Stuck.

 Dear Void, I'm stuck. Stuck in my mind, stuck in my body.

I feel like an old person who's body is giving up on them. My knees hurt and my back aches when I wake up. My other health issues are giving me nothing but grief.

This morning I woke up with a raging migraine. Finding out that laying down in bed only intensifies my pain, I decided to quietly get up, gather my things and leave him sleeping. I made my way into living room, seeing all kinds of haze in my eyes. Feeling dizzy and reeling from the pain I stretched myself and did some calming pilates exercises. That made me feel little bit human again.

Nowadays I try not to overthink. Which is really difficult for me, being chronic over-thinker. I remember reading someplace that most of our health problems stem from our mind, from the negative thinking. I guess that may be right, at least in my case. Where did my migraine come from? Definitely last evenings events contributed a lot.

It's never good idea to have an argument before sleep. My brain takes it all in like a sponge and starts to process it during my sleep and thus gives me less than a little sleep. I may appear sleeping but my brain gives me no relief. I wake up tired as ever.

It hurts me hearing that I'm not able to give someone what they want and need. It frustrates me the same time. It's the time where I need to weigh out what I need (not really what I want, but need - both mind and body) against what others want and need. I don't know if I can go against myself this time. I feel that I have been doing it for so long time that it has become second nature. My body and my mind are screaming at me to start thinking about myself and truly delve into what is it that I need. It is devastating seeing people that I love telling me that I'm not giving them what they need, seeing this anger and frustration in their eyes and hear it in their voices. The blame game, finger pointing, unnecessary insults.

I wish the life could be easier. Life as it was long time ago. When there was no worries, no existential crisis moments. Of course there were worries, for a person I was back then, but looking back now, they were nothing. Worries back then were not even slightly similar or serious of the worries I have now. I wish I could look back and tell the person I was back then to relax and just be herself, to brace myself for whats yet to come. No, actually I wouldn't say that. I would want her to know that there is nothing bad happening to her, to enjoy the life she has now, to let her know the smaller world worries could easily be overcome. To hug her and say that she is enough.

Right now I don't feel that I am.

I feel gas-lighted. Under appreciated.

The other day, birds were singing outside in the blossom tree. I closed my eyes and it took me back to quiet streets in Karlova. Lilac trees were spreading their sweet scent. I was walking, tall grass brushed against my ankles, balmy wind touched my cheeks and sun rays broke through the canopy of old trees. I was happy. Hakuna Matata.