some people only bring negative emotions? When you talk with them or even see their name, you get this feel of anguish flushing over you. And when they leave, even if only for a short time to be returned again later, you feel like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Maybe its because some people are so overpowering, strong and they transfer their own emotions to you easily. Maybe some people are more receptive then others.
I have had people like this in my past who have kept me in their icy grip, who make me feel trapped, frustrated and lost. But I try to avoid it at all costs because its a waste of me. I read a good quote the other day: its not important how many years you live but how much life is in your years.
But all sunny people, bring it on, bring your light and positive vibes, its all very welcome!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I'd give my everything for you, my love!
Would I?
Should I?
Im not sure, my Dear Void. I have been talking to someone with whom our ideas on that subject clash completely. His thoughs on it sound more or less like that: if you love someone, you have to do everything for them that makes them happy, even though it doesnt make you happy. So when you do everything according to that persons wishes, you prove your love.
No.
I simply cannot agree to this.
Call me selfish, call me whatever you please but the way I see things is rather different. When I love someone, I choose to give my all to him. I dont have to but I choose to. And I still have boundaries. There are things I would never do. Never ever no matter who you are.
I believe love is about making people happy and I mean both sides of the relationship. Not that one is holding back the tears doing something that causes them discomfort, pain or mental distress just for the sake of the others pleasure. How could I ever enjoy something when I know that pleasing me causes my dear loved one harm? Its impossible.
I have experienced giving my all to someone I love. I did it gladly, with a smile on my face. But sometimes I did it just to keep the peace or to avoid the argument and fights. I was the peacekeeper in that relationship. And it doesnt work, at least not for a longer time. In a relationship when one side always gives more, one thing inevitably happens. This person will be taken for granted. They will give more and more since its never enough and they receive less and less so in the end they are left with empty hands.
And I promised myself that I will never be like this. Never again will I agree with things that doesnt make me happy or what will hurt me.
And not to sound selfish, I'd like to explaine. There are 3 categories of things. One is the YES where are all the things that are acceptable for that person, second one is NO where are all the things that are absolutely not acceptable but this category is also non-debatable and should be respected by others no questions asked. And the third is MAYBE and that category can swing both ways. But in that one are the things that can be tried and then decided over.
So my Dear Void, what I wanted to say with this ranty talk is that I dont want to do thing that are an absolute no for me and I'd like this to be respected and I also would never push my loved ones to do the things they reallyreally dont want to.
Love is about respect and acceptance the way the people are. If you cannot accept me the way I am with all my boundaries, flaws and quarks, well, tough luck then. And this was really something I had to get off my chest.
Now Im off to bed, nightnight!
Should I?
Im not sure, my Dear Void. I have been talking to someone with whom our ideas on that subject clash completely. His thoughs on it sound more or less like that: if you love someone, you have to do everything for them that makes them happy, even though it doesnt make you happy. So when you do everything according to that persons wishes, you prove your love.
No.
I simply cannot agree to this.
Call me selfish, call me whatever you please but the way I see things is rather different. When I love someone, I choose to give my all to him. I dont have to but I choose to. And I still have boundaries. There are things I would never do. Never ever no matter who you are.
I believe love is about making people happy and I mean both sides of the relationship. Not that one is holding back the tears doing something that causes them discomfort, pain or mental distress just for the sake of the others pleasure. How could I ever enjoy something when I know that pleasing me causes my dear loved one harm? Its impossible.
I have experienced giving my all to someone I love. I did it gladly, with a smile on my face. But sometimes I did it just to keep the peace or to avoid the argument and fights. I was the peacekeeper in that relationship. And it doesnt work, at least not for a longer time. In a relationship when one side always gives more, one thing inevitably happens. This person will be taken for granted. They will give more and more since its never enough and they receive less and less so in the end they are left with empty hands.
And I promised myself that I will never be like this. Never again will I agree with things that doesnt make me happy or what will hurt me.
And not to sound selfish, I'd like to explaine. There are 3 categories of things. One is the YES where are all the things that are acceptable for that person, second one is NO where are all the things that are absolutely not acceptable but this category is also non-debatable and should be respected by others no questions asked. And the third is MAYBE and that category can swing both ways. But in that one are the things that can be tried and then decided over.
So my Dear Void, what I wanted to say with this ranty talk is that I dont want to do thing that are an absolute no for me and I'd like this to be respected and I also would never push my loved ones to do the things they reallyreally dont want to.
Love is about respect and acceptance the way the people are. If you cannot accept me the way I am with all my boundaries, flaws and quarks, well, tough luck then. And this was really something I had to get off my chest.
Now Im off to bed, nightnight!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Kicked in the *beep*
First of all my Dear Void, my last post was my 100th one. So this marks the beginning of another.
I was rather down this morning, my heart was bleeding because of the loss of my home, losing my independence and having to move back to my parents. I was seriously hurting.
My stacked boxes and bags are at their destination, my parents home already and in 4 days I will follow with my last things. But I have to say that I will do that with much lighter disposition as I would have thought based on todays morning.
And I have only one person to thank for it. Demi. Thank you for not letting me wallow in self pity and showing me some tough love. You made me see everything from a different angle and injected something really positive into me. It helps so much when someone reassures you, has your back. The feeling that someone else steps out for you aswell, that you dont always have to do it alone. Thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you for kicking me in the *beep*
I was rather down this morning, my heart was bleeding because of the loss of my home, losing my independence and having to move back to my parents. I was seriously hurting.
My stacked boxes and bags are at their destination, my parents home already and in 4 days I will follow with my last things. But I have to say that I will do that with much lighter disposition as I would have thought based on todays morning.
And I have only one person to thank for it. Demi. Thank you for not letting me wallow in self pity and showing me some tough love. You made me see everything from a different angle and injected something really positive into me. It helps so much when someone reassures you, has your back. The feeling that someone else steps out for you aswell, that you dont always have to do it alone. Thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you for kicking me in the *beep*
The last weekend
My Dear Void, this is my last weekend here, in my home. Next friday I meet the landlord here and we settle the last things and payments and thats it.
Im heartbroken.
It was really hard to see my home turn into something impersonal. Bare shelves, no track of me ever being here. I packed up my last things and I had the memory-flashes again, so strong that I actually felt sick in my stomach. I found some papers and greeting cards for my wedding that happened almost 5 years ago. It was little too much for me so I just sat on my bed and weeped. Its strange how the things you thought were over with still affect you that much.
But it literally made me feel sick inside and weak in the knees.
My home is bare. Stripped of all the things that were mine. Just few things left for my last 4 days here and thats it. I changed the curtains in the kitchen and livingroom and now even the light is different. It all feels different as if it wasnt my home anymore. Walls are bare, cupboards are empty, boxes and bags on the floor waiting to be taken away. Its absolutely gut wrenching to know that this is the place I would never return to. I didnt feel this way in Ireland when I left my homes there. First time it happened, I didnt have much time to think about it. My relocation from Limerick happened so quickly, His new work and new place to live. And I guess one thing that took away the sorrow was that it was a new start with someone I loved back then. And to find a greeting card from my former colleagues from Dell wishing me happy married life, it all brought it back to me. Both, the happiness and the betrayal.
Cant believe I have lived here for almost 3 years. But now its time to part.
Im heartbroken.
It was really hard to see my home turn into something impersonal. Bare shelves, no track of me ever being here. I packed up my last things and I had the memory-flashes again, so strong that I actually felt sick in my stomach. I found some papers and greeting cards for my wedding that happened almost 5 years ago. It was little too much for me so I just sat on my bed and weeped. Its strange how the things you thought were over with still affect you that much.
But it literally made me feel sick inside and weak in the knees.
My home is bare. Stripped of all the things that were mine. Just few things left for my last 4 days here and thats it. I changed the curtains in the kitchen and livingroom and now even the light is different. It all feels different as if it wasnt my home anymore. Walls are bare, cupboards are empty, boxes and bags on the floor waiting to be taken away. Its absolutely gut wrenching to know that this is the place I would never return to. I didnt feel this way in Ireland when I left my homes there. First time it happened, I didnt have much time to think about it. My relocation from Limerick happened so quickly, His new work and new place to live. And I guess one thing that took away the sorrow was that it was a new start with someone I loved back then. And to find a greeting card from my former colleagues from Dell wishing me happy married life, it all brought it back to me. Both, the happiness and the betrayal.
Cant believe I have lived here for almost 3 years. But now its time to part.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Sleeping with my eyes open
Good morning my Dear Void.
To sound grumpy I would say that theres absolutely nothing good about this morning but since I dont think I am one of those kind I say that it looks like its going to be a lovely day. Full with promises of springtime.
Just 2 days ago it seemed hopeless. I came home from work in the late afternoon and it was snowing. Let me remind you, two days ago was 1st of April. It was nasty weather, strong gusts of wind that blew this wet sleet everywhere and by the time I got home my jeans were soaked and face frozen. Today it looks much better.
But this is not why Im writing.
Next week Im moving away. I didnt realize that it would be so hard on me. This has been my home for 2,5 years and in a week it would be nothing but a gap, stripped of all the things and memories that are mine. It would be a shell for someone to build their home in. For me it will be a gap.
I didnt realise how many things and how many memories I have here. I started sorting my things the other day and I came face to face with them. I sat here and the whole range of emotions flushed over me and I just sat here and tried to savour the good ones. Its not just an apartment Im leaving behind, its my home.
One big stage in my life will be over soon. This weekend I try to pack everything together so that for my last 4 days I would only have the necessities, the things I would actually use during my last days here.
I feel sad and strangely heartbroken but mostly I feel tired. Emotions like this, they wear me out and I havent been able to sleep the past 2 nights so I feel like sleepwalking. Its hard to concentrate like this but I will give my best. Hope I dont fall asleep on my way to work.
To sound grumpy I would say that theres absolutely nothing good about this morning but since I dont think I am one of those kind I say that it looks like its going to be a lovely day. Full with promises of springtime.
Just 2 days ago it seemed hopeless. I came home from work in the late afternoon and it was snowing. Let me remind you, two days ago was 1st of April. It was nasty weather, strong gusts of wind that blew this wet sleet everywhere and by the time I got home my jeans were soaked and face frozen. Today it looks much better.
But this is not why Im writing.
Next week Im moving away. I didnt realize that it would be so hard on me. This has been my home for 2,5 years and in a week it would be nothing but a gap, stripped of all the things and memories that are mine. It would be a shell for someone to build their home in. For me it will be a gap.
I didnt realise how many things and how many memories I have here. I started sorting my things the other day and I came face to face with them. I sat here and the whole range of emotions flushed over me and I just sat here and tried to savour the good ones. Its not just an apartment Im leaving behind, its my home.
One big stage in my life will be over soon. This weekend I try to pack everything together so that for my last 4 days I would only have the necessities, the things I would actually use during my last days here.
I feel sad and strangely heartbroken but mostly I feel tired. Emotions like this, they wear me out and I havent been able to sleep the past 2 nights so I feel like sleepwalking. Its hard to concentrate like this but I will give my best. Hope I dont fall asleep on my way to work.
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