No to home improvements!!

And  I dont mean the tv-show that used to run in the 90s.

As I found out today, you are not allowed to do any handywork in your home without being afraid of your neighbours complaining. And Im not talking about hammering away in the evening or drilling at night. No. Let me tell you the story my Dear Void.

I live here in a shared apartment in a room that basically just has a wardrobe and bed. Being a person who likes comfort around her, I decided to change my room a little and get some more furniture and since I got paid little while ago, I went and bought myself a bed-side cabinet. I wont tell you how I hauled it home, all 12 kilos of it among other things like lampshades and a table lamp and bits and pieces in the other bags. I could have been easily mistaken for a camel with its carriage, treading through the desert if the weather wouldnt have been so bleak and chilly.
Enough about that. I got home, and I started to assemble the cabinet, since it was flat-packed. It was almost all done and I only had to hammer in some tiny nails to attach the cardboardish back of the cabinet. Since I didnt have a hammer, I used a heavy glass jar and as soon as I had given the nails few good bangs, my flatmate was banging on my door, saying that its not allowed!! Neighbours will complain.
I was like WHAT? Its noon-time! What if something breaks down and I need to use hammer or a drill to fix it? Will the neighbors complain then too or call the police saying that: look, that person is fixing things. How dare she!
So I ended up pushing those nails in. Took me considerably longer time, but I managed and now I have a bed-side cabinet. And I still dont care about my benefit-milking neighbors who may have nothing better to do then to listen someone assemble a bedside cabinet.

Bunch of weaklings...

Yes, people here are absolute weaklings what comes to different weather conditions. Eeverything thats slightly out of ordinary created chaos and transport standstill. Heavy rain and wind rings alarmbells and I imagine that few inches of snow would be declared as a catastrophy. They should see how things work in my homeland. Over there when theres blizzard outside, we just shrug our shoulders and carry on.
Im always little afraid when Im travelling across the city that maybe something has caused the trains to come to a halt. So it would take me much much more time to make it home. I dont mind travelling if I have time, but the people are so impatient and frustrated that it gets to me too.

I began to really relish the cold days. In Estonia, they are expexting their first snow, and I miss that moment. The moment when you see the first white delicate flakes swirl down on your nose. I truly miss that. So when everybody here complains how cold it is (even though the temperature here hasnt gone below zero) I quietly cheer inside because deep down I hope to see snow. And I love those crisp days when you can feel the pinch of frost on your face and you see the sheet of white on the grass. We dont have it often though, thus I thoroughly enjoy those days when I can smell the winter and touch it, if only with my fingertips.

I thought that Im not going to write about this, but I feel that I have to share something with you my Dear Void. Yesterday was an awesome day. I spent the whole day with my special one, we took the tube to the city and went to the zoo.Walked around there hand in hand, having coffee and sandwiches (not holding hands during that, you try to eat a sandwich and hold hands at the same time) and taking pictures with animals and with eachother. And in the evening we cooked some gorgeous food and had some chai before going to bed. It was truly perfect day and on top of that, it was exactly that kind of a weather I love nowadays, crisp and sunny.
Im all warm and fuzzy inside, something that I havent felt in a long time.

Throwing myself off balance

Exactly. Im not thrown off balance by something that happens around me, I do it myself. And the same time I curse myself for doing it. Is it some form of masochism? I rather not think about it even though it looks that way.

Have you heard that saying that curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back? And my curiousity keeps "killing" me and theres no satisfaction in sight.
Im talking about Him. I dont know why I cannot permanently leave him in my past. I was with him for years and then it had its gruesome end. Why cant I put it behind me for good? I dont know. What Im about to say sounds really vengeful but maybe its because I want to see him hurt. Maybe its because I want him to fail in everything he does and be miserable, just how he made me feel and be unhappy. I know these are not good feelings and I know that I probably wouldnt feel any happier if I actually saw him be unhappy. Well, maybe I would have few seconds of "schade-freude".
He has nothing to do with my life now nor I with his. I have to stop bringing him back. But how can I stop the memories? How can I stop remembering? I dont know.

One of my dear friends is pretty much facing the same problem right now and I was rather sharp and straightforward with him and said that he is too good for that woman and should just forget her. (I didnt used really those exact words). Why am I not able to take my own advice? Because I dont want to lose my peace of mind again.

Spitting fire and electric!

Today is my day off. Its Monday and so it is the most sucky day to have off but thats not what I wanted to talk about.

I learned quite some time ago that paying utility bills here is nothing like in Estonia. In Estonia you see after a month the amount you have used and thus you pay as much as it shows on the bill. Easy-peasy. Here on the otherhand its like pay-as-you-go system. You have this little blue "key" (quotation marks because the thingy looks nothing like an actual key) inserted in your electrical panel and you are supposed to load money on it and as you use the electricity, its ticking off until it reaches zero, then you have the opportunity to press the key in once and you can enjoy the luxuries of a lit and warm home for couple of more days until your "extra time" runs out aswell. 

And thats exactly what happened today.(I live here on all-inclusive packet, sort of speak so I have really nothing to do with paying bills and all that.) I had pressed in the key few days ago and got this extra time and I immediately informed my landladys boyfriend of that. So I figured out that they took care of that in those extra days. Boy I was wrong. Today, just around 30 minutes ago that extra time ran out. How did I know? Internet suddenly wasnt there anymore and the heater stopped humming.

So I got dressed and took the "key" and made a trip to the closest shop where I could reload it. Actually, I had to make 2 trips because when I got back the first time, the meter showed me that there was still some debt on it.

Tomorrow is a rent day. And wether they like it or not, they will get 15 pounds less. (Thats the amount I spent on the meter.) They will get the receipts of my payments and less money so next time they actually take care of their business because right now they are both out and Im not going to sit here all evening in the dark and cold. I have done my end of the deal and they should do theirs.

Morning coffee with you

Good morning my Dear Void. I am up early despite actually having a day off. Im sitting on my bed, mug of coffee by my side and thinking about how to write what I want to write about because they dont really tie together under any common subject.

Do you know Dear Void how you see the tech-takeover? Look at people in public transport. Ever time I take the tube Im one of the few in the carriage NOT staring at my smartphone. I realized it one day when I was taking the tube from London Bridge to Euston and all people were sitting and staring at those little beaming screens. All but me who was just looking around. Well, truth is I dont have a smartphone and I think its much more interesting to observe people.

I had quite an emotional day yesterday at work. I received loads of positive comments from customers and that made me really proud especially since the new french manager has been on my back ever since he started working. I know, his point is to make better and truth is, I dont have much experience but I am improving.
I also cried yesterday, not like bawling, but I got really emotional. One gentleman came to the restaurant inquiring about a wake. We talked a little and he said that his wife of over 50 years passed away with cancer. When he said these words and showed me the framed picture of his late wife who looked so lovely and smiley and I looked into his eyes and saw him tearing up in sheer pain. I couldnt help but tear up too. When he left, I squatted down behind the bar counter and cried a little.

BUT to end on a happier note, I discovered that when you buy the custard doughnuts that have been half-priced in the evenings and heat them up the next day in microwave, they are awesome!
And with that, I leave you my Dear Void. Theres an early meeting at work today!

The touch of winter is in the air

My dear, dear Void. I havent been writing here for almost 2 months. I have been thinking about it alot but somehow I havent found that mysterious "something" that would make me sit down and have a heart to heart talk with you. But now Im here, sitting down in my room with my laptop, out of the daily rush until it pulls me back again like a leaf in the autumn wind.

Winter is coming. I can feel it in the air. The wind is cold, it goes right through your bones and makes you grab your coat and pull it closer to your body. Leaves are still on the trees and there are some lovely autumn colours in the nature. Back home, the trees are bare already for quite some time. I love the fact that here, in the city of 8 million people I feel the nature being closer to me than I did in a small town in Estonia.

My life has taken its twists and turns during these months. I have a job now! I started late September. I work as a waitress in a charming restaurant not far from where I live. It has its ups and downs, Im not pretending that all is peachy, but as always, I get by and get on with my life.

I feel now that everything is somehow falling into place. I have a home and I have a job. And I have peace. And as strange as it sounds, the last of them somehow means the most to me. To finally not worry about trivial, everyday things. I was walking one day, just running some errands (not literally running) and listening to music. Sun was peeking out between clouds, air was crisp, I had crunchy leaves beneath my feet and I had to resist the urge to skip. You know how little schoolgirls do, that kind of skipping. I didnt. Women my age dont skip. But I wanted to. Because it felt so light inside and everything felt as its supposed to feel. I felt like I have finally achieved what I set out to feel during those months of turmoil in Estonia when I was trying to figure out how to carry on and where to do it. I finally have this moment. I seized it.
It doesnt mean that I dont have any worries or things I ponder about. Not at all. I still do, I am a chronical over-thinker. But the biggest weight of them all has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel ( I know how corny it sounds) alive. Even though Im far from my family and the Christmas time is approaching. I dont want to talk about that, it gets me weepy.

And I feel that I have found someone. Someone lovely. Someone who wants to make me happy.