The Day I Got Old.

So here is the day when I can say Im now officially older than a quarter of a century. Today is my 26th birthday. And I have spent it alone. Except when I went out to buy some sugar and coffee.
I remember, I used to wait for my birthdays so much when i was younger. It was always such a waiting. But not anymore. Nobody really wants to get older. Especially when you feel that you havent really achieved much in those years passed. I know I should feel happy but I dont when I got the news that one of my best friend has moved into a house of her own with her lovely family. I felt miserable. And the fact that I felt like that because of some really great news, that made me feel even worse. I feel that everybody elses life is going somewhere but mine is standing still, like it has grown roots. Everybody around me seems to have kids, buy houses, get married and that pisses me off without a reason, really. My life has been slowing down and taking a complete halt. And it all began approximately 2 years ago when my family life collapsed. Since that time, I can tell that much water has flown into the sea, but I still have that feeling of uneasiness about the future.

Moment of silence

I like my weekends nowadays. They are quiet and relaxed and I honestly cant believe how quiet my neighbourhood is. Its already dark. Snowy and cold. I like evenings like that. Yesterday I was coming home from my friends birthday. I got off the bus in downtown because I felt like walking a bit. It was chilly and and the air was crisp. I stood on the market-bridge and looked down into the black water. The thin ice-layers were moving on the surface of the water and I waited to hear them crackle and break against the concrete pillars of the bridge and I caught myself thinking that the sound of the breaking ice...I dont know even how to explain...it somehow gave me comfort. Hearing something break in the silence...something breaking in the silence inside of me.
Before I go to sleep, I open the door to the balcony to let in some air and I always inhale deep. Take this cold wave of air inside, its the feeling of clensing whats inside of me. So in a way its one of my favourite moments in the evening. Standing on the balcony in my PJs and breathing slowly and deeply before closing the door and jumping to bed.

I crave for things nowadays. Mostly edible things:D I would really enjoy some spicy chicken-wings and some nice red wine...

I heard an expression today that: in relationship, the one who loves less is in charge. What do you think about that, Dear Void?

P.S one page kept me really entertained today. http://www.lamebook.com

Old but still childish...

Cant help feeling that I did something of that kind. And in addition, maybe I was a bit rude. Maybe it was his defence mechanism that sprang to work because of what I said. I will never know.
Theres certain type of people who I just dont get. I never know wether they are genuine or just giving me plain bs. And thats exactly how its with him. Im still not good detecting if hes talk comes straight from the heart or if its all a big pretend.
I talked with one of my good friend who came over on Sunday that I have the problem of thinking that all people should be like me. Think like me, meaning that they should have same values and same codes of conduct as I do. And in nowadays world, its hardly the case. I feel sometimes that Im alone in this. I dont really know why my way of thinking of what is right is so different from the others.
And the main difference between me and him is that I dont play with people. So I guess its like a "crusade" for me to show him that what he does is wrong. Last night I was already in bed and I was thinking. When I lay in my bed before I sleep, I like to talk out loud, to make my thoughts more "visible", if you may. And I was thinking that who am I to tell him how to live his life. Im nobody in that matter. Im no judge, Im no jury. And so I have no reason to be rude no matter what he does, no matter that he did hurt me in the past.
And thus I eliminated him from my life. I just drew a line for myself. Im not going to be a "lone ranger" and fight for justice when its not even needed, when all the problems may just be in my head and stuck in the way I think about the world and relationships. I dont want to be rude to people even though sometimes it may seem other way round. So I removed him from my life because I know very well that my "ranger" can raise its head when I still have him around.

God works in mysterious ways...

I have seen it happen more than once...I mean that more than once I have realized that in certain situations..that His hand was in it...guiding it all. And I am so thankful because He has kept me from making serious mistakes that would have made my life way more complicated and I am grateful for having such a support.
I read a blog today that is written by one of my dear old friend. It brought back lots of memories from years back and it made me cry, because he wrote all about how he has thought of me and how I might be doing and wether I needed him to be around or not. And the truth is that I do. I do need him to be around. I havent seen him often these past few years, but he seems to "appear" by my side whenever I need him the most. I talk here about needing him as my strong shoulder but I have no idea wether he somehow needs me aswell...
The weather outside is gloomy and dark. This darkness gets me down. My birthday draws near...nothing happy about that. I will be 26 this year. Getting old. No party (unless someone throws me a party) because I just have something small for my family. Most of my friends are all over Estonia and Europe.... Call me lazy, call me whatever.
So, Dear Void. What should I wish for my birthday?

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when not feeling it. I believe in God even when He is silent.

Sun is there....I remember a song that had the line saying that above the clouds, theres always sunshine. And that can be said about life aswell. Everybody say that you have to survive through the tough times to see the sunshine again. Doesnt it sound familiar? It does. And I try my best to believe it.
But at times its very hard to believe in love when you dont feel it. Its not much help when you hear the words, stating that love...you need to feel it...not just hear. And I hear it more than I have actually seen it proven lately. And that is sad...because more than anything I need to see proof of its existance...because I have reached the state in my life where I need to be able to "touch" things to make sure they are real..
And God can never really be silent. We just need to open our ears and learn to listen, not just talk all the time. Humans are difficult creatures. They only want to receive, not give and they talk more than they listen. And the ability of listening, that is not something that comes naturally, you need to learn how to listen. And its harder than it looks at first...
Sometimes I feel that Im all alone, left without anything to hold on to. And this is not true. God is always there for me and I have got so much support and strenght from Him than you can ever imagine. I just sometimes wonder what are the right things to pray for. But during this last year of difficult time, I think I have it figured out..
Its all about this saying: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they dont, they never were.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

Thats not true. Words are more likely to hurt you that sticks and stones. Its weird, how you can recall many things that people have said to you in the past very accurately..sometimes the weirdest lines or dialogues echo in your head.
I seem to do this blogging in "waves". I do it for a while and then put it aside for months until I feel like writing again. Its not because nothing happens in my life but I just dont feel like writing sometimes and moulding my thoughts into words. Because sometimes its easier to just think. Havent you felt sometimes that when you say your thoughts out loud, they became more real?
Last time I wrote here I said that I finally have that moment what they mean in saying: What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. Yes, it does. But it also drains all energy out of your body and soul. And then you have to find a way to "recharge" yourself. Truth to be told, I havent found that way yet.
My summer vacation time is almost over. 1,5 weeks to go and then its back to work. I dont want to. Its not that I dont love what I do, but I just dont want to. I much rather just lay at home and be a vegetable. But thats not one of the options. I have to start planning my work-things soon. But I do it when my vacation-time is over. I dont think I have much to do at work until september.
My marriage is in standstill. We do get along just fine. Still apart in many ways..hoping to get some professional help soon and then we see if things can really be fixed between us. One thing that really scares me is that I have lost almost all hope in this. Im so tired of pushing it all alone that I may not be able to keep it together for much longer. I yearn for things He cannot give me. And it leaves me all emtpy and aching inside. But Im still holding on.

Waiting for something to happen...

Yes, dear Void...I am waiting for something to happen. Something good. I feel peace inside of me and I believe it all to be thanks to one special person, who has pushed me for quite some time already to finally feel good about myself and my life. Thank you.
Spring is here, its really warm outside...it has been like this for some days already. And I am finally done with the Mothersday parties at work. They all went fine, though I was nervous, especially with 2 year olds..:)) but they did great:)
Am I finally understanding this, what they say that what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger..?