Is it real or is it all happening inside my head?

I honestly don't know.
I don't know what to make of myself and things around me.
I don't know what I am doing here. I don't know what am I supposed to be doing.
Dear Void, have you ever caught yourself doing things that you actually don't want to be doing, things that make you hurt inside, but you still do them to...sort of keep up appearances?
Last months I have sensed my life starting to slip away from what I always wanted it to be. And I don't know how to fix it. Even now writing about it makes me choke a little, to have a catch in my throat.
I feel powerless. I feel that things around me are spiralling out of control and there's nothing I can do to stop.
Have you ever found that the person who you have relied on for so long and who's supposed to be your strong shoulder, all of a sudden start working against you? Making me feel misunderstood and not accepted, thought of being deceptive....

And why, my Dear Void, do I ALWAYS want to fix things?? I always want to at least try to make things better...and not just for me, for everybody involved..

Maybe this time, for the sake of my own sanity, I should just let things unfold...

Fight Song

Dear Void, I heard a song today over a very long time. It was my fight song, the song that got me through so many things, tough times, when I first came to London and left all my life behind.
I heard this song and it really resonated within me, moved me, gave me comfort. I think it's time to bring my fight song out again because I feel the need for courage and comfort, something to get me through the tough times and I can already see some stormy weather ahead.
Do you remember, my Dear Void, when I was pondering here over one particular figure of speech - it's better to be alone than lonely. Now I have learned once again the true meaning of this. Technically I am not alone but inside I feel more lonely than ever. Imagine the scene of a dinner where most of the conversation dies down after talking about "how was your work today" and afterwards the other half dives into his phone and pretends to watch news on tv as well as on his phone.
Imagine the scene when you feel you need to walk on eggshells and keep things to yourself out of the fear of being shouted at completely out of the blue, because of smallest of things that shouldn't really matter or be a big deal to get upset over.
I have been feeling strange recently, unsettled and uneasy. And yesterday I was finally able to put my finger on it. I'm hungry. Not physically, but my heart and soul is hungry, absolutely famished and starving. I have been worried so much about the exterior and what goes on outside that I have completely neglected what goes on under the surface, in my heart and in my soul.
I have to take better care of myself. Take care of my heart because I only have one. I have to "feed" myself, believe in myself, raise myself up and say to myself that God willing, I will be strong again. I will be bulletproof, titanium.

Acceptance

My Dear Void, its evening and I'm sitting here with you and my green tea brewing.
I sit here in silence and feeling this peace flowing over me. I have realised that there are things in this world I simply cannot change and I am dealing with just such things. This is up to God and the Universe. They will see me through and I will follow.
And the moment this sank in, I felt like a burden was crumbling off my shoulders that had been getting heavier and heavier by day.
Just take a deep breath and smile. Someone you can always be sure of is yourself and knowing who you are inside.

Time for reflection

My Dear Void.
I made a decision today, not really today, I have been thinking about it for quite some time. Tomorrow a Holy month of Ramadan starts and millions of people over the world observe it and here as well. It is considered a time to get closer to God, endure what some of your less fortunate fellow men go through and its also a time of reflection.
I made the decision to do the same. I cannot fast due to my health but I can definitely make some modifications. I feel the need to look into myself. Dedicate time for myself and as I said, get closer to God. He cannot give me the answers I need on a silver platter but I will pray for the clarity to see and find the answers.

And what does the weather do when its time for millions to start going without eating and drinking throughout the day? It gets blistering hot. Right now, there's 29 degrees outside. I know, I know is not as hot as in some other places, but it doesn't happen often here that sun comes out scorching and wind takes a break. I went out with my shopping trolley to get few things from the nearby shop and I came back all thirsty and sweaty. I honestly don't know how these women in Arabic countries can go out dressed all in black from head to toe. I asked one of my colleague last year who is from Iraq that what do the ladies wear underneath those black cloaks and she just looked me and smiled, saying that they probably don't wear much at all. Unbelievable. I would be a walking heat-stroke waiting to happen.

Waiting for an adventure

Every now and then I get the urge of packing my bags and travelling. I haven't felt it for quite some time but now I start to feel this familiar "itch" inside that is slowly growing bigger and bigger while I grow more and more restless. I just want to go and explore and I don't even know where exactly I would like to go.

Travelling nowadays has its limitations. Sometimes severe limitations due to my medical issues. The worst is when I start to feel uneasy taking a bus home and it is only few stops so I prefer to walk especially since the weather is fine nowadays.

I don't want to start sounding like some sort of a blogger-weatherman so I better stop before I descend into a deeper conversation about weather in England, that conversation (in this case a monologue) can go on forever.

I want to go someplace I have never been before. I thought about travelling last year before my health took the turn for the worst, we planned to go to Fez in Morocco, but the timing wasn't great due to his work and building the new shop that was opened in the end of the year. And going to a desert might not be the best idea, since I cannot even sleep properly when the room is too hot. I guess smaller trips somewhere closer would suit me better due to my health issues.

Actually one thing that got me thinking about small trips was an add. I get all kinds of offers to my e-mail. One of them was a day-trip on a bus to Belgium. Start really early from here, through the tunnel to France and then to Brugges, which is said to be lovely. And then back to London, arriving little before midnight. But then again me and bus....there you go Void, not an easy thing to plan and organise.

I am expected to travel in the first half of July. One of my very good friends is getting married to her long time partner and I'm expected to attend the girls night, church and the reception. To be completely honest, my Dear Void, I'm torn. Part of me really wants to go and see all my friends and also my family and summers are normally really lovely and warm in Estonia....but....leaving aside the medical half of things, not knowing how I would react to air travel and all this, I have truly mixed feelings. 

Don't get me wrong, I love weddings but they were much more fun when I was in my 20s. Now when you are over 30 you try to predict and dodge the possible bullet - subtle questions about your life and when you will tie the knot. I really don't want these questions.

Stuck in the middle with you.

My Dear Void, I am. I feel stuck in the middle.
Do you know the feeling when you are completely thrown off your game and don't know how to take it. And the person doing the throwing seems to think, 10 minutes later, than its all good. Equilibrium restored and that's that.
I, personally, don't know how to react to that. I'm completely dumbfounded. Even days later I don't know whether I should bring it up if asked if I am ok. It's one of those moments as if you are looking at yourself from afar and you see yourself nodding and your lips moving, saying that you are fine because you don't know any other way to be without starting an argument or a fight.
Inside I know, and seeing myself from afar I know that I am not fine. How do I let it be known that I'm not fine.
It might be easy to say that just say it out. I AM NOT FINE.
Its not easy. Especially when I have no idea how to go back to being fine again. I can't go forward how I want and I can't go backwards without being afraid of the high price I might have to pay.

Looking back on my life.

Hello my Dear Void.
I sent a blessing to one of my old friends the other day not really expecting anything but low and behold, he answered. We had a nice conversation via whatsapp and he asked me one thing that I have been asking myself a lot lately. Have you written anything new in your blog? I answered him that I haven't but this really got me thinking about the reasons why I haven't been writing. Because God knows I need to, for the lack of the better word, vent.
I feel there are so much emotional buildup inside me and I catch myself feeling so angry at times at the smallest of things. Even the little things seem to annoy me to the max.
So today I opened my blog and noticed that my last post is from the year 2015. I had no idea that it has been so long. I took my time, opened my posts from the very beginning and read it all out loud to myself. Several tissues and an hour later I reached my most recent post. A post of apologies and and outlook to a brighter and more sorted-out future.
And here I sit, 2 years later, with very different circumstances and very different life. It sort of feels that my life, just as this blog from the very beginning, has been coming to a full circle. Nearly 10 years later I'm back where I started.
And I know, my Dear Void, I always state that it's been a while since I wrote here but it really has been this time. 2 years too long.