Operation Motivation

 My Dear Void, 

I am struggling these days to find motivation to do anything. And I mean anything. Even the little things need such a push, to get myself up and going. Someone is holding down the brake inside my head. Not me.

I have thought about one rule I definitely can implement. IF it takes less than 5 minutes to do, get up and do it now.

I have been reading poetry. I have 3 poetry books called something like poetry of underground. These are very sad poems. I read and I cry. I feel these feelings resonating inside and strangely, I feel more alive.

Reading poetry reminded me of one class I had in university. It had nothing to do with poetry itself but it was a class of pedagogical communication. We all took turns to read one poem to find ways to give it more meaning. I would like to write it here. Its a poem written by Estonian poet Doris Kareva and its called Lõpp (the end)

Doris Kareva - Lõpp

Ma ootasin sind sellel külmal päeval. Ma tean, et sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: ma ootasin sind. Sellel külmal päeval. Ei, vabandama tõesti sa ei pea. Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid. Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii. Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid ma teadsin, sa ei tule nagunii. Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud, kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid. Ei, ära ütle, et sa oleks tulnud. Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid.

I want to feel the spring.

 Good afternoon my Dear Void.

I don't really know where to start. I haven't been here for such a long time and I feel like the whole world has passed since I made my last visit. It feels more than those 2 years, lifetime.

In a nutshell, what has happened...

After leaving my year 4 Jays, I changed my workplace to a lovely school.

I was a teacher for a whole year for year 1 students. It was a lovely time, when I look back. Its strange how people tend to forget the bad situations and the negative thoughts somehow fade away. My practical work was amazing, I learned so much and I gave so much. The love I gave to those children and the adoration and joy I got back make my eyes well up with tears. I miss it. I even see children in my dreams, children that I don't know, dreams of teaching again. I can't foresee the future to see if I would ever be doing it again.

During this year of teaching my lovelies, world-wide pandemic hit. Corona virus put us all in lock-down. We stayed in our homes and only dreamed of outside. I carried on working throughout the times, also working from home and teaching children from my sofa. We made it through the year. The paperwork almost killed me, indirectly it did. In 2021 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I also got the virus - twice - luckily it was mild and I recovered, once at home and once in Poland, in a nursing home.

Then my epilepsy dragged me down and made me unable to work and live my normal life. Don't really want to dwell on it for the sake of my poor mental health. It made me stay home, not being able to do anything that I love. I struggle every day. Luckily my diabetes is well-behaved and I have managed to lose weight and get it into remission with the help of one great support program.

Completely different jump here, unbelievably there is war in Europe. Russia has invaded Ukraine. Don't really want to talk about that either. Makes me anxious, so very anxious.

Now about today.

The springtime is here. Truly here. The trees are covered in these delicate and fluffy blossoms. I just want to dive in, marvel the beauty of nature.

I used to feel. 

Feel so much, the beauty of the creation. 

I somehow feel less. As if there is a wall in front of me that I cannot see. 

I feel the whole world is muted.

I'm dying to feel again!

How can I get this invisible blanket off that covers me from head to toe?

One of my dear friends said that he would like to go back in time, have the times where life seemed simpler. World was smaller, but it didn't bother me. I was content with how things were.

Times where we had time to talk about the world and what we think. Just sit in candle light, with a cup of tea and roll out our own philosophy. Who can forget the fish finger sandwiches.

I miss having conversations where no one gets angry and defensive. With someone who can put themselves into different positions and see the world and situations from another angle. Just discuss, discuss anything. 

Without prejudice, without aggression, without upset.

I sit here watching the golden afternoon sun stream through the blinds. Hot herbal tea steaming in my cup. Herbs from Estonia, foraged by my mum. This feels like a link to my home. More and more is Estonia becoming my home again in my head. 

I want to be like my mum.

Tingling toes.

I came here today and to my surprise I discovered a draft that I wrote more than 2 years ago. I'm literally speechless. Where have all those years gone?

But to be fair, I will publish it now.

It was written on 15th December 2019. 

Good evening my Dearest Void,

It feels like coming back to an old and dear friend, sitting down, looking into their eyes, smiling and knowing deep inside me that nothing between the two of us has changed. Its the feeling of being assured of existence, that if everything in this world all of a sudden descend into an utter chaos, this will be one constant thing that would remain the same. It feel good, so damn good.

I have the toe-tingles. And I will tell you why. Its the feeling of excitement. I'm travelling in couple of days to see my family and my loved ones for Christmas in Estonia and I literally cant wait!!

So much has happened since I wrote. I know, I know, I say it every single time because its true. I cant pin point a reason why I don't come and write more often but when I do I have so much on my mind that my fingers cannot move fast enough. My mind speeds ahead and my fingers try so hard to catch up....

The past year I have been working as a teacher in one school. And the last 4 months I have been with one class. My Jays. We have had really fun times, we have had tough times. There are times (yes, Void, more than one) that I have cried. Not just few tears rolling over the cheeks but true sobbing. At work. Because of work. It has been a roller coaster, an adventure, not knowing where we started and where is the destination but now...

Tuesday, day after tomorrow, is my last day with them. It makes me sad. I stood in front of the class on Thursday and I told them and I felt all these emotions welling up inside of me that the other teacher had to take over for a little bit. It will be heartbreaking to go but that's life. In January, I will begin a new journey in a new school.

I don't want to think about it now, its a feeling as if I was leaving part of my little family behind. Those kids drive me absolutely nuts but they bring such smiles to my face as well. Love them.
I hope these days will be busy.

Last Day for My Age

Don't worry my Dear Void, its not going to be anything too deep or abstract. Its about my last day to be as old as I am because tadaa! tomorrow is my birthday. And no worries, it's not going to be a post about existential/mid-life crisis either.

I remember the times I have written here and there were several times I have done so around or on my birthday. And I feel that the setting I was in has changed, I live in a different country now than I did then but overall I feel the same. I am still the same me. Maybe more experienced and sadly more cynical, but still me.
I'm transcending into this deeper conversational level when I write here sometimes. It almost feels, strangely enough, like an outer body experience. I feel that I haven't had such a conversation in real life, face to face for far too long. As time goes by, people tend to get more superficial and shallow, maybe myself as well.

I miss it, Dear Void, I miss it so much. Being able to sit across the table from someone, with a hot tea/coffee in my hand and talk. Not about the weather or tv or for the sake of it, situation in politics, but about life, deeper meaning of things. Talk about out inner selves, about out feelings, emotions and aspirations without fear of being judged or taken the wrong way. I feel as if I need to do this again or soon I wont be able to, that I wouldn't know how to talk about these things anymore. It may sound ridiculous but I feel the physical  need for these emotional-philosophical-intuitive conversations. Its like part of me is fading away because I haven't found an outlet to it.

And, no offence, I don't think that talking to you Dear Void is the complete answer either. It helps, it definitely does, but it sometimes turns into this aimless rambling, which I really rather avoid.

On the happier notes, I will spend my birthday most of it at work (not really that happy tone) and the afternoon I will meet my friend with whom I will spend a lovely afternoon and catch up. I cant wait, I have so much to tell her.
Then a nice evening with my other half who will take me for dinner the day after !

To be honest, Dear Void, it did turn into an existential crisis sort of ramble at some point...but I brought it back!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Feeling the deep calm over me

Good evening, my Dear Void.

My working week is over and I'm heading straight towards weekend. This weekend will be busy for me, I'm going to my choir rehearsal and then the day is done. Nowadays there is so little daylight that day seems to be almost like cut in half and it only gets worse still. The winter equinox is more than a month away and so is the change towards days getting longer again.

This week has had its ups and downs, these last few days have really brought a smile on my face. Its been busy and full of things to do but I have powered through and now I have this sense of relief and peace coming from within me.

There is something about children that is so special. The little ways they appreciate you as a teacher. And I, I am a teacher that is new, the one they don't know but somehow so far I have always managed to bridge that gap and get them on my side.
There is something heartwarming when they tell you that you are really good teacher and they would like you to come back. I know it might be only words, so simple, but I would like to believe that they are sincere. It probably sounds cheesy, but it makes me feel that my efforts haven't been in vain, because, speaking for myself, I really try.

Before I left the school on Wednesday, I was handed couple of drawings and I was also a recipient of a big hug.

These past two days I have been in a wonderful all-girls school.
The people there are so nice, I am absolutely lack of words and the children, how inquisitive and clever girls go to that school. I have seen them before when I past their school on the bus, how they walk to school or from school in their most adorable uniforms. ( Seriously, these are the cutest uniforms I have ever seen, blazer and dress, not forgetting those little hats with bows on it). Think about Madeline, exactly like this, only different colour.
I had such a wonderful time with those girls, all the questions they asked about out topics and life in general, were really a good starter for a deep conversation. And when they ask you in the end of the day whether they see you next week, you really want to say yes, but I actually never know if I am sent back. I truly hope I will have that chance.

And in case you don't know who is this Madeline I speak of, here is a little video.

Im off to enjoy my Friday evening with a lovely mug of strawberry-mint tea.

Enjoy my Madeline, Dear Void, and sweet dreams!

Be gone, little voice!

Good morning my Dear Void.

Its Tuesday and I am at home. My agency didn't call me in today and its fine. I will make the most of the day, doing things around the home and soon heading out as well. My agency has the clause that I have to be ready to be called in until 11am.
Sorry, I think I have forgotten to mention that I work as a supply teacher through an agency. In a way it is better for me. I get to experience different stages in primary school, get loads of different experiences and then figure out where I want to anchor myself down.
Only there is a downside. I have to be on a "phone-watch" from 7am. That is the time when they start calling me and sending me to schools. Most of the time I don't know where I am going until they tell me after 7am and then I have to be prepared to step out the door immediately to make my way to the school and reach there by 8.30.  Some days they let me know a day before where I would be going but so far its mostly being morning calls.
I have been doing well with it. My Dear Void, you know that I have been a morning person all my life and I like to be prepared. So all I need to do in the morning is get dressed, put my lunchbox into my bag that I have prepared the night before, put on shoes and jacket and off I go.

I would eventually like to stay put somewhere. Some schools have expressed their interest in taking a teacher from the supply staff that they have had in their school but so far I haven't been chosen for a permanent role.

And I discovered one thing, my Dear Void, something I struggle with and something I have to tackle right away. Its my soft heart. I honestly didn't think that I would even encounter such a thing while being a supply teacher but I have.
It's rejection. Maybe it sounds silly or overreaction or me thinking too much. Maybe its me getting my hopes up high and imagining way ahead of myself but it's really tough sometimes.
When you have gone to a place knowing that they are looking for someone permanent and you are one of the possible candidates and finding out the next morning that you weren't called back. When you already got to know the ways they do things and you got to know the children.
I know, my sound head tells me that it's  not because they didn't like me, I just was't the one they were looking for. But there is something inside of me that whispers that I just wasn't good enough. After I figure myself out and shake it off, I understand that it is silly and I shouldn't have taken it into my heart but at that moment this little voice is piercing.

I have battled this little voice all my life and as I grow older, this voice grows smaller. I just wonder if it will ever be so tiny that it feels completely insignificant that I won't even notice it anymore.

Leap into the unknown.

My Dear Void.
It may seem that I have completely forgotten you but thats not true. I very often talk to you in my head and want to write down my thoughts but I simply doesnt find a moment to sit down, breathe and take my time to voice whats in my head.
Nowadays all that life seems to be is a circle that spinning faster and faster and I don't have a way to slow it down. I remember that years ago, life didn't seem to revolve only about work and home. I had time to do all the other things that I really enjoyed but now...its like I have become a hamster in a wheel that going round and round and there's no way out. I have to keep up with that wheel or I will be thrown off by the pure strength of the centripetal force.
One stage of my life is ending. I'm setting off sails into the unknown. I have stayed in my workplace for 2 and a half years and I'm taking on a new challenge as a teacher in school.
There times when I feel absolutely petrified about this. There are times when I'm excited, nervous, joyful, anxious, the whole kaleidoscope of emotions. I am overwhelmed. I know that this is something I have to do, to take that next step towards personal growth, to spread my wings but I am terrified. I had my induction yesterday with all the other teachers in that agency who have already taught in this position. It didn't make me feel any better about this whole situation. If anything, it made me feel even more overwhelmed. I felt like the odd one out because I have no experience what so ever teaching in schools here. I know deep in my heart that I will be fine. I will take my time to settle but ultimately I will be alright. It is like my mum said the other day that she knows that I will be fine no matter what because I am a fighter. I may not look like one, but I am.
I will say my goodbyes to my children in the nursery next week and I have a week to breathe before I head out to the choppy waters of schools. I guess that can be compared to a ship that's sailing out of the safe port, not knowing what lies ahead behind the horizon.

Wish me luck my Dear Void and wish me strength, both physical and emotional.
God willing, I will rise up and plough through whatever comes my way with my head held high and smile on my face.