Be still my mind

 Good morning my Dear Void.

Last time I posted, I actually posted from my phone instead of typing here. I used the microphone function and then later manually spell checked. It was easier than I thought. It felt weird to talk out loud though. I even started to over think and my talking went all clunky. I prefer typing here. My fingers are nimble and fast. I guess talking my thoughts out loud is not the greatest option for me. I remember someone saying along the lines of when you put your thoughts and feelings into words and say it out loud, they become more real. The quote was longer than that but that part, it really made me think. I agree. I have some heavy thoughts sometimes, some life changing thoughts sometimes, that I am afraid to say out loud. Hearing them back from myself seems frightening somehow.

Today among all the spring-time, my mind travelled back a year. Thinking what I was dealing with one year ago. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Just like Charles Dickens started his "Tale of two cities". It truly was for me. Dealing with all what I had to brought me to the brink of collapse. I didn't collapse though. I couldn't. I honestly do not know what held me up and together because I sank into darkness, even thinking about it now makes me all choked up inside and I feel the stress welling up like a gargantuan wave. 

Looking back I do not know how I managed to finish that year in school. How I managed to finish on high. After all my burning out and diabetes surprise in June. Person closest to me telling just to be like other people and do my thing - if others can do it, so can I. (To be fair, he didn't know any better and is not most eloquent on mental health front. Forgiven.) 

I feel that I have gained back some of what I lost. Somehow feeling more fragile than before. Feeling that I'm holding it together but knowing that one big blow will send me crumbling.

I have a huge vase of tulips and daffodils next to my computer and I lean over to bury my nose among the petals as I type. The promise of spring and promise of tranquillity is just what I need. Is this what they meant by: stop and smell the flowers? Anyway, here is some for you as well.