Sirtaki forever...

Dear Void, as you know I had a pretty rough day yesterday, emotionally. BUT then I went to my danceclass in the evening and it got harder there, physically I mean.
First I was made to dance the gangnam style (God knows how I hate that song). And yes, I did the pony.
And then the teacher said that shes going to teach us a new dance. We were like yay! Little did we know it was going to be Sirtaki. The steps were relatively easy though you have to hold your arms up 90 degree angle upwards. And then she put on the music....And we all danced Sirtaki...the whole 6 minutes.Seriously, I couldnt feel my arms afterwards. And all this time the teacher was looking "happy-happy, joy-joy" while all I could think of was "when is this darn thing going to end????" while my biceps were burning. Hats off to you greek people.

I found some really good songs yesterday too. By Christina Perri. One supercute song, as it turned out, is actually from the Twilight soundtrack. I will not go to see the movie, because I simply think that Twilight is kind of lame. And Im not a fan of Kristen Stewart nor Robert Pattinson. But the song is adorable and I will listen to it nevertheless. This singer had also some Christmas songs. As you know, this week is the last week of November. So Christmas is coming!! (I rather not think about my workload and parties at work).
Enjoy, my Dear Void!

Felipe

Its a letter to you. You who once were a dear friend of mine. You who were really close to me for a long time. The one who will never read this letter.
Our story started long time ago. An absolute roller-coaster for me. And then you hurt me and wounded me with meanness. Me who cared about you when you were hurting. Me who helped you overcome rough patches in your life even though we were far apart. We stopped being friends. And I left you in your cotton-candy dreamworld.
Few days ago you came back. Begged me to talk to you once again. I gave in. I talked to you. And even though you knew me so well, you knowingly committed the worst crime against me. You lied to me. Not out of fright or embarrasment. You DELIBERATELY lied. And for what? To get my sympathy. To get me to open up to you once again. And you pulled it off. I did all those things. And then...you told me that it was all a lie....
It was like a slap in the face. And when I tried to leave, you yelled obscenities. I left and I cried.
And the only thing you did, Felipe, was taint the sweet memory I had of our friendship.
I dont want to yell obscenities at you. I wish you well. But I wish that out paths would never cross again.

I dreamed a dream...

My Dear Void, one reason why I want to write this down was because later I may not remeber my vivid dream.
So here It goes:
I think there was something before it aswell, but I remember it from the point where I was about to participate in a race, running that is. And I dont really like to run. I dont have the stamina. BUT in the dream I wasnt worried about it I kinda knew that I can do it even though it was announced as a marathon, I wasnt scared or worried at all.
Anyways. The race started and the other runners werent like...athletes..they were normal people like me. And that means not very fit. I gained a head start...but I remember looking at the road I was running on...the texture really varied. Once it was sort of deserty dirt road..then it was made of planks like on wetlands. But the scenery around me didnt change, just the road.
Back to the race everybody. I was running into a tunnel, suddenly a racecar swooshed by on high speed. Luckily it was the only one. The tunnel started to go narrower pretty quickly and when I reached the exit I couldnt squeeze myself through,( dont laugh now) apparently my butt was too big. I stood there thinking how on earth did the car get through when couple of other people caught up with me and went through that hole with ease. Then I tried again and I made it! And ran with those people.
I dont know why, but from that point there was loads of eating in my dream.And it was part of this whole marathon. The one who finished their food could proceed running.
The first food I had to eat was a large crepé (a thin large pancake). There was 2 pots and the crepés were all stacked into those big metal pots you see in a schools canteen and you had to take a fork and get it on your plate yourself. I saw a woman trying to take one out but it broke so she went to the other pot.(there were more people around the other pot). I thought that if I wanted to save time and win, I have to try to get mine as fast as I can so I tried my luck. And surprise-surprise, I could get that crepé (that the other woman couldnt) with ease. I put it on my plate and went to sit down. I dont know why I took bread aswell from the breadbasket. And I ate my crepé all properly with fork and knife and with bread.
When I finished it I went back running.
The next food-stop came and there I had to eat a bowl of icecream covered in red kissel. I dont know why but at least me, I had a tiiiiny teaspoon for eating it. So at one point, I tilted the bowl and I drank the kissel straight over the edge of the bowl to save time. I remember that the icecream wasnt as cold as it should have been. I finished it and carried on.
Next stop we had a huuuuuge shelf of candies and chocolates and juice-drinks in bottles. We had to pick out 8 items and eat them all. I remember taking some wafers and smallest juices and a can of bite-size Snickers..they were not like chocolate bar shape...more like round shape like Maltesers. I dont know why I had more than one packet of wafers on my tray, but I only ate one.
And then BEEP-BEEP-BEEP...my alarm rang before I could finish the marathon.

I hate myself.

Not really. I dont really hate myself. But I definately hate some of the things I do to myself. When previously I have decided not to. Like some certain habbits or compulsive behaviours.

One thing that I think shines through this whole blog here is my attempt to somehow become more fit (stress on the word "somehow" because I havent really figured out the absolute best way to do it). And what did I do yesterday when I came home after a grueling day of work? I had one of those binge-eatings that happen to me every now and then. Its like you eat something and you dont seem to be able to stop. You are simply like a machine eating and eating and eating...and you dont really care what you are stuffing down your throat..thats just sad. And later I was laying here with a stomach ache feeling extremely sorry for myself. I believe that, along with some others is one of the downsides of living alone. Theres nobody to smack you on your hand and say: "Lay off the cake!"

Nowadays...no, past couple of months I have been tighter with money than normally but there are few things Im not compromising on, like coffee. If you didnt know it, dear Void, Im a little coffee-snob. In the beginning of the year I bought me a coffee-grinder and now every morning I make fresh coffee straight from the beans. And to be honest, coffee-beans dont really cost more than coffee thats already ground...go figure.

This blog title probably sounds like a teenagers cry but Im far from it. First, Im not a teenager anymore. Its scary sometimes when I go down the memory lane and catch myself saying something like : oh, remember that day 10 years ago.

Secondly, I dont hate myself. Seriously. Im the only one I have, the only Me. And I think that over the years of growth and turmoil, I have made peace with myself. Oh yes, I do have times when I dont love myself as much as on my best days, but I really find comfort in being me, being content with who I am.

Red-brick station where trains can catch their breath...

I have rediscovered oneof my all-time favourite groups - Bozy II Men. Yes, Dear Void, you might think its super-cheesy.. but I have always admired artists that have power in their voices, melodies and lyrics. Thats something you dont come across so much nowadays. My only tape from them (yes,Void, Im talking about cassette tape) is from year 1998 or something and it was called "Evolution". I was only 13 back then but oh what memories.
Have you even discovered when you listen to some of your teenage favourites that the lyrics dont really mean what you thought they ment back then. And then its this awkward moment when listening to your favourite song from the time you were 14 and suddenly realizing its not what you thought it was about back then. Aaaawkward.
And around a week ago I came across a playlist in youtube that had over 100 of their songs, Boys II Men that is, so I listened. I knew some songs that immediately brought flashback from those feelings and crushes I had back then. How much time has passed.

Hope you like it too.

Winter-gloom descends over me

Good morning my Dear Void..

First of all, I dont know why this blog gets the timings so wrong because I have noticed that when I write a post in the last afternoon, it still marks some different time of day above it after I have pressed "publish". You might say that its because I have the wrong country marked in my profile, but its all correct over there....so I really dont know.

Winter-gloom. It seems really inappropriate to talk about it right now because the sun has just risen and the weather is crisp and clear. I have lots to do today. I think that the best way to keep away the gloom is to keep yoursel busy and on the go. Because the days are still getting shorter...darkness comes early and the gloom seeps in from the corners of my room like bad smell.

I mentioned in one of my last blogposts that I feel lonely. Theres nothing to do about it really. I just have to wait a little more and then see what will happen in my life. I should start praying again. Seriously.

Pigeon-Wars

To explain the background to this whole story I have to move a week or two back.
I live in a big block building and I have a little balcony. I dont really go there much because theres not much space to do anything but stand. So I never really went there at all, besides during summertime I have a mosquito-net up.
BUT the other day I saw a pigeon sitting on the ledge so the curious me went to see whats going on. I ripped away the net and stuck my head out  - low and behold - there were 2 pigeons huddled in an empty flower-box looking at me with horror in their eyes. I had barged into their new home.
Well since it was chilly outside I thought to be nice and let them be there.
Today when I was coming home I saw 4 pigeons, yes 4 not 2, sitting on the ledge of the balcony. I ran upstairs, opened the balcony door and saw...poop all over the balcony floor.
So I scared away the pigeons, threw their flower-box (by now it was already filled with poop) to the big bin behind the house and as soon as the poop on the floor freezes, I can shovel that away. Sorry for the graphic descriptions, my Dear Void.
And those pigeons must never return, because the vengeance will be mineeeeee!!!!! ( Well, not really)
So the moral of todays story is - Nobody poops on my floor and gets away with it!!!

No thought what so ever...

I always have hard time to come up with the blog title. Seriously. All that comes to my mind sounds really lame. And I dont want to be known for something lame.
Today was in a way a harsh day for me. In addition to the lunchtime meeting, I had to protocol it. I have never done that and I was all the time like...am I supposed to type it down or not?
But besides that..I was little ( and still am) under the weather. I just had such a low body temperature - 33,6 in Celsius (92,4 for people feeling more comfortable in Fahrenheit scale). Every quicker move I made (and I was making them alot since I started with my Christmas prep for parties at work that included new dances) made my head spin so bad. So I came home and have been watching my favourite youtube channels  since then.

You know something, Dear Void..Im really tired of being alone. Well...I am not REALLY alone...because I do have someone whos really dear to me... But I ment more like..someone whos actually with me. Physically. No, Void, I dont mean that kind of physical ways... I want to...actually share my life with somebody.
I read somewhere that people mostly want that so they would have someone who is a witness to their lives. So their life wouldnt go un-noticed. In a way I understand that way of thinking. Nobody wants to be invisible, we all want to be noticed and acknowledged. I just want to have someone around...someone who really cares and someone who respects me...someone I can come home to..or that someone can come home to me. But I better stop before I reach the point I start talking about cuddling and falling asleep in someones arms, dont let me turn into a real crybaby, my dear Void.

I just sit here. Its all so quiet. Just listening the sounds of rain outside. I dont really know how to describe what Im feeling, how to unwrap it what Im feeling inside.  I do feel peace in me...but theres still something bubbling and boiling underneath that calm surface. Something I cannot give a name to...
I add a little picture as a thanks to Ali for sharing his shalwar-kameez

Swansea

Just to explaine... no, Im not in  Swansea nor have I ever been there.
I came across a page where you can watch manymany different documentaries online and most of my yesterday went by watching several ones. Lost civilizations, gangsters and so on. Today I watched a documentary about christmas carols and their origins and little while ago I stumbled on a documentary about Swansea youth drug problems. I have watched about half of it now and I feel sick to my stomach.
Its a big cold smack of reality how some people are living. Its nowhere near my reality. I have never battled anything like this in my life...I can say that those things dont really exist in my life and in my reality. So far it has seemed as something thats really far from my life. It feels like something out of a parallel universe that exists next to mine without ever crossing ways.
Thats why it seems so shocking to see how some people, young people actually live. From one dose to the next. And these are still young people with aspirations and dreams. While many of them have been pulled into this deep hole by their own junkie-parents.
I dont really know how to pour all what Im feeling right now into words. This whole thing just sickens me.
I wish I could end this all on a lighter note. But there really isnt any at the moment. Not in this situation.