Summer is soon over...

Yes indeed, summer is over soon and I have the feeling that I havent had any rest what so ever. Sure, I had a marvellous almost-a-week vacation in Amsterdam with Doris. She and Sander were absolutely wonderful:) Huge thanks for them for making my stay there so great:)
Well. I dont know where to start telling about my other ventures of the grounds of relationship with my husband.
I feel that Im a person who never ever runs out of problems to ponder about. Yes, thats me, the Problem-Woman tadaaaa!!! I know that I am insecure about loads of things in my life and all that 6 months of crap has destroyed a big amount of selfcofidence and selfesteem that I managed to build up the last year and a half. Does it all really comes down to me having a low selfesteem?? Maybe. It makes me feel very sad if I think about Me and how I was few years back. I was a lot bigger than I am now and I had been like that since I hit puberty. So Im in a way still in that thinking that I have to earn all the affection and love. And the feeling of not being good enough, not looking good enough, not being beautiful enough, still haunts me. I know its incredibly stupid to blame all this mishappenings on me not being good enough and not being beautiful enough but thats what my subconscious keeps whispering me on my lowest moments when I wallow in self-pity.
And I dont know but I feel that Im in a constant competition with other women. All those female acquaintances that He has (I refuse to call them friends, coz friendship is totally different what they are having) are all...you know, they are babes. And Im not. And they make me feel that Im old. And Im not even 25 yet! But they mostly are 19.
And I feel more and more that He is embarassed of the fact that He is married. And that breaks my heart. I know that its possibly because all his friends nowadays are 19-22 years old. They are all single, running around, screwing around and they dont even think about settling down. Maybe He wants to be like that too. He has promised me and sworn that He doesnt do anything stupid, but still. Maybe he feels that being married makes him less interesting or places him on the lower status in the group. Which I think is STUUUPIID!
I checked the pictures of his friend in orkut. Most of them are bunch of rich kids with fancy cars that their parents paid for and their idea of a nice party is: getting in the car, driving to someones apartment or to some waistland, sitting down on the sofa, of the back of the car or on some bench and drink til they get wasted, then occasional throwing up on the floor or in the bushes...and thats your fun.
No need to say that I think its incredibly lame. But He finds it fun. And that places Him there, on the same level with them. I think I have overcome this stage (I think I never had this anyways) and to be honest, I dont know his friends and yes, they can be very nice people but I think that I would never fit in their group. When I look how they spend their time, always drinking til they drop, I feel Im much too developed to spend my time like that. I like quality-time. I dont need to get wasted to have a good time and Im not that good in talking nothing but BS.